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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone else disciplining my child?

248 replies

AskinginApril · 24/04/2018 22:46

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

OP posts:
jessebuni · 26/04/2018 20:39

Nope I’d have been fine with it. In this case I think the 18 year old is right. He misbehaved and she doesn’t want to have to deal with that so...consequences and all.

If either of my kids swore at someone or hit someone or were doing anything silly that endangered them or someone else I would be grateful for any and all back up from anyone who offered it. Verbally obviously. Sometimes it does children good to see that other people also don’t find their behaviour acceptable it reminds them that it isn’t just mum being mean and nagging it’s actualy unacceptable behaviour

Quetiapina · 26/04/2018 20:57

I used to love it if others put my son straight on things. I was a teen single parent and had no friends with kids so at uni it was me my son and my friends. If others told him off I would feel that it showed DS that it wasn’t only me that made the rules, that rules were shared by many people if you see what I mean.

CrazedZombie · 26/04/2018 20:58

The 18 year old has diplomatically said the truth. 4 year olds would say some variation of "I don't want to go with you because you're mean" 9 year olds would say worse out of earshot of adults. What the 18 year old said probably had more effect on him than the complicated punishment that you set.

GabsAlot · 26/04/2018 21:31

im a disablist because i cant cope with a sn child?

get a grip would you

Hereiam1980 · 26/04/2018 21:33

Maybe they just didn’t want to deal with your child. Where were they meant to be going? Why was it ob the 18 yr old to take them?

NotSinisterAtAll · 26/04/2018 21:36

I'd feel that to be more an opinion rather than disciplining. One of my friends kids has said this to my son. Friend is 9, my son is 12. He wasn't disciplining him,just expressing his opinion.

RavenWings · 26/04/2018 21:57

Also love the idea that parents of SN children aren’t allowed to ask for babysitters because that would be inflicting their child’s disabilities onto someone else.

No one has said that. People have said however that an 18 year old isn't obligated to mind the kid, especially not when the child isn't behaving appropriately. No one is entitled to babysitting.

rubyandbumpsmum · 26/04/2018 22:19

My 19yr old sister says this to my kids all the time. They drive her mad half the time! She also tells them to go away etc. One day she might become a bit child loving but it definitly isn't now lol!

caringcarer · 26/04/2018 23:09

If 18 year old thought child may misbehave again why would he want to accompany him? This is not disciplining him but teaching your son if he misbehaves people will not want to take him places. Perfectly reasonable even desirable behavior. I would be thanking 18 year old. Your son may think twice before misbehaving again. YABU.

GreenTulips · 26/04/2018 23:48

Also love the idea that parents of SN children aren’t allowed to ask for babysitters because that would be inflicting their child’s disabilities onto someone else.

You can ask - they can say no

Why would you trust the care of your SN child to someone who clearly can't or won't cope with their behaviour? Just why?

Darkstarrheart · 27/04/2018 02:20

AskinginApril
Who did your ds swear at and hit?

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/04/2018 03:03

That isn’t telling him off, it’s just stating a fact

Libbie001 · 27/04/2018 10:53

I thought the 18 year old handled that well in a mature way without disciplining your child. They are backing you up, being diplomatic and giving the lesson that actions (being naughty) has consequences. I dont know how you dealt with the misbehaving but if it was a telling off, this is often forgotten about 5 mins. later.

If I needed a babysitter, I would be happy that this 18 year old to babysit for me.

SweetCheeks1980 · 27/04/2018 11:34

I'm totally fine with this too.

holey · 27/04/2018 11:38

The real reason you were annoyed with her was because you knew he'd kick off if she didn't take him. You may do that with him a lot: pander to him to stop him having a tantrum instead of staying firm, despite the tantrum. This is made all the more embarrassing for you because you are with a lot of people and you must feel they are watching and judging you as a parent. I get it and we've all done similar from time to time.
But, (and this is the difficult bit) developmental delay or not, you are making a rod for your own and your child's back if you continue doing this. Manage this week as best as you can with all the family around you but when you are back home you must stop giving in to him as he knows all he has to do is have a tantrum and he'll get his own way. Let him have his strops. Eventually he'll realise they are having no effect. You may need to take another adult with you when you are out for a while to have someone else for backup as this will be hard to manage on your own but it will be much harder when he is 13 or 16. Nip it in the bud while you can and best of luck to you Smile.

Linning · 27/04/2018 12:01

I would do exactly like your niece, OP.
In fact I once interviened when a little boy was pinching and hitting another little girl next to me because he wanted a turn on the plastic horse she was on (even though there was another one available a few steps away) as his parents watched him. do, doing absolutely nothing to stop him. You probably would have been horrified.

Parents like you really are doing a disservice to their children. Your child needs to learn that his bad behaviour has consequences. Saying you won't buy him sweets and going back home early instead of right now isn't discipling him. Sweets are a treat, it should be an understatement and not even needing mentioning that he isn't getting any after swearing and hitting someone. You should have told him off on the spot, made him apologize to the person and you should have been the one telling him there was absolutely no way he was going with niece after his behaviour and that if he was doing anything of the sort again he would be removed and going straight back to the room.

In a few years he will be taller and stronger than you and until then you need to ensure he learns that he absolutely CANNOT use violence as a way to lash out at absolutely anyone and the fact that you are currently choosing to focus your energy at getting upset at niece for being helpful instead of effectively tackling the appalling behaviour is concerning. If DN has to constantly intervene it means your DS is constantly misbehaving and that what you are implementing to discipline him isn't working. Time to find something more efficient.

bertielab · 27/04/2018 12:04

If someone asked me to go somewhere with a misbehaving 9 year old, I 'd say the same!

Did you use the word naughty? If offends some people -but I use it and am happy for other people to -if they have been.

bringincrazyback · 27/04/2018 13:23

To me this reads like 18 y/o family member was supporting your chastisement of DS...

Boulty · 27/04/2018 20:55

Just the same as the majority say - that is not disciplining... no idea why you have a problem with that.

Juells · 27/04/2018 20:59

Did you use the word naughty? If offends some people

Why does it offend? I didn't know that. It's not a word that Irish people use in relation to a child, we say 'bold'. It means something like naughty, but not quite the same. Naughty always sounds a bit minimising.

captainbizz · 27/04/2018 21:05

Honestly OP your niece was NBU.

PieAndPumpkins · 28/04/2018 09:09

She probably meant she didn't want to because of his behaviour. But saying that would be a bit brutal wouldn't it?

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