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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Someone else disciplining my child?

248 replies

AskinginApril · 24/04/2018 22:46

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

OP posts:

GinghamStyle · 25/04/2018 11:49

It sounds like your DS was overwhelmed and needed removing from the situation. It didn't have to be a punishment, just taken to go and play quietly or have a nice walk outside, perhaps kick a ball around. It can be hard to leave a wedding and "miss out" but your DS comes first and him being in a mental state where he's hitting and swearing isn't fair on him any more than it's fair on the family member he directed it at.

I'd speak to the niece and ask her just to say "no thank you" in future rather than saying "no because you were naughty" if that's bothering you. With something like a wedding, it may have been helpful if niece has form for saying things like that, to have said to her, "if DS misbehaves today, remember that sometimes he gets overwhelmed and acts impulsively, if that happens could you help me by....." and getting her to be onside before she has a chance to say something unhelpful.

With my son's SEN, the ADHD & ASD explains why the behaviour occurs, but it isn't an excuse for it - there are still consequences, but I'm as much responsible for prepping him before events like weddings and busy days out to minimize the chance of things going wrong and having a plan in place for when they do.

Original poster

AskinginApril · 25/04/2018 11:49

She jumped in and said it when I was around.

OP posts:

ISaidIWasTired · 25/04/2018 11:53

You surely can't be ok with your 18 year old niece taking out your child who swears, hits and has the developmental level of a 4 year old?!? That's madness.

Your niece sounds like the sensible one here I'm afraid...

Amanduh · 25/04/2018 11:55

She’s not ‘getting involved.’ She’s already involved - so it’s fine for her to take him places unless she tells him she won’t tolerate bad behaviour? As everyone has already told you OP yabu and ridiculous

Johnnycomelately1 · 25/04/2018 11:56

I think the niece just doesn't want to handle him and is using his behaviour as a reason to avoid circumstances where she's responsible for him. She may not be handling it that well, but she's 18.

User74689 · 25/04/2018 11:56

Did you want the 18 year old to take your child somewhere? It sounds like you did. If so, presumably you would have been ok with the 18yo disciplining them once they were responsible for them? Or would even that be unacceptable? Was the woman meant to entertain your child, taking responsibility for them but with zero authority, in your opinion?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 25/04/2018 11:58

I have a child with development delay who is a hitter (6 years old) so do understand. Its hard, if he wants to go somewhere with someone else then of course they have to be allowed to discipline him, as otherwise he'd never go anywhere. So that's the answer to your title.

But this wasn't disciplining and if any of my DC and hit and swore at any age, including 4, then they would have expected sanctions such as not being allowed to go to a disco.

If her comments worry you, then you could ask your niece not to mention his behaviour, but make it clear she's not obligated to take him anywhere as he's your responsibility. If he gets upset then you can explain to him that things such as hitting and swearing make a difference to how people feel about you.

Natural consequences is very important thing to teach, especially for those with developmental issues as they may not pick these things up naturally and that makes functioning in society and making positive relationships very difficult.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 25/04/2018 11:58

Are you miffed because you want niece to babysit? Take DS off your hands?

ittakes2 · 25/04/2018 11:59

I think it’s a slightly immature thing for an 18 year old to say but I wouldn’t say it’s telling them off. 18 prob just wanted an excuse not to go with him.

Original poster

AskinginApril · 25/04/2018 12:00

I didn't want her to babysit, but he wanted to go with her. He looks up to her and she enjoys spending time with him too, that's why I wanted her to go, as he'd kick off if she didn't, as he did.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 25/04/2018 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissP103 · 25/04/2018 12:03

What is wrong with telling him that he couldn't go because he was naughty. Why do you want to sugar coat that? You seem determined to do so and that's your choice. But you can take away from this experience that people aren't going to accept that horrible behaviour and will say something.
He was naughty and there was a consequence to that.

Springnowplease · 25/04/2018 12:03

It's up to her. If she thinks he's going to act up I don't blame her for saying no.

Branleuse · 25/04/2018 12:04

I dont think that is her disciplining him or getting over involved. In fact it sounds like she just doesnt want to be involved.

I think youre projecting your embarrassment and discomfort over the situation with your son, onto your neice.

MirriVan · 25/04/2018 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBug45 · 25/04/2018 12:09

@AskingApril I've had to look after some of from the age of 14 my nephews and nieces from when they were born.

Once they started school if one of them misbehaved by hitting another person, then no way would I as a teenager take them somewhere. Simply because I would not be happy that I wouldn't be put in the situation where they would do it again and I couldn't deal with it effectively.

Once I got in my twenties I got more confident that I could deal with their behaviour and any of their friends' who went out with us. It actually got to the point where I was telling of 6ft tall 14 and 15 year old boys, to the shock of passers-by.

So your niece is right not to take your son out if she thinks she cannot cope if he repeats his behaviour and she is on her own so YABU to expect her to.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 25/04/2018 12:10

I wouldn't have wanted to hang around at a disco with my young cousins at that age. I think she's just using his behaviour as an excuse to get out of it

Aeroflotgirl · 25/04/2018 12:12

The 18 year old was right.

MirriVan · 25/04/2018 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 25/04/2018 12:13

So you wanted her to go somewhere with your ds because he wanted her to and would kick off if she didn't?

Leave her alone to enjoy the wedding, fgs. Your child's behaviour is not her concern.

willynillypie · 25/04/2018 12:13

I didn't want her to babysit, but he wanted to go with her.

But as he has the developmental age of a 4 year old (and even if he didn't but because he is 9) and because she is 18, she would automatically be babysitting!!!

that's why I wanted her to go, as he'd kick off if she didn't, as he did

This is pure pandering to avoid a tantrum, and you are unfairly blaming your niece. You sound very entitled.

zzzzz · 25/04/2018 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2018 12:17

Even a 4 year old shouldn't be hitting and swearing.
If he wanted to go with her then he should behave. If he looked up to her that much then he should follow her good example and behave well.
You wanted her to take him so he didn't kick off? Maybe he needs to be allowed to kick off a bit. No parent should give into their kid (or expect anyone else to) in order to keep the peace.
It's a life lesson. Behave badly? They're consequences. And this was very bad behaviour.

BarbarianMum · 25/04/2018 12:19

Maybe she feels she has to give a reason and can't just say no? Or maybe she was more upset about his behavioyr than you think. Its a disco at a wedding abroad. Maybe she just wants to get shitfaced and snog someone, not babysit?

HoppingPavlova · 25/04/2018 12:21

I don’t see the problem. Your son wants to go with your niece. Your son is being naughty. Given your claim she is ‘continuously jumping in’ it would make sense he is continuously being naughty. She doesn’t want him to go with her as he has been naughty and says so. That’s a consequence of naughtiness. You seem to think it impacts on you only so if you ‘discipline’ your child (by having less lollies and time at a disco.....) then everyone has to be happy with your child and put up with him. Well, they don’t. And they are telling him that. That’s NOT discipline, that’s a natural consequence and is going to be FAR more effective than less time at the disco. Your niece should be applauded by you not spoken to. I say this as a parent to a child with ASD, while there may be reasons why behaviour is not ideal it’s not a free pass and others don’t have to put up with being hit and sworn at etc.

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