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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL being absolute dick

207 replies

Pugwash1 · 25/04/2018 07:50

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

OP posts:
pudcat · 25/04/2018 09:10

I don't have any suggestions for you but I have had to go non contact with my sister in person because her husband called me a f....ing shit stirrer among other obnoxiuos things the last time I was there. Because I stood up for her when he was putting her down. I was so upset especially when she had told me that it was my fault and I should keep quiet. Also because I did not help them move. Was unable to at the time which they knew. In your place I would not give him another chance.

scaryteacher · 25/04/2018 09:11

If you are all in the military, who is the most senior? Are you and your dh doing better than him career wise?

WizardOfToss · 25/04/2018 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigmcpigface · 25/04/2018 09:13

Your DH needs to meet with BIL when both are sober. And there are no drinks around.

He needs to ask what the hell is going on and why your BIL is acting this way. And he needs to explain what BIL is risking by behaving in this way: that he has seriously jeopardised a really close family bond by speaking to you with such unwarranted disrespect, and that another instance will result in no contact with either of you.

There needs to be a clear boundary drawn, right now, with clear consequences for what happens if it is not respected.

I would be willing to put money on there being an underlying issue with women, i.e. misogyny.

midnightmisssuki · 25/04/2018 09:14

your husband needs to stand up for you more - it is unacceptable to have his brother speak to you like that - it shows a lack of respect. What happened in his past does not have anything to do with you - this does not give him automatic rights to be an arsehole towards you. He is probably jealous that his brother is happy and he - for whatever reason, cannot seem to find happiness - so he attacks the one thing that makes his brother happy in the hope he wont be alone in his unhappiness, becasue believe me, its gets lonely to be in an unhappy place by yourself - misery loves company.

I would take his key off him and until he realises he cannot treat you with such disdain - i would keep my distance.

MissEliza · 25/04/2018 09:14

Why are you putting up with this and why do you seem to be looking to your dh to handle it? I wouldn't be in his company again without a full and sincere apology.

Failingat40 · 25/04/2018 09:15

Is there any chance that your dh has been venting any marital frustrations about you to his Brother?

Strange how it's started recently after him knowing you for 18 years.

Saltcrust · 25/04/2018 09:15

Btw op, an ex colleague of mine was in a situation similar to yours. She married one of two brothers who were incredibly close. They all lived together, he even went on their honeymoon! I'm afraid the marriage didn't survive the arrival of DC because of the conflicting loyalties involved (ie the DH still spent too long with his DB, rather than helping with the DC). Just mentioning this because it might be time to start putting a few more boundaries in place, taking back the door-key etc. Dbil might then start learning a bit more respect and appreciate how hugely accommodating you and your family have been to him. How would your DH feel about putting a few more boundaries in place?

JiminyBillyBob · 25/04/2018 09:19

This is a nasty bad man and he hates you.

Get your key back and go NC.

In addition if your DH had anything about him he’d go NC too. What a drip.

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/04/2018 09:22

Isn't he a bit old to be behaving like this? This sort of 'drink til I abuse people, and then pass out' stage has usually passed by the time someone is about twenty five.

Does he have ANY responsibilities in the world? Or is he drifting through, allowing himself to be 'cared for' by you, like a substitute mum? If you want to keep any kind of relationship with him, treat him like a stroppy toddler - take zero shit and unleash total hell if he so much as looks at you funny in future.

SeaEagleFeather · 25/04/2018 09:22

and BIL has said in the past I am the only woman in his life who has cared for him

.. and then he treats you like this.

Has he got Ishoos with women?

SeaEagleFeather · 25/04/2018 09:22

How does he treat his gfs? has he had a long term relationship?

Rudgie47 · 25/04/2018 09:24

I'd be going NC for the rest of your life, getting your key back and telling your DH that his brother is not to come in your house or anywhere near you ever again. If he was'nt up for this then it would be it with him as well.
The brother is either jealous to death of you or fancies you like hell and cant handle his feelings.If you continue to be involved with him he will do it again and he may end up attacking you physically.

Strigiformes · 25/04/2018 09:26

Hi op, I would definitely have a chat with your husband first. I agree with failingat40 that it could be that your dh is venting to his brother about you. Your husband needs to be sticking up for you and the fact that he isn't defending you is a red flag. I would definitely go low contact for a while and no more fancy presents. You sound absolutely lovely but I would stop being so nice to him as he clearly doesn't appreciate it Flowers

Takeoutyourhen · 25/04/2018 09:30

I wonder whether he felt a bit like a teenager being asked by his mum to come back for his tea in front of his mates, or in your BIL's case, newly met friends he was probably trying to impress. Just a thought. He was very rude whatever

saiya06 · 25/04/2018 09:30

People are really recommending that you cut contact after 17.5 years of a close relationship without even a conversation? MN is a trip.

OP: speak to your DH and BIL (like an actual relationship). Set boundaries. It may come to NC but I certainly wouldn't start with it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/04/2018 09:32

I would be cutting back on contact. Let DH ask BIL about his health.
After those two outbursts I'd tell DH you aren't comfortable any more with his brother having a key.

LannieDuck · 25/04/2018 09:39

Did he give DH any explanation for it, or just 'I was drunk'? I'm just wondering what the reason in his head is for saying those things.

I'd definitely avoid socialising with him anymore. No more inviting him on holidays, and ask for his key back.

Didiusfalco · 25/04/2018 09:40

I think your past experience is making you too accommodating, because you are aware it might make you overreact - but you are definitely not. If you want to continue contact you need a proper talk, as he is being abusive to you and I think however nice your dh is he is not taking this seriously enough.

LannieDuck · 25/04/2018 09:41

Also, interesting that he hasn't apologised. If it was 'just him being drunk', I would have expected an apology the next morning when he sobered up.

How did he behave when he saw you next? Was he sheepish and ashamed, or just brushing it off as if nothing had happened? I don't think I could have ignored the elephant in the room - I would have asked him straight out about it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/04/2018 09:43

I think he is harbouring some deep resentment of you, and his vicious anger will rear its ugly head again. There have been no consequences to his previous actions, just a word in his ear, not good enough !
@Pugwash, take back your key, no more mollycoddling him,and when it happens again, ( it will ), drag him over the coals, no matter the situation.
Personally, I wouldn't rest easy around him, he's a loose cannon, I would limit time spent with him, distance yourself.

flubdub · 25/04/2018 09:47

What did he say to you at the table, when your DH was at the bar? Did it give any clues as to what his problem with you is?

He sounds like an ass.

PirateWeasel · 25/04/2018 09:49

So he's been in your life for 18 years and this has only just started happening? Something must have changed with him recently. Do you have any idea what? Someone above mentioned something about him possibly having a condition affecting his attitude. Or is he taking out frustrations on you because he sees you as an easy target? Whatever the reason, that c*t comment was vicious beyond extreme, and NOTHING can justify that. That alone would be enough for me to cut him out for good. Get your key back, ignore him completely, and let your DH deal with any fall-out.

KC225 · 25/04/2018 09:49

Another one who would not give him a second chance. Its not 1 in 18 years though is it? Its twice in the last year, and the none acknowledgment of the thought you put into his gift really adds up to three.

He has behaved appallingly towards you, withdraw now. Get your key back. Refuse to go on holiday with him. I fail.to seen how this situation will get any better.

Have your conversation, but I don't think you will get your answers. I suspect he will blame the drink. When he verbally attacked you as your DH was at the bar, was it name calling or was he attacking your actions or behaviour?

Samcro · 25/04/2018 09:52

both he and your DH are behaving badly.
your DH needs to step up and defend you