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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL being absolute dick

207 replies

Pugwash1 · 25/04/2018 07:50

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 25/04/2018 20:41

I think that was a good resolution, OP. I wouldn't have gone straight to NC either - good to have had a proper conversation about it first. You've been as clear as you can, and I'm glad your DH is fully supportive too.

KERALA1 · 25/04/2018 20:43

His misogyny shows when gets drunk and it's ugly.

KC225 · 25/04/2018 21:00

OP it is not for any of us think one way or the other. He has apologised and you have accepted it. Some people are nasty drunks. You've taken what you wanted from these posts and you have been able to make your DH see how hurt you been by BIL's behaviour. Credit to you for calling BIL and telling him what the consequences will be if it happens again. I hope he has learnt his lesson and I hope the three to you can move on from this.

Good luck.

Gemini69 · 25/04/2018 21:16

christ that's even worse.... he doesn't realise he's doing it... DODGY.. Hmm

TemptressofWaikiki · 25/04/2018 21:31

Glad you had this chat OP and I hope it will mean no further incidents. That said, I am still somewhat wary that he singled you out for such vile abuse. Stating the reason is down to him being so drunk, he’s unaware of having done it, would be more believable if he actual was as obnoxious and aggressive to everyone else. He clearly had no problem being civil to everyone else and instead pounced on you only. That is still a red flag and to me suggests some underlying deep resentment, which he might not have even admitted to himself. But I completely get about life being precious and with someone so close and long in your life, I understand your reasons for wanting to give him that last chance. I really hope that he truly addresses his drink and anger issues.

SomeKnobend · 25/04/2018 21:38

Well done OP, he can't say he wasn't fairly warned if/when he has to face the consequences of doing it again. You were kinder than he deserved, hope he considers himself bloody lucky.

LML83 · 25/04/2018 21:42

well done OP! perfect result. I think he is worth another chance.

Lacucuracha · 25/04/2018 21:43

He's pleased you told him Hmm

He knew he had done it, and is hiding behind drink.

OP, I hope you have the strength not to forgive him a third time.

Original poster
Pugwash1 · 25/04/2018 22:26

I also think that he is worth a final chance. It will be his last one though! DH has said he has been super sheepish tonight. I think he had realised how close he came to screwing everything up and as a family we are incredibly close so he could potentially destroy everything by his behaviour if he does it again. DH made it clear who's side he would be taking if this happens again which DH said shook him up a bit. Honestly. It's like being married to the mafia!

OP posts:
Motoko · 25/04/2018 22:48

Well done for getting your DH to see the seriousness of this, and to finally have your back.

TemptressofWaikiki has said what I was going to say. There is a reason his anger was focused on you, so be wary.

MrsCrabbyTree · 26/04/2018 01:31

Well done Pugwash.

Seems as though a good old fashioned kick up the pants will have the desired effect. I hope so for all of you.

nursy1 · 26/04/2018 02:31

It sounds like a good outcome. Whatever the reason this stuff spews out of him ( jealousy, secretly fancying You etc) the root cause seems to be alcohol. It really sounds like he has a problem. This situation is good in that it’s given him a kick up the arse and made him realise that he needs to get it under control.
He may need help with that op so perhaps don’t bring him more beers next time 💐

Sequencedress · 26/04/2018 05:52

‘DH made it clear who's side he would be taking if this happens again which DH said shook him up a bit.’
Ahhh, so he thought he could keep doing it as long as your H was on side. As he’s been so far with his, quite frankly, disgusting acceptance of his brother’s actions. I dread to think what DH would do if BIL spoke in that way towards me (I’m also medical and military, so bad language rolls off my back - it’s about the venom behind it)
Just remember you’re worth more than this OP, and I hope, should it happen again, your H has the courage of his convictions and doesn’t try to wheedle BIL’s way out if it. After all, you know what he’s like... Hmm
Take care of yourself Flowers

Ohmydayslove · 26/04/2018 06:48

I think you are fabulous op. I am not sure this won’t happen again but let’s hope this is a lesson to him.

Just one little niggle. Perhaps best you always see bil in company of your dh or others. I don’t think you should be alone with him. Not for a good long while anyway.

Best of luck op they are both very lucky to hsve you. Flowers

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/04/2018 07:58

Well handled OP, at least you know that he has heard you, and your conversation didn't fall on deaf ears. However, I wouldn't let my guard down just yet, stay aware.
Great to hear that you have the support of a good man, your husband.

louise5754 · 26/04/2018 10:09

@Smeddum my DH was been in
The marines 19 years and the comment made by (can't remember the name) pissed me off!!

scaryteacher · 26/04/2018 10:19

OP I know that the RN used to run a drying out course for those that had a problem with alcohol, as my Dad was sent on it. Could you arrange a referral for bil if he has a problem, and which ever service you are all in does one?

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 10:22

@louise5754 I was really angry when I read it. Just blatant stereotyping and bullshit. And describing someone with combat related PTSD as “fucked up” was appalling. BIL and DP are Iraq (2003) veterans, DP did two tours, BIL was medically discharged after the first, and is still struggling to this day. To hear it dismissed so flippantly and offensively really pushed my buttons.

louise5754 · 26/04/2018 10:38

Mines done 7 doors including Iraq and Afghan and god knows where he will be next. I'm still living this life which is hard enough x

SickofThomasTheTank · 26/04/2018 10:54

I would be divorcing my husband if his brother treated me like this and DH just 'had a word' then left it! Wtf?!

SickofThomasTheTank · 26/04/2018 11:04

It's true, I can attest to that! Military men are mainly Misogynists with the exceptions

HumanBeans · 26/04/2018 11:06

Smeddum

👏👏👏👏👏Well said, it was ignorant and crass. As well as offensive.

louise5754 · 26/04/2018 11:49

@SickofThomasTheTank maybe the ones you've come access

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 11:50

@louise5754 I take my hat off to you as a Forces wife, DP had left the army by the time I met him (and BIL) and hearing their stories is hard enough. Living it must be really tough at times and I have the utmost respect for forces spouses and their families!

Smeddum · 26/04/2018 11:51

@HumanBeans thank you. It needed saying.

@SickofThomasTheTank bullshit. No one group is a hive mind. You’re making generalisations.