to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

Jesus!

If your biggest problems are your daughter eating too many biscuits and playing on the iPad you should count yourself lucky. When I was 12, the kids who had parents like that were usually the ones who went wild a few years later.

One girl I knew also had a mum who wouldn’t let her have any sweets, she ended up obese once she had her own income to buy whatever she wanted. Telling kids they can’t have something has a lasting effect.

My parents let me do and eat pretty much whatever I wanted and I turned out fine. There really is no harm in having a few treats and using the iPad.

Just wondering where she is in the family order? You keep saying none of the others do it. Is it because she is the oldest and wanting more autonomy? And in a year or two, the next one down will start pushing.

Hmm I don't know on one hand I don't like my kids eating to many sweets but my resolution to that is I just don't buy them,
also my aunt regularly told her kids off for eating out of set times and they had to ask for food to the point where they just constantly asked, my cousin aged 25 still asks if he can make sandwiches, get a drink etc it's not healthy at all.
Make less of a deal about food and treats. If you don't want her eating them don't bring them into the house it really easy the easiest way.

I haven't read the full thread because i find your attitude to parenting to be inflexible and unkind. I am quite upset for your children and your daughter specifically. You punish your child too easily and end up with exactly what you say you want to avoid. Nobody likes being controlled. Please let her make decisions...two biscuits before tea?? Big deal!. Poor, poor kid. She is the only one who does it, is scapegoating her. You sound like a bullying parent. And the people supporting you...!

Cancelling her party would be unforgiveable.

She could honestly remember this punishment for the rest of her life.

Tread carefully around girls (in particular) and food. It's a difficult balance, I know.

Like many on here, so it seems, there was a fucked up attitude towards food during my (70s/80s) upbringing.

We were NEVER allowed snacks, only meals. Everything was strictly controlled. My younger sister remembers feeling real hunger at times. All that happened was, we grew up craving food and are now overweight.

My own mum was bulimic, and used to send me to the shops for multiple bars of chocolate a day ... whilst swearing me to secrecy so that I wouldn't tell my dad (who to this day looks down on overweight people).

I remember having a childhood friend whose parents keep drawerfuls of 'treats' and the kids could help themselves at any time. They grew up being able to take or leave it, and genuinely weren't bothered by it. To this day, I would have to eat them until they were gone!

It honestly makes you wonder who had it right!

Is it possible that your DD is just really hungry after school, especially if also going through a growth spurt. My DC just could not survive on a piece of fruit between lunch time at school and tea time, especially if they are active and do extra curricular stuff. I find if they don’t have a snack then that’s when they start raiding the biscuit tin, in fact I do the same. So for us it’s something like wholemeal pitta and humous, olives, cheese and crackers or marmite toast as soon as we get in.

While I agree with you that lying and stealing from a sibling is not acceptable, I think you need to understand what is driving this behaviour and whether you are partly to blame. Freaking out because your 12 year old has a couple of biscuits is not healthy.

OP, can you start making healthy snack foods with DD? Flapjacks, different toppings for toast, date and walnut cake. The texture of the snacks may be important to her, as well as sweetness. Maybe have something handy for the mictowave as soon as she gets home from school.

Fwiw, I hated hidden food wrappers in the bedroom, and pointless fibbing. I never found a long-lasting solution for either.

INCREDIBLY harsh parenting OP. When I was 12 I was forever stealing chocolate biscuits, I blame hormones and sugar addiction! I am a morally sound adult. My mother would never have done something so cruel as cancel a birthday sleepover. What a huge and nasty overreaction. What happened to just a telling off?!

And also OP you may genuinely need to give her more food. I am a slim size 10 and eat LOADS, way more than my sister who is the same size. Some people have fast metabolism or just need more food. Have you got other snacks available?

I really think cancelling her party would be the nastiest thing to do. Please don’t do that to your daughter

OP i missed your update where you said you aren’t going to cancel the sleepover.

I still think you need to have a long think about why on Earth your first reaction was something so dramatic, over the top and nasty. You seem very overly controlling and high handed, almost authoritarian, as a parent.

It's biscuits. You are massively overreacting and making problems when there really is no need. You really, really need to pick your battles or you run the risk of encouraging full scale (and probably partly justified) rebellion from your dc. And I say this as a parent who seems to be much stricter than most.

I really dislike your use of the word 'stealing' in the first line to describe it when you talk about her getting snacks from the cupboard. She lives in your house, she's your daughter, don't make her sound like a criminal. You sound as if you resent her eating so much.

I would ask why she’s sneaking the treats. Certain hormonal conditions cause sugar cravings (PCOS is one and can manifest as young as after the first period; but endometriosis is another). She could be tired and the sugar keeps her going. She might not like your food and so is eating in advance, or she might be giving them to others as gifts. Basically at 12 you can no longer be authoritarian about a child’s food choices; they have to be responsible enough to make roughly the right choices as you aren’t around all the time. If she’s not you’re the one who has failed not her, so punish yourself!

If your DD was overweight I would understand where you're coming from, as you would have reason to be concerned. But she isn't, from what you're saying, she's a healthy weight. Therefore, the only concern really is that she has regular dental appointments and an overall healthy diet. She should ask first, because you obviously don't want her to have snacks just before her tea. You would answer, 'No, we're just about to have tea. You can have one afterwards.'

If she's really hungry, you could have tea earlier maybe, and possibly give her more healthy food? You do home cooking, so more of that might be the answer.

YABU. You’d be punishing her friends too, how is that fair? You need to punish her only. And tell her that the lying is the worst thing she’s done, you need to be able to trust her. Are you feeding her enough by the way? My kids of a similar age eat more than I do.

Op you make me feel sick and uneasy.

I don't think the OP is reading this anymore.

I totally understand your frustration.
I have 4 DC's (age 5 - 13) and fight a losing battle with them just gorging on food constantly.
BUT....you are punishing her way too hard. To cancel her sleepover?? Nooooo. That is OTT and not fair, and to be honest with you, she might not ever forgive you for that. She is at an awkward age and will want to impress her friends.
Cancelling her party and showing her up in front of her friends, just for nicking a couple of goodies, is very unfair.

She isn't cancelling the sleepover...

I think it's useful to allow natural consequences to help regulate behaviour whenever possible. So, for example, if she is allowed a Kit Kat in her lunch each day, but decides to take more... then she runs out and misses out the following day.

I don’t understand how it can be classed as stealing if they are treats in the home. Chill out a bit. I remember being ravenous after school at that age so would raid our treat cupboard for an applepie (mini) and packet of crisps before dinner. Ok, it wasn’t healthy and if Mum hasn’t bought them I might have opted for the fruit bowl.

I think pick your battles. Teach her about making heathy choices and make it easy for her - help her put the shopping list together and discuss menus and snacks. But don’t make it a big deal. We all need a treat at the end of a hard day.

I have a very healthy diet and attitude to food; those teenage snacks didn’t do me any harm.

Oh, and I also used to use my pocket money to buy snowballs on the way to school even though I had a lovey homemade breakfast at home 😊 don’t make it such s big deal that she feels she has to hide it from you.

Good luck

There is an easy solution to this, do not buy them in the first place so they are not in the house.
You do come across as very regimented and controlling, especially some of the words you are using. ' broken the rules ' etc. It is her home not an army camp or school.
Mine used to get a treat at the weekend, however once they are in Secondary school and if they pass shops on the way home it is not possible to control what treats they buy.

the only rule in our house in regards to 'snacks' is you cant eat them too close to a meal, and I do expect the courtesy of being asked, but the only reason I will say no is if dinner is within the next 30 minutes or so.

The food is there for them to eat freely, once its gone, its gone.

My bet is its hormonal, I've a terrible sweet tooth as it is, but the week before my period I would quite happily decimate Cadbury world.

My girls are 11 + 14, they are allowed to eat as and when they want.
Obviously we limit the "unhealthy/sugary" snacks {don't actually buy many} but if they fancy a biscuit, they have a biscuit, maybe even two.
I don't really see this as an issue?
The girls brush their teeth 3 times a day, we provide them healthy meals, we don't buy in loads of sugary/unhealthy snacks in the first place so if they want a wee chocolate digestive or two then I'm ok with that!
I think you are maybe being a little strict?