Someone else disciplining my child?

[AskinginApril]

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

Peng

Why so defensive?

It DOES take a village to raise a child - that village includes friends, family, teachers etc.

Or do you keep your child isolated and locked away from society?

Pengggwyn
It sounds as if your experience of this is very different from mine. My friends and I very much do this with the children. It’s rather like Somersetter says. If I saw a child I know visibly upset or even one I don’t, I’d go and try to help and take them to their parent/care giver. If I see a little kid just about to run in the road, I would stop.

I once saw a woman (a stranger) struggling with a very upset older baby writhing and falling out of the pushchair and a young child. It was raining. I stopped, picked them up and drove them home. The neighbours dog just down the road was running away toward the road and we stopped and dd scooped her up and we found her owner. These are“it takes a village” gestures.

Oh goodness, I thought you were going to describe some kind of punishment.

As PP have said, that is not "disciplining" your child.

Totally normal reaction to bad behaviour.

So presumably you thought you dealt with it and that was the end of it.
Maybe it’s affected you because you realise how your sons behaviour is actually negatively affecting other people, which goes beyond the realms of normal 9 year and actually makes people not want to be around him?

Joanna57

I'm not remotely defensive. You're asking me some aggressive questions though.

Mummyoflittledragon

As I say, I have no problem with any of that. I was talking about the application of the same phrase to disciplining other people's children.

YABU how on earth is that discipling, he didn’t want to take him simple. I would have actually told him off if your telling off didn’t work. Maybe your son should behave better in future

That wasn’t discipline but a consequence of 9 year olds behaviour, which the 18 year old had every right to make. I have a feeling that if you truly believe that the behaviour of the 18 year old is akin to discipline that your definition may be widely off the mark and may have contributed to the 18 having to take that stance because your response might have been inadequate.

Is "you're not coming here with me because you've been naughty" disciplining?

We are all staying in a hotel for a wedding and these 2 things have been said over the couple of days from the 18 year old.

Everyone seems to have answered this question already. Most people don't consider it disciplining. It's not disciplining your child. They were just expressing what they didn't want.

No, for course it's not disciplining. How did you discipline your child?

No it's just a consequence of the earlier 'naughty' behaviour IMO

Not disciplining at all.

This 18 yo just doesn't want your dc in tow, and now has the perfect excuse which they sound like they are exercising no doubt.

"You're not coming with me because you've been naughty" is not discipline, it's natural consequences. If someone behaves in an unpleasant way then other people don't want to be around them.

The 18 year old probably doesn't want to be stuck with a 9 year old anyway and the 9 year old's bad behaviour has put the 18 year old off even more.

OP, the 18 year old has no obligations to take your 9 year old anywhere.

Well if he has said it more than once maybe he is fed up with ds behaviour and doesn't want the responsibility of taking a child anywhere where they could kick off and they would have to deal with it.

If your ds only behaved badly once and 18yr old has said it more than once he probably doesn't want to hang around with a 9 yr old and thats his excuse.

Either way it's his choice its not 'disciplining' him.

As per pp, 18yo doesn't want a 9yo tagging along and now has an excuse as to why not.
I know I wouldn't have.

He's 18!!! He doesn't want a 9 year old with him, and the bad behaviour is a perfect excuse! It's actually more tactical of him to use the bad behaviour as an excuse rather than saying outright that he doesn't want to hang with a child

Do you think the 18 year old should entertain your child / take them off your hands for a while, op? The 18 year old doesn't want to be responsible for your child; you need to respect that, instead of imagining that they're disrespecting you by refusing to.

I agree with PPS, this 18yo was not disciplining your child. 9yo is plenty of time to realise that others may not want to be with you or take you places if you act up.

Pengggwyn
I would also talk to a child, who did something unkind to another especially one I know. I was giving examples of “village” stuff, which don’t include disciplining other kids. Besides it’s not really about discipline, it’s often about safety and respect. Eg a couple of years ago, a boy grabbed hold of a girls pony tail and tried to pull her off the roundabout. Very dangerous. I shouted his name loudly and told him to stop and he immediately stopped. Had I not done so, they probably would both have been hurt. He was about 7/8 at the time. His mother was probably busy with his younger sibling and didn’t see the incident. Not that she’s terribly effectual when it comes to parenting.

Not really. If he's kicked off once, the possibility of him doing it again is still there, even if he actually doesn't.