Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

354 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 12:45

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
ToothyMcPuthy · 24/04/2018 23:29

YABU.

If you don’t want her to take the ‘treats’ then perhaps stop buying them, or talk to her about the long term effects of too much sugar.

Talk to her. Please don’t cancel her birthday party. Something similar happened to me and I still remember it 30 year later.

blackteasplease · 24/04/2018 23:37

YABU

That's ridiculously harsh! Her birthday party? that comes once a year? For eating food?

No way!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 25/04/2018 06:28

THE OP ISN'T CANCELLING THE PARTY. She's taken on board a lot of advice and will be looking at it in a different way.

Although I don't agree with the op's feelings completely, she is in a difficult place. All the posters saying let her at it and once it's gone, it's gone - fine, but op has 4 children. If one of them is taking the vast majority of the snack food, that's hardly fair to the others. That, I think, is why op has been keeping tabs on the unhealthier stuff until now.

Op I think your idea of a snack box for each child is a good one. It gives your dd control without giving her the opportunity to run rampage.

Fwiw my mum never bought sweet stuff for us. I did have a term of buying a shit loads of crisps, chocolate and sweets at uni, but sorted myself out pretty quickly.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/04/2018 07:11

That’s harsh
As the punishment is way bigger than the crime
Stop buying treats completely and turn off the WiFi for a week

But her birthday will also impact other children and their happiness

KreigersClones · 25/04/2018 09:20

THE OP ISN'T CANCELLING THE PARTY

I find the fact she was even considering it over a couple of biscuits to be incredible authoritarian.

ppeatfruit · 25/04/2018 09:34

Lurpack I would add that IME and O it's wrong to compare children, your eldest is NOT your other daughter, they have separate personalities feelings etc.

Children shouldn't be treated like a mass; I dislike it when people say things like " Oh yes, the kids" or "The twins".

user1495490253 · 25/04/2018 09:59

I used to do this as a young teen and it was part of a lifelong eating disorder.

FrenchJunebug · 25/04/2018 11:33

also your kids are getting mixed messages: a kitkat is food at lunchtime as it is in their lunchbox but treat in the afternoon. Either it's food all the time and they can eat it as they wish or it's a treat and it has no place in the lunchbox.

Lizzie48 · 25/04/2018 11:39

We're not allowed to provide chocolate with a packed lunch at our DDs' school. We're expected to give them healthy food. They're having school dinners so it doesn't apply to them. It's silly, though, because school dinners include a pudding which is often far from healthy.

idobelieveinfairies86 · 25/04/2018 11:43

Also with regard to the lying @OP, would you have punished her for taking the food if she had admitted it? If the answer is yes, then you have your problem right there. She has no incentive to tell the truth and nothing to lose by lying but could get away with it if she lied well enough.
As I said early I detest lying but my eldest went through a faze of lying about everything so we had a new house rule "tell me the truth and I'll reduce the punishment, lie to me and I'll punish you for both", She never lied to me again.

kateandme · 25/04/2018 13:51

dieu very thoughtful post
everyone I know who has been regimented has had issue with control or wanting,needing,body image to some extent.
then the people that it was just there.so was fruit.healthy meals.so was unhealthy.no label no good or bad...they simply now take it or leave it and are the healthiest ones.are the ones that just listen to there bodies more.
we really have fukd up food and health and body beliefs.food was given taste it isn't a bland form which would then mean to feed or provide just life.its all varied all tasting for us to have different moments.memorys sensations from.its why our tongues have different parts that have the senses four sour,sweet savoury etc.food should be loved.in balance.
so to our love for ourselves.our time to nourish yet treat.
how we look from being healthy to just being us.
I fear and hate this wolrd sometimes and what it has become and how some people now feel about themselves and food because of it

StaplesCorner · 25/04/2018 14:05

Children shouldn't be treated like a mass; I dislike it when people say things like " Oh yes, the kids" or "The twins".

ppeatfruit that freaks me out as well (off topic I know) - I thought I was in the minority; worse thing is getting christmas cards addressed to Staples, Mr Staples and the girls. FFS.

Anyway. Yeah I don't think we'll ever see the Grin OP again.

Kpo58 · 25/04/2018 14:07

OP - Are the healthy snacks that are available something that DD actually likes to eat? For me, I'd rather put pins in my eyes than eat sun-dried tomatoes, oranges or olives. If all that is available to her is stuff that she doesn't like eating, of course she will search elsewhere for food that she does like.

Kpo58 · 25/04/2018 14:10

@StaplesCorner I know what you mean about greetings cards. It was always for my parent's names and family. As I'm an only child, they could have used my actual name. It would have saved ink too as my name has less letters in it than the word family!

Lizzie48 · 25/04/2018 14:35

I agree, we won't hear from the OP again. I wonder whether she really given up the idea of cancelling the sleepover or whether she was just saying what she knew we wanted to hear?Hmm

BackInTime · 25/04/2018 14:46

I agree about treating children as as mass as ‘the kids’. Applying the same rules across the board regardless of age is unfair. It is important to differentiate some rules for older and younger DCs. A 12 year old in secondary school should not be subjected to all the same rules as the youngest in the house.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 25/04/2018 15:24

I'm here!

I spoke to DD yesterday after school. We have agreed that she will have her own snack box and regulate herself. We made one together with a mixture of snacks, some healthy and some sweet.

She has agreed to eat the meals I make for tea and can help herself to the snacks as she sees fit and understands when they are gone then they are gone.

We have spoken about lying and that I want us to have a trusting relationship which is open and honest. We have spoken about healthy eating and balance in diets. No shouting involved and she seems happy with all the above.

I think where I was going wrong was treating her the same as her younger siblings, I do appreciate that things need to change as they grow up. I also think hormones are at play here as she is having 'tummy aches' recently.

The party is going ahead. I knew IWBU on that all along, hence the post. I just felt frustrated in wanting her to be honest with me and wanting her to be healthy.

Thanks all for your input

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 25/04/2018 15:49

Tweens and teens get really hungry. Let them eat.
Cereals porridge toast and yea a couple of choc biscuits before bed so long as they clean teeth after.

tava63 · 25/04/2018 16:03

If your child lies to you she does not trust how you respond. If you work on this your child in turn will respond better to you.

Many of the words you chose to write earlier indicate that despite what you think your attitude to your daughter is over harsh. As the posts progressed your resistance to feedback was evident and even in conceding I was personally left with the impression that you are still not fully aware of the impact of your own behaviour on others. Lots of people have come along here and told you how over harsh and over controlling parenting, especially around food, had a long lasting detrimental effect on their lives. I have also experienced this and agree with their comments. When I read your post first it hit a nerve and not a pleasant one. Being firm but fair is good parenting but as in your case firm but hard is not. It may also be beneficial to seek some counselling for yourself to help you reflect more on how you come across. Best wishes OP and even better wishes to your lovely daughter. Our children are often our best teachers.

Middleoftheroad · 25/04/2018 16:10

OP glad you backed off as I found your original post so harsh.

I have twin DS (12) one eats like a sparrow and the other is ravenous lately (growth spurt?) So he can have what he wants within reason and we don't make a deal about his appetite.

I would never dream of considering cancelling a birthday treat for such a small 'crime' and felt sad for your DD.

BackInTime · 25/04/2018 16:53

Sounds like you have agreed a way forward OP. It is really hard when the oldest child seems to suddenly grow up and leap ahead before you realise and your parenting has to suddenly adjust. There will be lots of this ahead over the next few years so brace yourself for battles about clothes, makeup, social media, boys to name a few. You will soon be wishing that you were back to the days when you were worried about her eating a kit kat Grin

Lacucuracha · 25/04/2018 17:01

Don't cancel the cheque sleepover!

Kidding!

Well done, OP. You took advice onboard pretty quickly so kudos to you for that.

Shrodingerslion · 25/04/2018 17:01

Op kudos for coming back and talking all of the opinions on board.

Lizzie48 · 25/04/2018 17:04

Well done, OP. I know I'll be facing this moment when my parenting needs to change, I'll probably struggle too. My DD1 is 9 so not a long way off. Grin

kezzy13 · 25/04/2018 17:28

Remember finding a note in the biscuit tin when I was a kid from my mum 'I've counted them so don't take any'