BIL being absolute dick

[Pugwash1]

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

The only cnut around here is your BIL.

If one of my relatives spoke to me like that I would NEVER speak to them again.

I would have to assume that this was a reflection of his 'true' feeing's and would reduce contact accordingly. Suits him to use you when he wants and when he finds it useful but actually, he sounds like a nasty piece of work who views you with contempt.

You need to be very clear with your DH that this cannot be brushed off and that he needs to support you

Wow, what a vile, horrible man op. You sound so considerate and kind. What concerns me is that he is upping the ante. He has not stopped after the first incident and moved on to a second, longer instance of horrible verbal abuse. You simply cannot wait for the third strike because what will that be?

Speak to your dh. Tell him how horrible it has been for you. His loyalty must be to you in this because you are his wife and have done absolutely nothing wrong. Why does he think someone he loves should have to put up with this?

For goodness sake, get away from this abusive, vile, misogynist. No more family occasions with alcohol around that you attend. You need to protect yourself. Sadly limiting contact will be a real eye opener for you which could be painful because you will see very clearly where your dh's loyalties lie.

"DH initially brushed both episodes off as "you know what he's like when he's drunk" but then did speak with him about them when I explained the nastiness they had been said with."

If your DH is excusing his behaviour with "you know what he's like when he's drunk" then this isn't just twice in eighteen years.

He's done this before, to others if not to you.

And he hasn't apologised to you, just your DH. He cares how your DH feels but he isn't bothered about you.

Your DH is not awesome, he is allowing your brother to abuse and brushing it under the carpet.

You need to find your anger, you are far too passive, OP.

'Three strikes'?
I don't care how much you hear swearing in the military (I'm from a military family myself) it is different when it is directed at you. The first strike and I would have been incandescent, hurt and gone LC.

Second strike and I'd have gone NC.

You say he's '5 years younger' - does he still have. or do you foster, a 'younger child' attitude? IE he doesn't need to grow up?

How is he with his gf? It sounds like he actually doesn't like women - except for sex, obv, - and prefers the company of men.

I wonder whether he felt a bit like a teenager being asked by his mum to come back for his tea in front of his mates, or in your BIL's case, newly met friends he was probably trying to impress. Just a thought. He was very rude whatever

Yes that was my interpretation. I think he might have felt humiliated as if OP were his mother, and lashed out. Not that that is the remotest justification.

I have no explanation for the second attack. Military men can be quite fucked up particularly with women.

It may be that he’s turned on you as you’re one woman who’s given him love and support and you’re an easy target.

As he hasn't actually been apologetic to him, I'd be refusing to see him unless it was to give him an opportunity to apologise.

You are not your DH's property, so apologising to DH is no where near good enough, it's not DH he was rude to, but you. You have not been apologised too yet.

Tell your DH key back or change locks. He's not welcome inside your house until you've had a genuine sounding apology. (That is apologising for what he said and acknowledging he was wrong, not apologising for upsetting you - he needs to acknowledge the problem was what he said, not your emotional response to it).

I'd be clear, until a genuine apology and some sort of explaination for his behaviour is forthcoming, you don't want him to be part of your life or have access to your home.

Draw your line now. DH and BIL can socialise separately. You don't want to spend your time with someone who clearly hates you. If that's a problem, DH and BIL will have to think about how to fix this. Not your job to put up with shit in order to make BIL not have to face the concequences of his own actions.

Sorry, first line should read "As he hasnt actually been apologetic to you "

It sounds like he actually doesn't like women - except for sex, obv

I agree and I think this may be behind the so-called ‘ladies man”persona - a man who can’t really form lasting relationships.

He may well turn on his gfs like this too.

I'm so schocked by this. Both my DH and I would have had nothing to do with him right after the first comment. We swear a fair bit as to our friends but never at people.

I'm your position I would find it hard to get my head round my partner being able to get past his brother treating you that way.

If guess there is more to the brothers behaviour. Is it specifically this way with you or have you seem him be this way to other people?

How is he with his girlfriend? Do you think there may be substance misuse issues?

He is a wanker, there should be no more chances at all. And your DH needs to tell him he doesn't get to treat you this way. But I bet he won't. I bet he will side with his brother.

I'd be closing the door on this man..

OK, OP, if this thread has given you the unanimous re-assurance that YANBU , it does sound as if you have the courage and straightforwardness to be able to sit down with him (and your DH, I would suggest) and ask him directly but not confrontationally, what is going on. Tell him how it made you feel ask him why he did it. And even if he does have some reason as to why he found it annoying to appear to be called in for dinner on the boat, ask him why it was acceptable to reply in the way he did and use language?

Good luck!

You need to impress upon your DH though, that the purpose of this conversation is to get BILs terrible behaviour to STOP. Not just to 'understand' and then shrug it off as 'you know what he's like when he's drunk' next time he does it. Whatever BILs explanation, the result is it must stop - because there is no excuse for it whatsoever.

I think he has issues with women - apologising to your DH but not you as if DH is your owner or something and an affront to you is really an affront to your DH and the apology can be made to him. Deeply misogynistic. Core of steel Big Girl Pants, Mumsnet is behind you,.

This is really your DH's problem. You, rightly, require an apology and will not tolerate this behaviour in future. You will also stop doing nice things for this man, get your key back and keep your distance.

How your DH manages his future relationship with his brother, while completely supporting you, given the distance the bro has caused between you, is his problem to solve.

Good god, why on earth have you put up with this? I would have thought that with you being in the military, you'd have torn a strip off him. And your husband for not doing much about it either.

You definitely need that key back (preferably change the locks as well, as he may have made a copy). Also, the joint holidays need to stop too.

As this behaviour is fairly new, I'm wondering if he was not just drunk, but had also taken something like coke. Or, if he's in the gym a lot, steroids.

I wouldn't be waiting for a third strike.

I am humbled by the overwhelming support on here. Thank you everybody. I have changed into mahoosive big girl pants, inserted a backbone and have messaged BIL to call me when he is free. I have spoken to DH and told him that whilst I know he thinks he has dealt with it, I don't think he has and that given the closeness to his brother I told him I think he is more keen to brush this under the carpet and make it go away. DH asked if I want him to message BIL to apologise and I told him that if BIL needed to be told to apologise that in it's own right spoke volumes.
Couple of responses to some of the messages. I didn't go and call him for dinner although admit it came across like that written down. I took over fresh supplies of booze, told his new pals they were welcome to join us and that curry would be ready in 30. If he didn't want it then he could stick it in the microwave when he got back, so don't think this would have come across as telling him to come home as his tea was ready. Who knows though. He may well have interpreted it like that which may have got his back up but still no excuse.
Having had a chance to reflect, all of this seems to have started around the time DH and I told him we were quitting the rat race and would be leaving next summer and renting the house out. He may well be feeling angry and resentful about this, but as has been pointed out, this is not my problem.
DH is very successful at work and they both work in the same area. I have also done quite well through hard work. BIL not so, so perhaps this and DH and my relationship has caused him some jealousy. Again, not my problem.
And as many of you have suggested he does not have an awesome track record with women although I have no reason to believe apart from his behaviour with me he has been anything less than charming and kind to them.
I have wondered whether familiarity has bred contempt and have discussed this with DH who thinks this may be one of the reasons. Either way, enough is enough. I am unwilling to cut him out of my life completely at the moment as once I do this there will absolutely no going back on my behalf so need to be 100% sure that would be the desired outcome I want, and it isn't. I want him to apologise, mean it, never do it again and be prepared to lose his relationship with me if he does. I would never ask DH to choose, but it would send his relationship with his brother underground. There would be no more family meals, shared Christmas and holidays, visits to us...
When he calls I will tell him exactly what he has done, how he has made me feel and why this is unacceptable. I will tell him he has one more strike and then he is out of my life for good. I am desperately hoping the idiot will realise what a complete twat he has been so we can move forward. As my dad said, "you do for family", but only so much.

May I suggest you record the call? Hopefully you won't need it but just in case there would then be something to show your DH. No need to tell BIL and if all goes well you can just delete it.

How would I record the call? I have a Samsung and am spectacularly crap at anything computery or the like.

Good luck OP and well done for dealing with it head on. Hope it's a good outcome

A couple of people mentioned the possibility of drugs. I can guarantee even he isn't stupid enough to take drugs. He would literally lose EVERYTHING. Drugs just aren't really a part of our world which I know is quite unique in this day and age. We have random drug tests which if you fail you are kicked out that day, no exceptions or excuses and you lose all your pension and get a dishonorable discharge.

If you are both leaving the mob; you and dh have been promoted ahead of your bil; and you are renting out your house, so he has nowhere to go easily; and you are going to start new careers, travel etc, and he isn't a part of this; then he perhaps blames you for these changes.

He has everything arranged to his entire satisfaction at present, and soon he will have to cope on his own/

My sister used to confide in me about her husband and his abusive ways. How I hated him and could never understand why she didn’t stand up to him or tried to minimise it if I told her to LTB. Turns out that she is a compulsive liar who is intent on playing victim to anyone who will listen and most of what she said was distorted or outright lies.

Could your DH be confiding in BIL about your relationship which might distort BIL’s view of you?