Should adult children pay ‘rent’ if living with parents?

[Twist89]

When I got a full time job and was living at home I was expected to give my parents money towards bills. Not a huge amount, and way less than I now spend in private renting.

But I’ve come across people who say their parents never made them do that, and others who say they don’t make their 20+ year old children pay anything. Some of these have kids living with them earning around £25k and they still pay nothing.

I find this quite shocking - AIBU?

Graphista No I am not a “GF”. Yes she did work but she was happy for me to live at home (and yes she did the cooking and cleaning etc but then I was working very long hours and often not getting home until after midnight). She knew I wouldn’t be there forever and was saving for a deposit for a flat.

I’m not sure why you think it’s so extraordinary - I will always do what I can to help my children get on. I’m not going to charge them to live with their own mother.

Just because my family dynamic is different to yours I’m not sure why you need to be so rude about it .

And as for children “taking their home for granted” yes they jolly well should take their home for granted! My children will have a home with me if they want it (and one of them is disabled so they probably will) for the rest of their life.

I’d much rather see money in my children’s pocket (so long as they’re not squandering it) than in mine. Why is that so strange?

It's safer to say that if you teach children about money and responsibility, then they are more likely to move on knowing about it and being sensible.

Yes, but there is no evidence that those who are charged rent in their 20s will be better at budgeting and more independent later in life than those who aren't. Most adults will have learned about budgeting anyway by that age as students and it seems a little late to start "teaching" them to budget later on.

If you pay their way all the way, then some of them will expect that to continue and get a shock when it doesn't.

Again there is no evidence that there is a correlation. Some children who parents pay for everything go on to lead very successful lives with good jobs. Some children who's parents don't pay for a thing end up without a job and depend on the state.

I think it's your breathtaking level of entitlement that's so astonishing, Hedger. What you're doing for your own children is perfectly fine, and indeed hardly unusual, but it's your decision.
Demanding it of your own mother like a spoiled, footstamping brat is something else again. But your post describing it is full of "!!!"'s as if you feel you were being cutely adorable

My DD 22 pays £80 per month (earns min wage in a F/T position), she has no intention of moving out any time soon and has offered to increase what she pays a couple of times. In fact she mentioned it recently as there was something on tv about it and she agrees she should pay. I suggested she do a share of housework, washing and cooking etc and she could keep the £80, answer was definitely not. What she pays goes towards food, Netflix, Amazon Prime etc.

I don’t generally agree with taking money off your children if you don’t need it. Young adults starting out face a much harder future than our baby boomer parents did, and need all the savings they can achieve. Older children with good incomes who look like making living at home a long term thing and not aspiring to save for their own place should contribute from an ethical perspective by picking up certain bills, the food shopping, council tax etc to the extent of a very fair proportion.

For my family I had to contribute something as lack of child benefit and loss of the single person council tax discount had to be made up at least. If you can afford to let your grown up children keep living at home then it depends on what works for you. If they’re saving every penny and you want rid of them as soon as possible, you might prefer they keep their money! I did feel sorry for friends whose parents charged them the second they reached 16. They had part time jobs and wanted to keep on at school but it really discouraged them and they left to get jobs. Fair enough if their parents’ circumstances had changed, but they hadn’t, it was just a principle they had that over 16s had to pay rent.

If you use the electric, the phone/broadband, expect meals from the weekly food shop and you are earning I think it is important to learn the responsibility of paying your way, and while what they would contribute probably wouldn't cover the actual cost its the responsible attitude that is most important thing to gain from "paying your keep" as its called round here.

Well Hedger you worked hard and paid your own way except for paying any living expenses! Usually the single most expensive item in anyone's budget. Had I been earning £70k at that time of life I wouldn't have been living at my parents' place, that's for sure. I don't even earn anything approaching that now and have lived independently for 20 odd years.

I thought that a parent's role was to bring children up to stand on their own two feet. In my book that doesn't mean providing them with accommodation in your home for the rest of their lives. I fully understand that if an adult child has disabilities then living with his or her parents may be the best thing.

Wowfudge I live in London so it took me a couple of years living at home to save a deposit for a flat. If Mum had charged me rent (which she didn’t really need), it would probably have taken me another year or so. And why would either of us want that? That’s what parents are for isn’t it? To help out their children? I would love my children to be able to save for a deposit - it’s almost impossible for young adults to do these days without help. She couldn’t afford to help towards a deposit but at least she didn’t make it any harder for me by charging me rent.

I think it's totally fine for adult DC not to contribute if their parents can afford to support them with free housing. In today's economy housing costs far outstrip the average wage, and most young people have no hope of buying their own homes unless they have help in building up savings from their parents.

I see so many threads these days about grandparents not wanting to help out with looking after grandchildren or wanting reimbursement of any travel etc to do so (when they don’t need the money).

Or parents sitting back in their large house, retired, no mortgage, watching their adult children struggling to get by.

This whole charging for rent thing (when the money isn’t needed) is in a similar vein. I just find it strange that some parents aren’t willing to do more for their children, who have a much much tougher time of it financially than their generation did.

I would charge rent to adult working kids definitely. If I needed it I would put it towards the bills. If I was in the fortunate position of not needing it, I would put it in savings for them for when they were ready to move out.

Kids need to learn to budget, not to get used to having all their income as disposable income.

I wouldn’t expect rent from students though or adult children who were combining a low paid part time job with studying.

Doing a share of housework, washing and cooking shouldn't be optional! My 12 year old does that much!

I believe parents should raise their children to be independent adults. Living at your parents' house rent free on a salary of £70k is a very privileged position indeed and certainly not the norm. Lucky you.

As for grandparents providing childcare for their grandchildren - they've already brought up their own children. No one should expect them to do the same with their grandchildren.

Nice assumption that parents of adult children have a large house.

Wowfudge I would not call myself “privileged”. I didn’t get any handouts - just didn’t have to pay rent to live in my own home.

As a parent I WANT to help my children have as nice a life as possible. I WANT to help them. I don’t get parents who can sit back and watch their children struggle, knowing they are in a position to help. The generational difference in standards of living is immense.

Hopefully you know your own children and they should know your circumstances and your needs. I have two teenagers who will be in this scenario very soon. If both were like my oldest who is a saver then I would not charge but my DD is a spender so I will take money off both for an ISA that they would know about. I do not want them at home too long because I want them to be independent and have the freedom of that. My youngest is disabled so a completely different scenario. It is individual decision connected to your own family.

Hedger it was not your own home it was your parents Plenty of people lived and worked in London for years and years in shared crappy accommodation and still managed eventually to get deposits.

No problem with wanting to help children but expecting and assuming free childcare and rent/food etc as a VERY WEALTHY (70K ) adult is an insult. Generational differences, really on that wage you struggled to pay your way? I get your point about helping IF Possible but your position is so far removed from 99% of the populations experience.

Living freely as a top earner is a privilege, it is an entitlement you expected and got. Whether or not you pass it on is not the issue.

On that wage did you deduct anything at source to charities? Out if interest?

Cheerymom While I did not have a home of my own, my parents’ home WAS my home as far as I’m concerned.

Yes people live in crappy shared accommodation for years and eventually scrape a deposit together but why would my mother want me to do that? Why would she not want me to be able to afford my own place as quickly as possible?

I get by fine because I luckily got into the housing ladder in 2006 before things got complete crazy but I’m talking about the younger generation really - those in their twenties now. It’s SO hard for them to get by and afford a house, childcare, etc. If you can afford to help your children, why wouldn’t you? People my age and (especially) older had it a hell of a lot easier.

Not sure what charity has to do with it but yes I gave a bit to charity .

I believe parents should raise their children to be independent adults.

I think that everyone believes that. Not everyone believes that charging them rent does them some kind of service by "teaching" them to become independent adults. I would say that it doesn't make any difference. I hope that by that age my children have already learned to budget/save. If they haven't taking money from them and saving for them (as many suggest) is hardly going to improve their skills.

Doing a share of housework, washing and cooking shouldn't be optional! shock My 12 year old does that much! shock

That's nice but I prefer to do it myself as I am fussy, don't really like DH doing it either but he does all the cooking. DD will occasionally do the dishes, feed the dog and some of her own washing but that's about it.

Nah - they've got the rest of their lives to sorry about bills and stuff

Hedger I totally understand the point your making and FWIW totally agree with your comments.

So if you believe you are always obligated to provide a home for your child no matter what their age what do you do if you need to downsize?

"Well Hedger you worked hard and paid your own way except for paying any living expenses! Usually the single most expensive item in anyone's budget" exactly! You DIDN'T pay your way at all - not while you were living at home. AND you didn't do any housework or anything? And she was working too? How very very entitled and selfish of you - Your poor mum!

"I live in London" anyone else fed up seeing this excuse for cf behaviour? Plenty of people in London on far far lower incomes manage. (Not saying its easy but if you're on £70k not hard either!)

"it would probably have taken me another year or so. And why would either of us want that?" I can certainly see why your mother wouldn't!

"That’s what parents are for isn’t it? To help out their children?" NO they're people in their own right - not servants and providers of money!

"Wowfudge I would not call myself “privileged”. I didn’t get any handouts - just didn’t have to pay rent to live in my own home." Yes you were and yes you did! Just because there was no physical exchange doesn't make that any less true.

Hang on...you're saying you got on housing ladder in 2006 after 2 years of saving deposit living free and easy at your mums so you're roughly 35 now? Your children still quite young?

"Hedger I totally understand the point your making and FWIW totally agree with your comments." Wow does that mean 2 of you?! Or hopefully sarcasm?

Truly shocking level of entitlement.