to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

I have stopped buying rubbish food/treats, I don’t mind them having biscuits but I don’t buy chocolate anymore. Both my dc’s have cooked meals which includes a pudding or cake, when they get home they can have a biscuit (I don’t really see them as treats) then they have dinner, sometimes I will buy them a treat if I have been anywhere that day but I don’t keep a cupboard full of chocolate and sweets.

I think people are being harsh with you. My oldest daughter similarly will take items which are more treat than healthy and hide them. She is allowed these foods but in moderation, as a healthy diet should be. However, no matter how much of a ‘treat’ item she has, she always wants more.

We always discuss the benefits of a healthy balance, stress the healthy options available etc,.. etc.,. But she simply doesn’t want to make these choices. She’d rather not have anything 9 times out of 10 which says a lot for how hungry she is.

She eats balanced meals, has treats in moderation , has access to lots of healthy options BUT she simply would choose to eat nonsense all day long if given half a chance. I think it’s just impulse control.

I do therefore limit what I buy ( which I’m sure you do too) but it feels uphill at times, especially when she takes things, hides it and lies. I find the lies the hardest as Id best so much less upset if she just told me!

On the party front, it’s tough if you have given that as a consequence,... you probably need to follow through but I’m guessing none of you will enjoy that!

Good luck!! !

I was going to say the same thing

Please don't cancel her 13th birthday party. Certainly something to be celebrated.
Having to explain to her friends would be extremely embarrassing, and quite possibly cause a lot of resentment towards you.
If you have already said you were cancelling the party, you can always say that you have had rethink, and have changed your mind, parents are allowed to!
I too think you have a lot of restrictions can she not have her i Pad a couple of days mid week, as long as home work is done and it's not for too long. Phrase it such, that she is now a teenager etc etc.
What about a couple of crackers and cheese and one sweet biscuit when she gets in from school, and have it ready for when she gets in, that's if you are at home them.
Good luck with sorting out the problem.
Be kind!

Never stole in our house you always ask.
My mom once banned me from the school disco..because i had misbehaved but do i hold it against my mom now..no..i fully deserved to be punished.
No wonder we have a problem with unruly kids when parents are afraid to punish kids..there not meant to like it..thats why its called a punishment.
Mom of 4..20, 16, 15, 12. Great relationship with all my teenagers and they all appreciate why they were punished and are now thankful for it.

I know a foster carer who had a little boy who used to take sweets from the cupboard even though he got sweets during the day. He would even take sweets from the other people living in the home and even started taking biscuits and sweets from other members of the family whenever they went to visit them. He was completely binging and hiding the wrappers.

When the foster carer found out about this and tried to speak to him but he couldn’t/wouldn’t give a reason why he did this, so the foster carer would give him more proper food, but she never ever hid the sweets, she just let him eat thinking that would curb the cravings. It didn’t and when the social workers found out about how much sugar he was getting they weren’t very happy. They told her she should have “hidden” the sweets in a locked cupboard!!!!!

The poor foster carer got a right ribben from social services. I felt so sorry for her, because there must be a reason behind the taking of the food!

I think you might need to separate the two issues. The lying and the snacking.
The snacking is easily separated out by not buying that sort of food to have in the house.
The lying is not tolerable.

I say this as the once snack-stealing teen. Mum mum was obese throughout her life and with the best of intentions did what she thought was everything in her power to prevent it happening to me. As a result all food was controlled.

Dinner could have been a grilled chicken breast, veg and potatoes and every addition would be scrutinised. Every squeeze of mayo, every teaspoon of butter, every piece of cheese. There was no balance taught in our house. Everything that deviated from low fat low sugar was demonised.

Unfortunately there was also a real dichotomy in the house too where food was also treat and reward. So trips for ice cream, cakes at birthday parties or chocolates at Xmas were presented with fanfare and excitement.

The link quickly established itself that fun happy events coincided with treat food and as a result (in my opinion) treat food became something to hoard and steal because asking for it led to a no and a lecture about healthy food and being fat. In later life it became a food to binge on when unhappy.

This is only my experience of what food restriction did. I’m sure there are other factors at play too and you know your teen best.

I think you are very harsh, sorry. You’re acting like someone out of the 19th century.

FWIW I didn’t think you weren’t being completely unreasonable to use the party as a way to get her to change her behaviour. Children, whatever age, need to understand there are consequences to their actions when they misbehave. I think any consequences should just match the severity of the behaviour. And it sounds like you’ve handled things with her in another way since then, so I hope she sticks to what you’ve agreed and things get better

A girl I used to know had a DD who kept playing up, throwing tantrums, just generally being a little so and so and never doing as she was told! (younger than your DD). She warned her if she did it one more time then Santa wouldn’t bring her the bike she wanted for Christmas. Little girl played up yet again not long after. So on Christmas Day her mother handed her a “letter from Santa” telling her she wasn’t getting the bike because she’d been continuously naughty. And there was no bike. Her mother had literally refused to buy it because of her behaviour.

When you're 12 your 'inner chimp' wins more often than it loses.

Her brain hasn't developed the ability to resist temptation yet, but it will in time (at least to some extent). Her birthday is still her birthday, please don't punish her for being 12.

I think you know yourself OP that if you are feeling very hungry then fruit just doesn't cut it. Comfort eating after school is pretty universal I would say. My sister used to make herself piles of toast - and I mean piles! I used to take multiple packets of crisps from the cupboard and our Mum never said anything. We've all done it. I wouldn't be so rigid - girls have a tough time with weight issues. Some starve themselves at school because it is not "cool" to eat!! How crazy is that - but you just never know what pressures she is under. The stealing of the ipod thing does drive me crazy with my own daughter. I have friends who say they put all devices downstairs at night - if i did that my daughter would steal them back in a flash. I have to hide devices after a long battle to get them off her and even then she has got up in the night and found them. I think cancelling the birthday sleepover is harsh personally. Can you not ban the phone for a week or something?

Just read your update OP sounds like a great step forward.

I feel anxious just reading that and imagining living in a house where taking a few bisquits is in all seriousness called ‘stealing’. Imagine the turmoil she must be feeling whilst taking them- she wants them but is probably worried sick of repercussions and then is riddled with guilt and shame when ‘caught redhanded’. Three strikes and her birthday gets cancelled- can you not see that you are only upping anxiety levels in her (which might be the reason for taking the food in the first place). How is that ever going to achieve anything? What are you trying to achieve here, teach them healthy eating? By escalating like this if they fail?..
I would be worried if she is developing an unhealthy relationship with food- perhaps not an eating disorder yet but it’s a step towards that. I’ve been there myself. You upping the anxiety levels only makes things worse.
Seriously, step back and be kind to her. She’s not a thief. Do you want to find out what’s going on or just want to blindly and rigidly impose your rules? Sit down with her, hug her and tell her you love her. Tell her you overreacted and that it’s ok to take a few bisquits, not the end of the world. Reduce her anxiety instead of increasing it.

She’s nicked a few biscuits and her sisters chocs ( which she’s already been punished for ) and you want to cancel her birthday ?
I think you need to be less controlling and maybe this won’t happen anymore . she’s hardly nicking tenners from your purse to buy fags is she .YABU

I actually feel really sad for her

lurpack read your update so glad you managed to sort something out and had a calm chat with her, bloody kids drive us nuts !

I saw a nice idea, go to a pottery place everyone puts handprint on cookie jar to remind that food is for sharing, when it's empty you wait until next weekend to get more.

To all those saying don’t buy treats. Is it really necessary to punish everyone else in the family??

I’m lucky, I have a lockable room where anything I don’t want my kids to get, is locked away. I see no point in stopping everyone else having treats, it would be more of a punishment for the one person to have no treat while everyone else gets theirs.

I would simply stop buying choccy biscuits or crisps for a few weeks. Just offer fruit, nuts or veg sticks as snacks. I did this when my boys were squabbling over who had had most choccy bars. Their behaviour improved a lot without them.

Lying and steeling is wrong and I think you handled the stealing her sisters treats very well, but at that age if you had denied me the food and put it on a higher shelf I probably would have done the same as her.

She has hormones kicking off everywhere and may be doing this to assert her independence.

With all those hormones you will be having much bigger issues than this. Maybe pick your fights so you don’t end up fighting all the time in the next couple of years.

I don’t know you so can only judge from your post about treats and the iPad that you are very controlling. If you want to control her food that much, don’t buy them, although she will probably buy them out of pocket money as an independent FU.

There has to be an underlying issue causing this behaviour, I think puberty is hard enough without being sanctioned at every turn. You need your daughter to feel you are on her side so she doesn’t continue with deceitful behaviour. I completely agree with her having to replace anything she took from her siblings and feel this is a lesson well learned, however, food in her own home should not be seen as stealing, sure, asking is polite but why is she feeling the need to take in secret? Is she hungry, hormonal, comfort eating? This sounds a replica of my behaviour around the same age, we were only allowed sweets on a Saturday and things were hidden from us, this in turn led me to be secretive and I would take things and binge eat when I could. I became so obsessed with food I have subsequently suffered with eating disorders my whole adult life. I have a terrible relationship with food. I am not suggesting this will happen to your daughter but I am just saying maybe do not make ‘treats’ so unobtainable, if this can’t be relaxed then I would strongly suggest not having them as temptation in the house at all and make it a routine to go out together and choose a treat when it is appropriate. I wouldn’t say two biscuits before tea is unreasonable,especially for a girl of her age who is growing into a woman. Please don’t see everything in black and white as there could be an underlying issue, I wish you luck. In reply to your original question.. I would not embarrass my child by cancelling her birthday, this is something she would never forget and may make her feel that she can’t come to you.

YABU let her have but but punish her in other ways and buy in bread my DS is always hungry and toast seems to fill the ever widening gap!

Just remember you DD won't have many more birthdays you are big part of enjoy it while you can

Way over the top. The punishment does not for the crime. You're risking her never telling you anything problem wise in the future. Go ahead punish her, but don't bothering posting in a few years because she can't confide in you. So glad you're not my mum, but then again you are, just using a different name !!!!

Follow through. However - dispense with buying treats for a while. Keep the fruit going and see what happens

Stop buying rubbish food (biscuits, chocolate, sweets).