Someone else disciplining my child?

[AskinginApril]

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

Swore and hit? I had assumed something much milder when you used the word 'misbehaving'.

If he's asking her to take him places or do things she's not getting involved, she's responding.

I was just giving different examples. She's my niece. I don't have a problem with her not going with him, but I do have a problem with her constantly getting involved. I told him that he isn't having sweets from the shop and we'll be going back to the room earlier.

Is that what you call discipline? No sweets? What about the apology to the person he hit and swore at? Unless you are going to drip feed that? No wonder someone else feels the need to say something if that's what you call discipline.

She can't be "constantly" involved with a single incident though, op? Maybe you should go back to the room now, it sounds like your little darling is running riot, and it won't just be impacting on you.
Swearing and hitting at someone else's wedding is appalling behaviour, you really should have removed him completely instead of a wishy washy "no sweeties".
The niece is getting involved because you aren't.

Unless she lives with you I doubt she is constantly getting involved.
Maybe she really dislikes being around unpleasant and violent behaviour and is trying to stop it. Can't blame her.

I told him that he isn't having sweets from the shop and we'll be going back to the room earlier.

That was his punishment for hitting and swearing at a family member?

Oh my goodness, get a grip! Your ds misbehaves (hitting and swearing is horrendous and I'd be appalled if my 6yo did that but a 9 yo, wow that would be massive consequences in our house) but you focus on minor comments niece makes. If you'd rather she didn't say anything regarding his behaviour then let her know nicely but seriously I can't see it'll do him any harm knowing others aren't impressed with his behaviour.

From her point of view, why would she want to hang out with him if his behaviour is that bad?

Op: AIBU?
Mumsnet: you are a bit
Op: no I'm not because xyz

What discipline do you expect? We are away, I can't say no playing out, no TV, no iPod, whatever. I'm doing my best with trying not to cause a big scene. I'd say no sweets and go back earlier from the disco is definitely discipline.

Your niece does NOT have to bring your DS.

Perhaps she could reword her refusal.

I saw a few boys playing chicken on a wet road in the dark, at the foot of a curved road. extremely risky for them and any drivers.
I had to yell at them to get them to stop, and received verbal abuse for my trouble. However, they did go away while bad-mouthing me.
That's what I think of as 'It takes a village'. Maybe I should have taken the easy way and walked past and ignored them.

I mean she keeps getting involved while we are away. This is an abroad wedding. Yes, he's 9, but he has development delay and is at the development of a 4 year old, so that's why it isn't a huge punishment (what would that even be while we are abroad?)

How about no disco?

Discipling your DS would have been to say "No, you can't go".

Refusing to accept his behaviour is "No, I won't go with you"

You are not prevented from bringing your son where he wishes to go.

Did you make him apologize?? Obviously not as you would have said. Even the 18yo can see your wishy washy version of discipline isn't enough.

Bit much to expect an 18 year old to take responsibility for a 9 yr old who has the developmental age of a 4yr old isn't it OP???

Oh do give the OP break!

She has a 9 year old with developemental delay and the behaviour of a 4 year old and is away in a strange context and trying to still participate in a wedding and keep her child in control.
yes I am sure you are all going to remove the whole family from the disco because he misbahved and all go to bed early. On holiday. At a wedding

As I have said before, yes I think you are being too hard on the neice. How you dealt with your ds is down to you and knowing him in the context.

You are prefectly entitled to parent and discipline your child however you see fit.

Your DN is not getting involved in the discipline. She was responding to the question asked.

Do you honestly not see the difference?

OP why bother asking if YABU if you won't accept the answer?

Everyone is saying YABU! It does sound like you are trying to somehow shift blame onto your niece to validate the bad behaviour of your child. I don't blame her for not wanting to take him, and I applaud her honesty as to why. Hopefully her refusal is more effective than your removal of sweets

I suppose DN sees it appropriate that she supports you with dealing with your child and probably thinks she is doing you a favour (she is)
I chide my nephews when they're behaving badly, I am their aunt after all not some random person off the street.
Your child is not just your child, he is a family member and it's good for him to be treated as such.

The eighteen year old didn’t discipline him.

You cannot have it both ways, he needs extra care then a 18 year old who has no authority is not the person to be leaving your child with. I have a child with learning difficulties extra conversations need to be had. I have to have the conversation with my own teenagers, if I am present then I am the parent but if I am confident to leave DS with them then they have to have authority to deal with his actions. If he has misbehaved then it up to you to help your niece by stepping in when DS asks by removing the decision from her.

How did you deal with it?

I assume the 18yo has a choice about whether to take your dc or not.