BIL being absolute dick

[Pugwash1]

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

I wondered if he fancies you. Someone I used to see at work dos used to get shit faced and then be vile to my manager and she definitely fancied him.
It does not excuse the behaviour but it's not impossible.

I'm glad that you've decided to grab the bull by the horns OP, I hope he is man enough to contact you and appologise. However, he shouldn't need prompting really, his appology will just be a mask for whatever it is that's grieving him, I hope that he opens up and you can lay this to rest. He's very lucky to still have you in his life.🌸

Horrid to read. You sound like a lovely person OP and do NOT deserve to be spoken to like that! Horrible man. Not impressed by your DH wet lettuce response to it either.

I had an ex that used to have drunken rages. How odd that his rages were always at me when we were on our own and not at his friends/other men etc. I used to dread getting into the house after a night out when he'd been drinking. Note "ex".

Just had a bit of a matrimonial discussion with DH and made it clear in no uncertain terms that I expect his full and unequivocal support with this, and do not feel that he has provided it yet.
I do think if I hadn't posted on here then this would have just likely just have been put down drink, but actually I am pleased that I have been empowered to have a frank and open discussion with BIL about this. He is a grown man who must understand that actions have consequences. His behaviour has been totally unacceptable and he needs to be held accountable. I think DH gets that now so perhaps BIL will too. I like to think as a family we are a strong and tight unit but am starting to think my days as the pacifier are over. BIL has messaged back saying he is just going in to a meeting and will call when he gets out.
Honestly, when I get pissed I become fluent in about 30 languages, can out dance anyone on strictly and am the best singer in the world! I just have this horrible, sneaky feeling that how he truly feels about me is coming out when he is fuelled by alcohol. And that feels really crap.
DH was a little surprised I haven't let this drop but when I said if it was a stranger that had said these things to me how would he feel, it seemed to sink in. I think he is so scared that BIL and I will fall out (although think the penny has finally dropped that we already appear to have) he just wanted the problem to go away and did the ostrich thing of burying his head in the sand and hoping it went away. It's just like an abscess. I am going to squeeze all the crap out and hope it can heal. I don't bear grudges so fingers crossed this will be resolved and we will all learn from it. Bloody families!

OP Just wanted to say I admire your strength and resolve to get this sorted. I hope BIL takes it on board. Can you meet face to face with DH there too rather than over the phone though? It might go better than a phone call where you can't see expression or body language to know if his apology etc is sincere. That would just be me though, I can't always tell tone on the phone.

It could be that how he really feels is coming out, but it could be that he relates to you as a mother figure and you feel safe to lash out at - that his issues are about something else entirely, or it could be that he behaves like this with his gfs - you just haven’t witnessed it before.

He may just have a bit of a problem with women.

What are you talking about?

PTSD and misogyny mainly...

How dare he speak to op like that who has gone to such trouble for him and been nothing but kind? Who the hell does he think he is? I am surprised your dh is not furious mine would hit the roof if his brother spoke like that to me.

He may just have a bit of a problem with women.

Well, he doesn't seem able to sustain relationships with them, if he's "a bit of a ladies man". Either the girlfriends dump him when they see the side of him that he's shown OP, or he just sees women as objects of desire, and moves on to another one when he gets bored.

What a knob! You tell him how it is OP!

Yes but most men don’t talk to their mothers like this do they? My 3 grown up lads would quite frankly knock another bloke out who spoke to me like that drunk or sober. As would my dh and my girls.

You are a bloody saint op. These men are so lucky to have you in their lives how dare that little shit talk to you or any woman that way.

This sounds like quite a dysfunctional relationship. You have obviously done a lot for him over the years and see him as a little brother. He seems to be treating you like an overbearing mother. He might be cross he cant stay with you if you are renting the house out but I don't get why he should be taking this out on you rather than your DH unless he thinks you are the one who is putting pressure on your DH to move out.

I don't blame you for being furious and having a conversation with him sounds like a good idea so long as you make it clear you are not prepared to be his doormat when he wants to kick off either when fuelled by alcohol or trying to look the big man in front of his friends. No more favours, let him sort out his own beers and meals and friends for that matter. No way would my younger brother talk to me the way your BIL spoke to you. It is totally disrespectful and you definitely should be calling him out on it.

There is probably a reason for it but who bloody cares! How dare he speak to you in that manner when you've treated him like family all these years. I'm a veteran's wife and worked around soldiers for years and, yes, the language can desensitise you, but this is just not acceptable. I hate that word with a passion and it's one of the worse things that can be said to a woman. Get your home key back off him and steer clear. Don't wait to be hurt again. I'm surprised your hubby hasn't kicked him into touch, too.

@TatianaLarina

your post comes uncomfortably close to making excuses for the jumped up little twat. No decent son calls their mother a cunt so it's irrelevant if he sees OP as a mother figure.

Well, he doesn't seem able to sustain relationships with them, if he's "a bit of a ladies man". Either the girlfriends dump him when they see the side of him that he's shown OP, or he just sees women as objects of desire, and moves on to another one when he gets bored.

Exactly. This may be the root of ‘ladies man’ persona, he can’t maintain relationships and in turn that makes him more dependent emotionally on his brother.

Lacucuracha

Eh? If you read my earlier posts you would see that’s not the case at all.

The point of my post was addressing OP’s fear that it’s his true feelings about her coming out in drink. I said it could be that, or it could be, as OP says she and DH mollycoddle him, that he sees her as a safe target, or alternatively he’s like this with his gfs but OP hasn’t seen that side of him.

Not justifying it, there is no justification, just analysing the possible motivations.

Ah, ok, I missed your earlier posts, @Tatians.

So BIL called and I managed to say what the call was about but the line was terrible. He managed to say he had apologised for the first instance before the signal went. Had another chat with DH who is now most definitely on my side and as he is staying there tonight he has reassured me he will also be having an uncomfortable conversation with his brother about his behaviour. Will keep you updated but thanks to the responses on here I was able to better articulate to DH why I was so upset and why it is is so necessary to sort this out and not brush it under the carpet. Feeling a lot happier now. I told DH he won't have to choose. But it will be really bloody difficult for them to maintain a relationship if we are living on a boat and his brother won't be welcome. Hopefully will get to the bottom of this tonight so will update when (hopefully!) it is sorted.

He managed to say he had apologised for the first instance before the signal went.

Did he, to you? And if he did, why did he think it was ok to speak to you like that again? And he hasn't apologised for the second time.

There really isn't any excuse which could justify what he said to you- not once but twice, when he knew you were grieving, and when DH was conveniently out of earshot.

The apology wasn't owed to your husband , it was owed to you- and I'm not convinced it would mean anything anyway.

Apologise and then it's all better, and you can do it again. Apologise for that too, and all better, do it again. And so on ad infinitum.

Hope you get all this sorted op. And your Dh backs you up. He really needs to.

So... He rang back. I told him exactly what the problem was, how he made me feel and why it was unacceptable. I asked him why he did it and he said he didn't even realise that he had done.
As people have predicted he did apologise profusely. He said that DH and I are the last people in the world he would ever want to upset and he said that he thinks that he needs to control his drinking as this is obviously the cause of the problem. He said he has absolutely no problems with me at all, and said that anything he said could not excuse his behaviour towards me. He apologised repeatedly and did seem genuinely upset. He said that he was pleased I had told him what he had done as if he doesn't know then he can't do anything about it. I did remind him he had done this before and had been told about it and he did not really have a come back to that one.
I listened and then told him that if it EVER happened again there would be no more chances. I would cut him out of my life and his relationship with his brother would likely become restricted to phone calls only. I made damn sure that he fully understood this, and as I have done this in the past with a toxic friendship he knows that I can and will do it. DH has just messaged asking if we have spoken. Now DH will be having a chat without the coffee with him.
I know many will think I am a fool for giving him another chance but I am in the medical profession and have done many horrific op tours. Seeing the misery I have seen has moulded me and made me realise life is very short and very fragile, and sometimes some things are worth fighting just a bit harder for. But I am no fool and I will walk away without a backwards glance if he does anything remotely like this again. Thanks for all the support and advice.

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly - good on you! Hopefully this is a wake up call for BIL.

PTSD and misogyny mainly...

Right I’ll bite. PTSD isn’t being “fucked up”, it’s being severely mentally unwell as a result of trauma. So your flippant comment was fucking awful. My BIL has combat related PTSD and he’s not fucked up, he’s traumatised in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine.

Misogyny? Is that exclusive to military men? Because my ex forces DP (and BIL) are in no way misogynistic, yet civvie XH was appalling.

Stick your generalisations where the sun doesn’t shine, and while you’re at it, educate yourself because you’re out of order.