Someone else disciplining my child?

[AskinginApril]

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

It really does sound that you're pissed off that the niece wants to enjoy herself on her holiday abroad to attend a wedding and won't be the on tap babysitter you expected.

Maybe she doesn't want to take responsibility for him because she isn't allowed to set boundaries for appropriate behaviour whilst she has him!

Lol my teenage dds are not maternal in the slightest and would definatly not take their nephews anywhere without other adults.

Your niece isn’t a babysitter. She’s an adult who pleases herself.

I have a close family member who’s little girl I adore but refuse to take anywhere on my own because she is a terrible listener and throughs terrible tantrums on a bad day. It would be unsafe for me to take her anywhere and I’m not going to shoulder that responsibility. So she knows that I will go places with her and Mum but we can’t go places on our own. I’m not 18 but not much older.

I think your niece is protecting herself from the potential of something occurring which is perfectly reasonable.

@llangennith

If you get the chance, tell her you don’t believe in carrying punishments forward, if DS misbehaves he gets reprimanded and then everybody moves on so would she please not bring up past misdemeanours.

I don't understand this at all. Isn't the OP 'carrying punishment forward', in that she's intending to make him go to his room early, and not have sweets? Isn't she going to remind him then why he's not getting treats etc.?

Quite honestly, I can't see the point in punishing a child hours later, when the behaviour is way in the past from his perspective. Punish at the time.

I'd have run a mile from any child when I was 18, never mind at a wedding, and never mind from a child who gets his way by punching and swearing. What boy is going to chat you up if there's a bratty kid monopolising the attention?

I still haven't got the sequence of events straight in my head, though.

I had no idea developmental delay excuses hitting and swearing
One of my grandsons has learning difficulties and some speech issues but if he hits or were to swear at anyone he would get the same consequences as his siblings.
He isn't stupid. He knows right from wrong.

I agree. I don’t particularly like people discipline my child if I (or their father) am there, as it’s our job to do. If I am not there then I am happy for who lever I have left watching them to do so.

In your case I would say natural consequences to be honest.

It's never too early for a child to realise that if they're a pain in the arse then people simply won't want to be around them. I heartily wish more parents taught their children this basic lesson.

If you get the chance, tell her you don’t believe in carrying punishments forward, if DS misbehaves he gets reprimanded and then everybody moves on so would she please not bring up past misdemeanours
What?!

Guess natural consequences don't apply to some children.

Can see it now:
Child A is unkind
Child A gets into trouble for it at playtime
Other children don't really want to play with child A because they've demonstrated unkind behaviour and actions.
Child A's parent complains that other students are hanging onto past misdemeanours and should be told they are not allowed to make decisions based on their child's previous actions.

if DS misbehaves he gets reprimanded and then everybody moves on so would she please not bring up past misdemeanours

So she should just go "nope, not taking you" and not actually explain to him why? Cause I would think given that he's already kicked off once at her not wanting to take him, that's going to backfire really really quickly.

It's no coincidence that the parents who don't tolerate any crap behaviour have well behaved children. Or that the parents imposing faffy, convoluted 'punishments' have children that no one else likes.

I am super happy with others disciplining my child as it saves me the bother

Kids need to learn that it isn’t just their parents who can tell them off and kids need strong boundaries and limits.

Very happy for others to be involved. It takes a village etc etc....

No issues

I'm a teacher, would you have a problem with a teacher disciplining your child too?

He was just reinforcing what you said.

I don't see that as discipline so much as a natural consequence of being unpleasant.

What would you have preferred her to say?

I can see how you think your niece is disciplining your son and maybe she thought she is reinforcing your punishment (appropriate or not).

I personally don't think she should have to take your son with her and if she feels that due to his behaviour (developmental delay or not) she does not want to go with him then there is little you can do about it. My punishment to your son would be he has to stay by you all day as you cannot trust him not to swear and hit people. That deserves a pretty heavy sanction.

You can't artificially control everything your child hears. If people aren't you don't like his behaviour because it affects them (for example, in this case, where your DS wants to spend time with your niece and she no longer wants to) you can't disallow her from expressing her view on this. It's not your place.

I have a strong feeling from this that what you wanted was the babysitting. I feel a bit sorry for your niece.

if I was niece (who loved spending time with ds normally) I would not want to take a tricky 9 year old anywhere at a wedding abroad I would want to socialise and relax. She has likely used this as an excuse as it would be hard to refuse a child otherwise.

If you needed a break or to avoid a tantrum and you are close to niece I would say.

'please just take him for 5 mins as I don't want him kicking off.' then said to ds 'perhaps if you promise to behave niece will take you'

But it would be a favour from neice to you which I am would hope she would do. And I wouldn't ask more than once.

@LML83
'please just take him for 5 mins as I don't want him kicking off.' then said to ds 'perhaps if you promise to behave niece will take you'

If I was the niece who had already said no because of the son’s behaviour I would be really annoyed at you for putting me in that awkward situation.

I think a child with a development age of 4 can understand that someone doesn't want to be with them because they have been hitting and swearing. I think its fine to say no.

It would have been somewhat better if niece had been specific, 'I don't want to go because you have been hitting and swearing' than saying 'being naughty' because its more to the point and less 1980's but no one is perfect.

Yeah @mission it would be awkward I agree. But if it was someone close to me and I needed 5 mins I would ask. I would be aware it's a big ask and careful not to impose again. Wouldn't ask at all of it was someone outside my inner circle.

If I was the niece and it was a close family member I would do a favour for a short time if needed. Definately depends on the relationship.

Tbf he had your back and who wants yp be a glorified babysitter to naughty child..my friends and fam does same yo mine and does them no harm..teaches them that its not just mom that wont put up with it too..sorry to sound harsh but serves him right and your behaviour aint helping in feeling sorry for him..in reality you do wrong and people dont wanna know..valuable life lesson standard

Sorry i meant your neice not nephew😲😙

Your punishment would not have been understood by my 4 year old.

Your niece was not unreasonable in what she said. She was not discipline your child.

You need to discipline your child by what you’ve written. Developmental delay and being abroad is no excuse for lax parenting.