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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone else disciplining my child?

248 replies

AskinginApril · 24/04/2018 22:46

Who is in the right?

9 year old son was misbehaving. I dealt with it.

My son then asked 18 year old family member to come somewhere with them. Would have been fine if they didn’t want to, but they said “no, because you have been naughty”.

Would you be okay with this?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/04/2018 10:29

OP you are quite clearly pissed off with the 18yo (who I agree with everyone else is being perfectly reasonable). Why is that?

FirstTimeRound984 · 25/04/2018 10:43

I'd be fine with that. I don't it as disciplining as such more reinforcing your discipline to your DS. Backing you up in a sense. Probably thought you would want him to say no since he's just been told off. Might make you DS look at his actions since he was prevented for doing something with the 18yo as a result of his behaviour earlier.
I have had my SS do to same with my DS, he was naughty I told him off - tried to get SS to help him be naughty again, SS said no I don't want to you've already been told not to do that. I appreciated the back up.

clippityclock · 25/04/2018 10:45

TBH I'd be telling my child he wasn't going anywhere with the 18 year old because he isn't behaving very well. Why would I want to inflict my badly behaved child on an 18 year old who is there to enjoy the wedding?!?!

Its sounds like you don't quite get the impact of your child's behaviour on everyone else.

Juells · 25/04/2018 10:46

Nine seems a strange age for 'being naughty'. I can see it when much younger, or during the frightful teenage years, but things are usually pretty calm inbetweentimes.

The 18-year-old probably wanted to wander around and do a bit of flirting and posing.

Did you get the hump with the 18-year-old, and console your DS afterwards?

HannahHut · 25/04/2018 10:49

Sorry, but if I was 18 I wouldn't want to be taking any kid around a wedding with me, whether they were naughty or not.

Are you upset because you appear to have lost your babysitter for the night? Just a thought.

Pengggwn · 25/04/2018 10:54

Mummyoflittledragon

I'm not an unreasonable person, Mummy. It's common sense that, if I am not around and you see my DC doing something unsafe, you stop them. I would do likewise. But I wouldn't engage in lecturing other people's kids about unkind behaviours and I wouldn't tell them off unless what they did affected me or my child. That's just a difference of opinion.

MissP103 · 25/04/2018 10:59

Do you really call that disciplining a child OP? If he has been naughty then maybe the 18yo doesn't want to put up with it. Maybe tell your child that's a consequence to naughty behaviour, that people may not want to be around him if he behaves that way.

Original poster
AskinginApril · 25/04/2018 11:04

It's a she, and she was fine with him going with her to the entertaining bits and that.

He has development delay, that's why you might be so shocked at the behaviour and age.

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 25/04/2018 11:05

Drip drip

Original poster
AskinginApril · 25/04/2018 11:07

Why is there any kind of drip feeding going on? There isn't.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 25/04/2018 11:08

She's not obliged to take him anywhere and if he misbehaved again maybe she didn't want to have to deal with it. What did he do by the way?

steppemum · 25/04/2018 11:09

well, I think you are being too hard on the 18 year old.
She's 18, and not the parent, or even the babysitter, so it could be anything:
she doesn't want to constantly have the younger child with her, teens can be fickle too. (was ok earlier, but not any more)
She thought she was backing you up, because she's aware he's been out of order
She's 'practising' being an adult, but doesn't really have the adult perspective
She's just spottted a good looking guy and wants to wander over and get a bit closer and the kid is in the way.

give her a break.

Original poster
AskinginApril · 25/04/2018 11:09

He swore and hit another member of the family, but I dealt with it.

OP posts:
MissP103 · 25/04/2018 11:11

Doesn't matter what the issue is OP. No one has to put up with bad behaviour.

ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 25/04/2018 11:12

Maybe the 18 yo didn't fancy getting hit...

MissP103 · 25/04/2018 11:12

Swore and hit? No ways would I want that behaviour tagging along with me. It sounds like you are convinced that the 18yo is wrong and your ds should be excused.

Original poster
AskinginApril · 25/04/2018 11:13

I know they don't. However, I feel like she is constantly getting involved "don't hit or I won't take you to the disco" "I won't do this with you now"

I don't understand how that isn't discipline. Getting involved is unreasonable, surely...

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 25/04/2018 11:14

I would be fine with that.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 25/04/2018 11:14

Of course she doesn't want sole charge of a child who's swearing and hitting Hmm

ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 25/04/2018 11:15

YABU... The 18 yo is being completely fair.

MissP103 · 25/04/2018 11:18

Why would she 'continuously' get involved if the behaviour isn't repeatedly happening? Sounds like she is saying these things in response to continuously being asked.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 25/04/2018 11:18

I'd love to hear how you dealt with it, op, if you have such issues with someone else pointing out the consequences of hitting to your child...
I suspect you may be an advocate of what they like to call gentle parenting. Don't ask anyone else to take that on.

Gottagetmoving · 25/04/2018 11:19

In our family we don't mind each other 'disciplining' the children.
It depends on the family I suppose but some members will put up with certain behaviours and others won't. We don't fall out over it.

steppemum · 25/04/2018 11:20

"don't hit or I won't take you to the disco"

Ok that sounds very different to what you said before.
If my kids were doing that to each other, I would say to the one doing it - when did you get appointed parent? In fatc we used to have it as a joke - LOOK OUT 3rd parent alert! when one of them did this.

She sounds as if she is trying to be like the adults.
I am guessing she isn't your child though?

Even so - if you hit, I won't take you somewhere - is really her choice. She doesn't have to. She isn't saying - if you hit then you will loose your screen time and go to bed early, which is her chosing to discipline like a parent, she is saying I don't want to go with you if you are hitting.

bonnyshide · 25/04/2018 11:20

If the 18YO is expected to take the child out and about and put in a position of authority while looking after the child then they ABSOLUTELY have the right to say they can't come with because if bad behaviour.

I expect the 18YO doesn't want to have to deal with the child being disobedient.

What is your relationship to the 18YO and why do you see this as disciplining (it's not) and unreasonable (it's not)?