to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

This makes me sad. Myself and my siblings would steal food as we were not fed enough. I have had a life long eating disorder I think in part due to this and filling an emotional void where love was not expressed

get rid of the treats.

I've counted them so don't take any'

That's so horrible. What's your relationship with her like not?

*now not not

Birthday !!! Jeez - if you love your child you would never cancel a birthday. Totally and utterly of the charts nasty. You can say it was considered but you love her too much - and we will think of others ways to stop to lying and thieving, but her birthday is special as she is... love her — she’s clearly crying out for attention with the bad behaviour !! And I am totally shocked at the complete lack of insight from other posters — you are mostly seriously flawed parents..

She's almost a teenager and it was a couple of biscuits! You sound very strict. Have you never nibbled on something as you're making tea or fancied something when you've got in from work?

This sounds like classic eating disorder tendencies to me. And believe me, that’s a really hard road. I think there is a really danger in the healthy eating obsession these days - of course kids need to avoid obesity etc but banning and hiding certain foods is not the best route to teaching a child to eat in a balanced way. Please be kind to her and try to find out what the root cause of the behaviour is.

Foxysoxy10

Extremely well said Foxy... something feels amiss here for the poor little girl to be "stealing" treats. Is she hungry? Is she being bullied? Is she worried about school? Worried about puberty? Something, for certain, is worrying her - and it is much more important to get to the bottom of that, and reassure her, than to punish her so horribly.

Lacucuracha

Pretty good now but I've come to terms with how it was when I was a kid, my parents would also frequently buy chocolate etc for themselves but none for me, fine if I hadn't been shopping with them so saw it

I now have a 3 yr old ds who is allowed much more freedom, he knows full well that once it's gone it's gone

It’s been said few times but I’d be more concerned about why she’s doing it that the actions themselves. Personally think cancelling whole event over biscuits would only cause resentment and bad feeling. I know other DD not doing it but each person is different and she must be hungry/ have cravings to persist even after punishment? And lying when she knows you disapprove is basic childish behaviour - needs discussing obviously but is not a surprise.
My parents were very strict over food and it caused bulimia in my teens. I’d definitely investigate cause not effect :(

OP she is 12 and I assume your eldest? When I was the same age my mother huffed and puffed about me 'stealing food', when really I was eating food that was available when I was hungry in my own house. Her insistence that quite normal behaviour was the crime of the century was just the start of the downward spiral in our relationship that has never really recovered.

You do need to start considering your eldest's needs. Yes there are younger siblings to consider but I would bet my sodding house that by the time your youngest is 12 you won't give a stuff about biscuits, 2 or more before tea or otherwise and this needs to be considered. Her friends without younger siblings will live in houses with much more 'grown up' attitudes to food where there rules regarding snacks will have evolved since they were toddlers, and you need to be aware of this too.

Don't cancel the party over this. She will remember it forever and history won't be kind to you.

OP, I'm late to this party but fwiw, when I was pre-monthly, I would be ravenous. it was a sign that i used to know i was going to start.
As an adult I craved certain foods nearing my period and finally resorted to air popped popcorn. With a little butter, salt or teaspoon of sugar. When i realized I was hungry due to hormones, not "normal" hunger.

I would stop buying junk and only have fruit or healthy snacks. It's how I raised mine and they are fit and healthy.

My ds had a spell of heaviness just before his growth spurt. He was also very unhappy and ate more than usual. Most dc do have troubles around this age.

All of this is hormonal or physical, NOT greedy.

You could be looking at the wrong thing.

Dc are like jelly; hold them too tightly and they swish through your fingers. Listen to the others on this thread. I thought that you received very wise and caring advice.

One last thing: when I was having lots of difficulty dealing with dd, I went for help. Parenting is s skill. We aren't born with perfect parenting skills. We learn them.

Good luck.

Lurpack Well done for being 'open' enough to listen to the majority of posters on here and do something constructive about it !! Really good news For your DD and you . Good luck

This is another 'AIBU' thread when the OP argues the toss after being advised 'YABU'.

Why start the thread if you wont consider the suggestions?.

If you really want some opinions, i will add mine..

1. Have a good chat with your daughter. Explain that you have considered cancelling the sleepover due to her lying. Ask why , genuinely, she is doing this. What if another kid is stealing her lunch at school , or messing with her lunch. What if she isn't eating at school for some reason and that's what's making her hungry?

2. Stop hiding food. And it is food..'treats' makes it sound exciting and forbidden. Put it next to the fruit. Stop being bothered about it. Let her make her own decisions about how much of this stuff she eats. Let her note the consequences.

I think there's something else going on here, shes inviting punishment, basically asking to be reprimanded. Why?

Wow...I can’t believe you were seriously considering cancelling her birthday sleepover over two stolen choccie biccies...fucking hell you’re nuts!

I see you have reconsidered the craziness. Good-oh.
Try not to get overwrought about things - yes, healthy eating and honesty are important. No, nicking a couple of chocolate biscuits is not worthy of a cancelled birthday.

Why do you call it stealing?
She has a need ( who knows from where) that she neefs to satisfy. I would be really be looking at why she's doing this rather than punishing. And I hate the 'stealing', its just food ( ok her sisters chocolate was not good) but its more important you find out why shes doing it. DONT PUNISH.
I was accused of 'stealing food when I was a young teenager. I was actually hungry but not for fruit, for carbohydrates and affection. Be kind, not punitive.

Completely fair. She must learn that there are consequences and you must follow through.

Good result op. Definitely a more measured and helpful way forward..

Stealing is stealing. Whether its biscuits or money. If it doesnt belong to you then it is stealing.
Stealing isnt acceptable in life no matter what it is and they need to learn this preferably before it moves on to other stuff.

There may well be some underlying issue about stealing the treats. Would cancel event not based on stealing but lying until I unearthed why she is stealing.

Haven't read full thread. But did you never help yourself to treats iin your own house growing up? I am in my 50s and we helped ourselves to the biscuit tin when dm went out. None of us ended up as thieves or with food issues. Hell l ate one of dhs Easter eggs last night so maybe l did grow into a thief! This is your dcs home. Her safe place. Don't make a big deal of this as being shamed and hounded only leads to more deceit. Build a relationship with her which includes excitement on her birthday. She won't end up a bank robber but she could end up hating you if you cancel her party or shame her in front of her friend.

Honestly, my 3 year old gets the biscuit barrel and eats biscuits but I don’t call that stealing. I think your approach may be overbearing I’m afraid.

SOUnds like you are handling it very well OP. As they get older they can do what they please in terms of buying rubbishy food so you’re far better off not making it forbidden and therefore a good way to rebel. I sometimes find all the crisps are gone before I’ve had a chance to have any, and the kids get cross as DH likes their favourite flavours. I’ve hobesyly thought about writing our names on packets before now but haven’t done so, yet!!