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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL being absolute dick

207 replies

Pugwash1 · 25/04/2018 07:50

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 25/04/2018 12:42

YY to the random drug tests. Dh had an office where it was really hot, so always drank loads of water. The random drugs test occurred and he was called back to redo it as his pee was too dilute. He explained to the people doing the tests; redid them and they were OK. He was bricking it though, even though all his meds were prescribed by the RN - second job as a Cdr, not a pension you would want to lose.

TheRagingGirl · 25/04/2018 12:43

No, YANBU. Or too sensitive. Your BiL sounds awful.

Hope your conversation with your BiL goes well, but be prepared for him to insult you and deny his behaviour and blame you. He sounds quite nasty, TBH.

Good luck - you sound lovely

FrancisCrawford · 25/04/2018 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2018 12:56

My husband is ex military, in no world or circumstances would he call his sister in law a stupid cunt. Booze is no excuse.

You're a bigger person than me. There would have been world war three if he'd said it to me and very little room to come back from it.

Tell him on your call if it ever happens again the relationship is over. And mean it.

Ohmydayslove · 25/04/2018 12:57

I honestly have never heard such a nice sounding measured caring poster op. You are amazingly kind and tolerant to this little bastard and my God he needs to eat humble pie to deserve your future company.

Stick to your guns and don’t let these men minimise behaviours that are inexcusable.

TemptressofWaikiki · 25/04/2018 12:59

So glad to read your update that you’re actually challenging your BIL’s terrible behaviour. My guess is that there has been a lot of contempt shown albeit at a low level over quite some time but you perhaps have been oblivious to it because it perhaps has set in so gradual over such a long period of time. The actual timing of his vicious verbal attack, so soon after your father’s dad is spectacularly unkind! I would have personally not forgiven that especially since your BIL did not make any proper amends to you. I am glad your DH is now on board because his minimising to me would be a massive betrayal and I’d see it as extremely disloyal. Given the added information, your future plans of moving and perhaps not involving him to the same extent in your daily life thereafter, shows a certain level of infantilising going on with him. It reads like he took you very much for granted and is sulking like a brattish teenager. But while you were kind to him for so long, he isn’t part of your marriage. Time to really put yourself and your actual relationship first and your DH has to step up to the plate. I don’t advocate for people to be forced to choose between loved ones but your BIL’s behaviour may require for your DH to do just that. I hope that BIL puts on his big boy pants and behaves like a decent adult human being.

SofieMonde · 25/04/2018 12:59

Did anything happen to make him suddenly unleash such vitriol on you An argument? IF he didn't like you as a partner for his DB he would have been like this from the start. Sounds a bit odd that he is suddenly like this to you

MipMipMip · 25/04/2018 13:03

I think you'll need to download a call recorder. I have a Samsung too and can't see a built in one, which is unusual.

SofieMonde · 25/04/2018 13:03

or maybe he is in love with you?

SomeKnobend · 25/04/2018 13:03

I wouldn't give him a third chance. His outbursts are not accidents or mistakes, they're hatred and contempt that he has allowed to bubble over. I'd cut the fucker off right now.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/04/2018 13:05

Just to pick up on one point:

'Familiarity has bred contempt' - err, no. He's been familiar with his brother for far longer - does he treat him like shit? Does he think he would like to call him a cunt or a prick for no reason when he's simply interacting with him, and does he think his brother would ignore or laugh it off if he did? I suspect the answers are no.

'Familiarity breeding contempt' may describe an aspect of the situation, but if so, then what that actually means is that your BIL feels you are worth little enough, in terms of value to the family and to his brother - remember that bit - to make treating you like shit on his shoe acceptable. More than that, he dislikes or despises you enough to do so - which makes him either really absolutely not a friend to you, or a bog-standard nasty misogynist prick. All familiarity breeding contempt actually means is that if he didn't know you very well, he wouldn't dare say what he has because he wouldn't know how you'd react and crucially - wouldn't know whether his brother would allow him to get away with it. But he does. And your DH has.

That speaks volumes.

I would find it impossible to sort this, really. It's not about 'mistakes' or 'bad behaviour' - it's a. shown you how he really feels about you as a person and b. that your 'amazing' DH will stand by and let you be utterly denigrated. Apologies won't remove that knowledge, or make it so that BIL doesn't feel like that about you and despise you. It'll just mean he knows he can't say so and get away with it.

Get an apology. Get your key back, and tell him that you don't feel comfortable with him having it 'now that I know how you really feel about me as a person'. In vino veritas. Your BIL fucking hates you, and there may be reasons for that - so unless he breaks down in front of you and it all comes spilling out and the reasons are good ones - I think you need to realise that you don't have a good relationship with this rather unpleasant man and you never truly will. That's fine. Your real issue here is making it clear to your DH that if he respects you, his marraige, and himself little enough to turn a blind eye when his brother treats his wife like shit, then things will not be good.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/04/2018 13:07

Could be age. The BIL may be realising that he's getting on a bit now and isn't close to finding the love of his life and settling down (how are things with his gf do you think?). That combined with envy of his DB's relationship with you and, a sense of you as 'surrogate mum' so fair target, combines and all his frustrations with women are coming out and being directed at you OP.

But, fun as armchair psychology might be, the 'why' is not your problem. You're not actually his mum. You're an adult, his DB's wife, who needs to be treated with respect.

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2018 13:09

Glad to read your update. I am another one who would be unimpressed with my dh- did it seriously not occur to him before that bil should apologise to you? He didn’t call dh a cunt! From here on id expect unequivocal support or words would be had.
Your plan for bil conversation sounds great, I agree with a Pp that you should record it.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/04/2018 13:09

And if you've talked to your DH about it, you could ask him straight up:

'How do you feel about standing by and saying nothing when your brother calls your wife a cunt? That doesn't just insult me, it says that he knows he can do and say anything to you and your family and you'll excuse him. I won't - I've got more self-respect - how about you, and your respect for yourself and your family as in ME? Can you put two and two together there and work out why your wife might legitimately say she doesn't want her own family around that kind of nastiness? How would you feel if I said that I didn't want my future children around someone who calls their mother a cunt? Who would you stick by there - your wife, or the cunt-caller?'

Emmasmum2013 · 25/04/2018 13:11

I don't get it... why did BIL kick off like that?
Was there anything in the run up to it? You say you treat him like family and are really accommodating towards him, but the feeling is obviously not mutual.

Has there ever been anything mentioned, or does your DH know why he might have acted like that?

I feel like this whole thing is really a one sided story and there's something I'm missing.

distanttrees · 25/04/2018 13:12

OP - download an Android app called Call Recorder and set it to record all incoming as well as outgoing calls. You can set it save any you want to keep more than a month. Good luck.

SofieMonde · 25/04/2018 13:13

Set him up with a friend? He may find a good relationship of his own

Ohmydayslove · 25/04/2018 13:18

Jesus I wouldn’t set this vile drunk up with any friend of mine! Good grief

KC225 · 25/04/2018 13:19

Glad to reead that your DH is now taking this seriously. Good luck OP and keep us posted

elisenbrunnen · 25/04/2018 13:21

Sofie - set him up? A woman-hater like that? I wouldn't thank you! Anyway, he has a gf, and 'likes the ladies' [boak]

And a few posters have suggested that he 'likes you', OP, or 'fancies you' - can we really not get past the idea that a man has to abuse and belittle a woman to show he likes her? Swearing and disdain is NOT LOVE! It is NOT RESPECT! We should NEVER suggest that a man fancies us by throwing abuse at us.

FFS.

Any man that swore at me like that would be out of my life. Full Stop.

llangennith · 25/04/2018 13:24

Sounds like he’s bitter and jealous of your relationship with his brother and it all comes out when he’s drunk.
Limit contact with him if you can.
I don’t use the C word but in this instance I really think he is one.

KeiTeNgeNge · 25/04/2018 13:35

Hope the call goes well

BrendasUmbrella · 25/04/2018 13:58

I have wondered whether familiarity has bred contempt and have discussed this with DH who thinks this may be one of the reasons.

Does he tell his brother "Fuck off you stupid cunt" as well then?

I think it's time to forget the "Buy one brother get one free" nonsense. In my book if he can't treat you with civility, he doesn't get to be part of your family. And it's time to change your locks so someone you say treats you with "pure hatred" doesn't have access to your home.

BrendasUmbrella · 25/04/2018 14:00

And even if did fancy/like her, verbal abuse would be nothing to celebrate, just a honking great red flag if anything. There are some weird attitudes on this board...

louise5754 · 25/04/2018 14:26

@TatianaLarina "Military men can be quite fucked up particularly with women".

What are you talking about?

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