Should adult children pay ‘rent’ if living with parents?

[Twist89]

When I got a full time job and was living at home I was expected to give my parents money towards bills. Not a huge amount, and way less than I now spend in private renting.

But I’ve come across people who say their parents never made them do that, and others who say they don’t make their 20+ year old children pay anything. Some of these have kids living with them earning around £25k and they still pay nothing.

I find this quite shocking - AIBU?

Jayne she's going to be an utter nightmare for anyone else to live with, unless they also like doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc etc etc. I hope for everyone's saw she moves out and lives alone for long enough to appreciate and get to grips with looking after herself!

She can look after herself, but sadly I don't think she will ever move out (many varied reasons difficult to explain) to live with anyone else so it's not really relevant. For the record DS20 has already moved out and lives independently - and can cook, clean and shop

As pp's have pointed out everyone does things differently, and they are entitled too for whatever reasons they wish. Each family is different and has different circumstances.

These forum comments only provide a snapshot of a situation for other people to pass judgement on.

I paid a minimal amount when I lived at home, and I wouldn't call it rent, it's more a contribution of home running costs, which each adult should pay.

The problem with not charging rent is that they get used to a standard of living and expenditure not possible when they've actually moved out and have to pay private rent

I'd charge market rate for a houseshare, deduct expenses such as additional bills and food, and stick the rest in a savings account, possibly without telling them about the account, and give it to them when they finally move out

If, however, there was a special circumstance such as the child needing to live there due to being the parents carer, I'd judge the value of their labour to be equal to the value of the rent and adjust accordingly as it's not a matter of them simply refusing to move out

The problem with not charging rent is that they get used to a standard of living and expenditure not possible when they've actually moved out and have to pay private rent

I find this comment patronising as it seems to assume that 20 year olds are all like small children and have no idea how the world works. Many adult children over 20 would have lived away from home as students and would know the cost of living anyway. Even if they haven't I think that most people in their 20s would realise that it costs less to live with parents than on their own and many would save while they have the chance. If they squander every penny and don't save then I think there are bigger issues.

@Dungeon I made that comment because I'm in my mid 20s and have friends exactly as I have described. It's not all 20 somethings, but it appears to be a noticeable danger for those who have never left home

Obviously depends how well off the parents are. I paid no rent and saved a good sum for a deposit. My parents are well off with a number of rental properties. It would have been odd for them to charge rent.
Don't agree it is not really about how well off your parents are I think it is a life lesson to understand that an element of what you earn has to go on bills food etc. I think everyone whether living at home or not should contribute something to a household budget otherwise they will get one big shock when they leave home and have to start looking after themselves. I wouldn't necessarily call it rent more like household contribution. I get it is easier to save a deposit if you are not contributing anything but I personally would not have felt comfortable sponging that way when I was earning my own money

The problem with not paying a contribution to the household is that it is difficult to feel like a fully-fledged adult. Not a problem if it's a purely temporary thing, but if you're stuck there for longer because of a low paying job or a mild disability, it's not good.

I made that comment because I'm in my mid 20s and have friends exactly as I have described. It's not all 20 somethings, but it appears to be a noticeable danger for those who have never left home

If your friends are unable to save and are just frittering away all their money when they have no living expenses, then there are bigger issues. They should have learned to budget and save by now whether or not they are paying rent. Parents saving money for them really isn't going to help them become more independent. If anything it will make them even more infantilised.

Don't agree it is not really about how well off your parents are I think it is a life lesson to understand that an element of what you earn has to go on bills food etc.

Don't you think that people in their 20s should not need "life lessons" on understanding that bills and food cost money?! I would have thought that the majority of adults already realise that!
I lived with my parents for about a year in my 20s and they didn't charge me rent because they are very well off. I was a qualified health care professional with a lot of responsibilities, not a child who needed lessons in how much food and bills cost! I saved money because I was brought up by my parents to be careful with money and have always done that. I think it is a lesson that should be taught when children are actually children..

I would never charge my own children rent to live in their own home. My parents didn't, and their parents didn't when they were young (and they were certainly not well off). I would expect a contribution for bills and food, but not rent. It's up to them what they do with the rest - spend or save, they'll learn the consequences.

I lived at home for two years after uni, post-break-up with first serious boyfriend (we had been living together) and recovering from some serious mental health issues. I was incredibly grateful and knew how lucky I was. It meant I was able to temp rather than getting stuck in the first horrible job I got, and I was able to do an unpaid internship which eventually got me into the (very competitive) industry I'm still in now, 15 years later. I was able to pay off my student overdraft, and then save up for a deposit and some furniture for a house-share.

Re "by their twenties they should know" there's "knowing" intellectually and "knowing" experientially/emotionally.

We all "know" being a new parent involves sleepless nights, dirty nappies, crying baby, teething etc - but we don't REALLY know what it's like until we're doing it. Paying keep at home is a safe way of learning that making a contribution is fair.

We all "know" being a new parent involves sleepless nights, dirty nappies, crying baby, teething etc - but we don't REALLY know what it's like until we're doing it. Paying keep at home is a safe way of learning that making a contribution is fair.

But many people in their 20s will have already paid for food and bills. They haven't necessarily lived at home the whole time particularly if they have been students! Even if they have always lived at home, suggesting an adult in their 20s needs a "safe way to learn" that food and bills cost money is rather patronising. They are not children.

I don't think it is similar at all to the difference between knowing about sleepless nights intellectually and experiencing the reality but even if it was you wouldn't suggest that an adult needs a "safe place to learn" about sleepless nights would you?

But as students they're on a limited income usually. It can be overwhelming to suddenly be earning say £50k and seem like a lot of money and not need to budget.

In terms of parenting no there's no safe way to experience it before you are a parent, that's just not possible unfortunately. In the last people had a little more insight due to bigger families so having much younger siblings/cousins that you'd usually be expected to help with.

But there IS a way to safely learn this skill so why not give your children that gift?

But as students they're on a limited income usually. It can be overwhelming to suddenly be earning say £50k and seem like a lot of money and not need to budget.

Seriously?! You think a person who earns £50k a year needs a "safe place" to learn that food and bills cost money? Do you not think that the majority of people earning those sums would be in professional responsible jobs and quite capable of budgeting and paying other bills if they needed to?

In terms of parenting no there's no safe way to experience it before you are a parent, that's just not possible unfortunately. In the last people had a little more insight due to bigger families so having much younger siblings/cousins that you'd usually be expected to help with.

I am sure that it would be possible to let people experience sleep deprivation in a "safe way" if it was necessary but it isn't is it? What would it achieve?

But there IS a way to safely learn this skill so why not give your children that gift?

By all means charge rent if you want to but dressing it up as a "gift" to your adult child in their 20s is ridiculous.

There's a fair few other posters have said they have siblings, friends that are in good jobs on good salaries that aren't financially responsible and I've seen it myself. So no I don't think it's a huge stretch.

What would it achieve?

Bit of a derail and missing the point but if people could experience parenting before becoming a parent surely there'd be less abuse, neglect, poor parenting generally. It might even let someone learn they don't want to be a parent.

There's a fair few other posters have said they have siblings, friends that are in good jobs on good salaries that aren't financially responsible and I've seen it myself. So no I don't think it's a huge stretch.

Obviously, there are people who are financially irresponsible but if they are on 50k, I very much doubt that is because they haven't realised that food and rent cost money and charging them rent won't suddenly make them responsible. I think if someone on that kind of salary is frittering all their money away and have no savings even though they are not paying living expenses, then there are bigger issues at play. The great majority of adults in their 20s will be more than capable of budgeting and paying bills if on a reasonable salary even if they have never done it before and asserting that they all need "life lessons" from their parents as if they were small children is just patronising.

Bit of a derail and missing the point but if people could experience parenting before becoming a parent surely there'd be less abuse, neglect, poor parenting generally.

If that was true then parents of two or more children would be more likely to be better parents and less likely to abuse than parents of one child which isn't the case.

It might even let someone learn they don't want to be a parent.

Alternatively, it could put off people who would be very good parents. There is more to being a good parent than putting up with sleepless nights.

Came back to see how this thread turned out and am so glad to see that Dungeon had been talking sense and fighting the corner of every twenty-something with two brain cells to rub together! I am so glad I wasn’t infantilised to the extent of some of the PPs children so was mature enough to fly the nest and mange my own finances like the adult I am :D