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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone else disciplining my child?

248 replies

AskinginApril · 24/04/2018 22:46

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 25/04/2018 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonnyshide · 25/04/2018 12:23

Swearing and hitting! Perhaps the 18YO thinks you aren't tough enough on him for that behaviour, and I think she's right.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/04/2018 12:25

So - your ds was extremely badly behaved, which went essentially unpunished, and yo think he should still have had his treat of going out with his cousin so that he doesn't kick off?
Um.

FrancisCrawford · 25/04/2018 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2018 12:27

No but the OP is minimising it and expecting other people to pander to the behaviour. It's not ok. Shouldn't expect an 18 year old to take responsibility for a child that behaves like this.

soupforbrains · 25/04/2018 12:28

to those arguing the toss about developmental delay etc. It literally doesn't matter in the slightest. The behaviour of the child and or whether it is appropriate isn't what this thread was created for.

OP; you asked us all if we would be ok with someone behaving as your niece has. the overwhelming response is that a) yes we would and b) you are mistaken in viewing your niece's actions and words as 'disciplining' your child.

it is as simple as that. nothing about you DS's developmental delay, or behaviour is particularly relevant, neither is whether you wanted your niece to go with your DS or not, and nor is how you chose to discipline your son yourself.

Your niece did not discipline him, she simply responded to the previous events (his behaviour). regardless off his developmental delay she is entitled to not want to spend time with him if he's been playing up.

Additionally, regardless of whether he had misbehaved earlier or not, expecting your nice to go along with something DS wants, because YOU don't want to have to deal with a subsequent meltdown is not fair to your niece.

FrancisCrawford · 25/04/2018 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FilledSoda · 25/04/2018 12:37

The 18 year old is a wedding guest too, she doesn't have to take your kid so he doesn't kick off,he's your problem op.

JamPasty · 25/04/2018 12:38

Surely it would be more useful for your son to have immediate consequences for his actions. Leaving the disco early isn't a punishment at all as he's still getting to go to the disco. Going home the minute he's naughty is more helpful for him.

Fatted · 25/04/2018 12:43

I have a 17YO nephew who regularly spends time with my kids. I'd have absolutely no issues with him saying something like this, especially if my kid was biting people.

Our families are regularly looking after our kids and I actively encourage them to help out with telling my kids no etc. The only time I ever have an issue is when I say no to something and then my mum will give in to them.

MirriVan · 25/04/2018 12:44

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happymummy1991 · 25/04/2018 12:44

To me it sounds like your niece is fed up of being around your ds's bad behaviour and also of having to pander to his every whim to prevent him from kicking off.
You seem to think that she wanted to go to the disco with yours ds but said no because she thought it was a way to discipline him. She didn't want to go with him! It's that simple. And that's her choice.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/04/2018 12:45

I just read op has said her ds is developmentally delayed, that does change things. My ds 6 is developmentally delayed, it mainly affects his academic learning, concentration and attention (diagnosed by community Paed), he also has speech and language delay. But boy he is a bright and intelligent boy, and very switched on. I have a dd 11 who has ASD and learning difficulties, despite being told that he should not do this, as it upsets dd, he takes her bucket of water that she uses for sensory play, and tips it on the floor laughing, when she melts down, he has a right good laugh.

I have explained what that does to her, and how upset his behaviour makes her feel to no avail, so I had to withdraw the treat he is getting for good writing and reading practise at home, if this does not improve by next week. I don't agree that the behaviour is naughty and not the child, without ds instigating that behaviour, there would be no upset dd as her water has been tipped on the floor.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/04/2018 12:47

Although I don't see how she responded as disciplining him, it seems to me that it has highlighted your lack of meaningful discipline. Perhaps that was her intention.

Idontdowindows · 25/04/2018 12:50

Hang on, let me get this straight now.

Your son wanted to go with niece.
Your niece didn't want to.
Your son kicked off.
Your niece now really didn't want to because of his behaviour and told him so.

That is what anyone would do. Your son doesn't get to dictate your niece's movements.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/04/2018 12:50

Even with a delay, they can be disciplined, you have to try various approaches, and see what works for your child.

Didiusfalco · 25/04/2018 12:51

Your niece is an adult who has a choice about whether she babysits (which with a development delay she would be) or spends time with your son. Why are you finding it so hard to get your head round the fact she is just exercising her choice?

llangennith · 25/04/2018 13:19

She’s 18 and clearly no experience with kids.
Nothing to do with her if he’s behaved badly; as you say, you had dealt with it.
If you get the chance, tell her you don’t believe in carrying punishments forward, if DS misbehaves he gets reprimanded and then everybody moves on so would she please not bring up past misdemeanours.
Your son, your rules.

Sunshinedaze · 25/04/2018 13:22

Clearly the 18yr finds your child’s bad behaviour irritating and doesn’t want to deal with it. I don’t see why it’s such a big issue. A lot of people don’t want to be around difficult kids.

KreigersClones · 25/04/2018 13:30

If you don’t want her to be involved ‘all the time’, stop getting her involved.
Stop expecting her to take him places, and pandering to him so he doesn’t ‘kick off’.
Developmental delays - drip drip.
Still unreasonable

Willow2017 · 25/04/2018 13:37

Maybe she just wanted to relax with other adults this time?

Your ds is your responsibility not hers. If she has spent time with him before thats great but she doesnt need to do it every time he asks. She will probably be happy to do it again if you dont try to make her feel guilty.

I would have a chat with her on her own sometime about your sons issues and how you manage them. That one punishment is enough and you dont keep going on about one thing.

But stress that she is entitled to say "No i cant take you this time." Or bring him back if he misbehaves when out with her and tell him why she is doing it whenever she wants to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2018 13:38

I am trying to see it from your POV. You’re away from home without the normal comfort and things around to occupy your ds. You want life to run smoothly. Afterall you’re at a wedding and you’ve got a 9 yo, who is only half his age due to developmental delay. That sounds exhausting.

However, this isn’t your nieces responsibility. She is not there to appease your ds. At 18 I definitely would not have known how to handle a kid like this. You’re actually really lucky to have someone around your ds who is. So perhaps you could think to reframe this so that next time she will want to take your ds.

When dd was younger, by the time she was almost 6, I used to do anything to avoid meltdowns because I was too ill to deal with the consequences. It was my friend, who took me to one side and told me how she thought my dd had stopped developing emotionally when she started school and how she could see my dd terrorising me and holding me hostage. She helped me to address it as well and it’s all sorted. My point is, is have you set up a dynamic where your ds doing this to you?

MarthasGinYard · 25/04/2018 13:41

She's not done anything wrong

In the nicest possible way I wouldn't have wanted to be keeping an eye on a 9yo cousin at 18

He's been naughty
Her perfect excuse

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2018 13:42

Pengggwyn
Wow lecturing other people’s children. No that’s not what I’m saying at all. It’s hardly lecturing to say to a child, who hits your child. “That’s not nice, no thank you”. Or to say to your friends ds “please be kind, we are kind with eachother”. This is little kid stuff. I’m not sure how old your child is now, possibly not quite there yet. Perhaps you’ll think again when she is punched in the stomach by one of her classmates directly in front of you when she’s 6/7.

SpiderCid · 25/04/2018 13:44

I'm confused about the time frame of events.

Had your son asked your niece to take him to the disco before or after he had started misbehaving.
If he asked her before misbehaving, had she agreed to take him. And then threatened not to when he started misbehaving?
If it was after he had misbehaved. Had he started behaving after you had disciplined him, or was he still hitting and swearing at people?

I can actually see how what you niece did could be considered discipline, but at the same time I don't believe she was being unreasonable. You say because you're away from home you cant take the TV aware from him etc. But it sounds like your niece is his entertainment for the wedding. If this was my son I would of told him if he didn't stop being naughty he'd have to stay by me all night, which would equate to the same as your niece saying she wouldn't take him because he was being naughty.
As other people have said, she probably just felt like she was backing you up.

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