Someone else disciplining my child?

[AskinginApril]

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

I have a 4 year old and they are perfectly capable of understanding that actions have consequences and if they were hitting and swearing I would have been furious with them, they would on no uncertain terms know that it was wrong.

I think people saying the punishment was confusing have a point. Your ds has the developmental age of a 4 yo. At 4, consequences need to be immediate.

I feel sorry for the family member who was hot and swore at!

They see you negotiating with early disco exit and no sweets!

Bet they were chuffed with you!

My kids were removed quite quickly and would apologize for much less behaviour - I wouldn't subject other people to their tantrums nor would they get to anywhere other than with me back home/appartment

They soon learn - behave or be removed

My much younger siblings do this with my kids. They're trying to be helpful but it's not! Never found a polite way to tell them not to.

Never found a polite way to tell them not to.

Why would you need a polite way to tell your siblings anything? Siblings get shouted at until they back off, that's the beauty of siblings, you can tell each other off and forget about it.

Perfectly reasonable, they don't want to deal with your child's behaviour and it's not exactly disciplining them.

As an 18 year old I wouldnt have wanted to take a 9 year old out who hit and swore at people. I imagine hes a decent size for 9 and shes probably a bit nervous.

I also don't see it as disciplining as he asked her for something. Which she didnt want to do as he had been naughty.

If I were you I would worry more about your son and less about your niece

Maybe your niece is actually trying to tell you that x, y and z aren't going to happen. You know he likes spending time with her, she's obviously finding his behaviour a challenge, and yet you don't seem to grasp that she's not up for spending her holiday looking after your son.

Yes I’d have been fine with it.

OP, I know what it can be like when family members try and support with my son with SEN. It can be frustrating, but it comes usually from a good place. I’m not sure I’d say the same for the judging on here as nobody really knows the challenges your son faces. Try not to stress too much about it. She’s right, she may struggle with his behaviour. I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone else to have to deal with my son when he was dysregulated or at risk of it.

Did you really need to ask?! Why the hell should the 18 year old be forced to spend time with your son if he’s behaving badly? How on earth can you think he would enjoy that? YABVU. He wasn’t ‘disciplining’ your son, merely exercising his right to spend time with whomever he likes - or not as the case may be!

Sorry OP but I think you are the problem here. The correct action here for your DS was immediate removal & straight to bed with NO disco at all not leaving early!

And if you allow your child to be looked after/babysat/palmed off on your 18 yr old niece at any point then she is more than entitled to say what behaviour she expects from him under those circumstances. End of.

If you don't like her "constant" say on the matter then you need to seriously address your ds's very "constant" bad behaviour in a much more no nonsense manner- developmental delay or not.

I think the 18yr old was entirely reasonable.
It's extremely unreasonable to expect them to take responsibility for a 9yr old that hits and swears, especially as they don't live with him normally.
I understand you saying that your 9yr old doesn't really understand the consequences of their behaviour in the same way you'd expect an average 9yr old to understand and so you want the 18yr old to take that into consideration. In my opinion, the developmental delay argument only gives more support to the 18yr old not wanting to manage potentially difficult behaviour all on her own.
I think if the 18yr old was living with your family all the time, the expectations would be different.

it's their call and they made it

YWBU your niece was not.
She was honest and said he was naughty so she wasn't taking him. She may have felt she couldn't manage his behaviour or she wanted to support you in enforcing he was naughty.
Children need to learn consequences regardless of delays.

what do you want her to do babysit for you when she clearly doesnt want to

i cant cope with sn sorry just dont feel like i could cope

Is "you're not coming here with me because you've been naughty" disciplining?

Yes, if your 9 yo was disappointed and felt he had been taught a lesson. Nobody wants to spend time with a brat.

Good for the 18 year old. It is probably a more memorable outcome of his bad behaviour for your child than your telling off/punishment.

When you do not behave well people don't want to do nice things with you and for you. good lesson.

Think through what your child have learned if the cousin HAD agreed to do whatever it was your child wanted to do!

Dandelion I completely agree with your post. I don’t understand why people don’t realise that nobody wants to be around a badly behaved child. I have friends whos children I won’t spend time alone with because they won’t do as they’re told. Aside from being an unpleasant experience, with kids it can be downright dangerous.

Mushlett you'd think it would be blinding obvious to all parents wouldn't you? But it so often isn't. Over the years we have quietly vetoed spending time around certain badly behaved children because they're a massive pain in the neck, whose parents are unable to get them to act in a socially acceptable way. I think the OP is far too lax with her DS because she just does with him whatever makes her life easier for the next half an hour.

Your son was given the truth why nephew did not want to go with him. He had witnessed his behaviour and decided No Thank You. A lot more folk should respond the same in these situations and you should not be so sensitive about someone saying No, and why to your son.

@Gabsalot
And if your child had sn what would you do then?

I’m so sick and tired of how disablist MNers are.
You all would be shocked at how the NAS recommends disciplining and handling meltdowns.
Also love the idea that parents of SN children aren’t allowed to ask for babysitters because that would be inflicting their child’s disabilities onto someone else.
Like anyone in history has ever chosen that their child is disabled.
Like they’ve chosen to watch their child struggle everyday.
Like they’ve chosen to watch their child not get to experience everything NT kids do.
Like they’ve chosen the isolation that comes to both the kids and parents.
& then to be told by people who are too f**king arrogant to even try to learn about what disabilities entail on how to parent your kid, because apparently disabled kids are just naughty NT kids according to MN.

I don't see what the problem is.

5 year old telling lies.....big whopper ones??!! Oh, you mean like Easter Bunny bring you Easter eggs......or Santa flying through the sky on his reindeer drawn sleigh and bringing presents down the chimney.......or the tooth fairy leaving money for teeth? Please, look at this realistically. “Lies” is a horrible, judgemental,shaming and cruel word. A 5 year old has a very tenuous grasp on the difference between reality and fantasy and in an intelligent world we would be encouraging their creativity and imagination and allow them to learn about truth and integrity in their own time.

I think you meant to post in a different thread?