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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should adult children pay ‘rent’ if living with parents?

341 replies

Twist89 · 23/04/2018 20:55

When I got a full time job and was living at home I was expected to give my parents money towards bills. Not a huge amount, and way less than I now spend in private renting.

But I’ve come across people who say their parents never made them do that, and others who say they don’t make their 20+ year old children pay anything. Some of these have kids living with them earning around £25k and they still pay nothing.

I find this quite shocking - AIBU?

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 25/04/2018 16:53

Both our daughters lived at home for a relatively short time after university. They were both working and offered rent/board etc and we asked for just enough to cover food/utilities but they were always pretty good at going out and buying food too. They used the time they were staying at home to save for house deposits but they had budgeting and savings skills drummed into them from their early teens so were pretty good with money. They had both saved enough to move out into their own places within a year or two, with our help.

We did not need the money and our mortgage was paid off by then so no way would we have taken rent off them.

Camomila · 25/04/2018 17:01

My DBro is 27 and lives at home. He has a good job and pays my parents £500pcm (and gets his laundry done and meals cooked!!)

Him and his mate looking for a place together but dragging their feet....as would I if my DM was still making me packed lunches and doing my washing :)

We've both lived at home when younger just after uni/between houses with no or rubbishy jobs and didn't have to contribute anything then.

Cultural difference though as I'm Italian and it's common to only move out for marriage or if you have to for work. I was seen as very independent for moving out (after uni houseshares) to live in a flat with now DH at just 24!

Graziass · 25/04/2018 17:14

I don't need the money. I have no mortgage and am happy for DS to live at home cheaply while he saves. Since he started working last September he has saved 80% of his income and invested it. Surely that's a better lesson than handing it to me to save for him?

Hedger · 25/04/2018 17:24

Expatinscotland I would hope that until my children can afford their own place I will always be able to offer a free home to them, living with me. If for whatever reason I can’t then that’s that really - but as long as I can then I will.

catinapoolofsunshine · 25/04/2018 17:41

Jayne she's going to be an utter nightmare for anyone else to live with, unless they also like doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc etc etc. I hope for everyone's saw she moves out and lives alone for long enough to appreciate and get to grips with looking after herself!

Gottagetmoving · 25/04/2018 17:58

It surprises me that people will criticise people on benefits and call them scroungers but they are perfectly ok with their adult children living for nothing in their home when they are earning money.
If they are earning they should be contributing to living costs, food, utilities and other bills.

Gottagetmoving · 25/04/2018 18:01

I’d much rather see money in my children’s pocket (so long as they’re not squandering it) than in mine. Why is that so strange?

It's strange because they are not children when they are grown and earning.
It's strange that you think it's more important they have money than you have it.
It's strange you don't want your children to be independent.

Graphista · 25/04/2018 18:02

Gottaget yes - couple of benefit bashing posts on this thread too

Hedger · 25/04/2018 18:11

Gottagetmoving I completely disagree. They will always be my children. I will always put my children before myself - it’s only natural. And I DO want them to be independent - hence they can save for a place of their own whilst living with me.

LynetteScavo · 25/04/2018 18:13

I wouldn't charge my adult children to stay living at home.

I'll no longer be paying out for music lessons and sports clubs and clothes and shoes etc. I will feel so rich Grin.

They can live here for as long as they want. I love having them here.

If they take out the recycling and buy their own Ben & Jerry's ice cream it will be a bonus.

Gottagetmoving · 25/04/2018 18:13

I will always put my children before myself - it’s only natural

It's natural when they are dependent. It's martyr behaviour when they are adult and capable.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 25/04/2018 18:20

It's martyr behaviour when they are adult and capable

strange you don't want your children to be independent

Is it only adult children living at home that need to pay their way? Millions of people as adults don't pay for themselves so why are adult children living in their parents home any different?

Hedger · 25/04/2018 18:20

Gottagetmoving I disagree. It’s natural to want your children to have a better life than you did. Of course I put them before myself. Nothing martyrish about it - it’s just biological!

And I know 100% that my mother puts me before herself.

TinkyWinky40 · 25/04/2018 18:26

YABU for assuming everyone should do the same as you.

In Asian culture you provide for your children until they marry as that is when they are no longer seen as your responsibility.

I know people who paid rent to their parents and it didn’t teach them financial responsibility at all and they still overspend. My siblings and I never paid rent at home but were encouraged to save for the future and spend wisely, only buying what we need.

I will do the same for my DC, ultimately it is each to their own and whatever works best for that family. How you are brought up clearly has a lot to do with how you feel about it from the sound of other posters.

KittyVonCatsworth · 25/04/2018 18:33

I never asked for rent from my DD. I wanted her to really enjoy the concept of work and play first. I did worryof course that she wouldn’t be able to pay bills or be organised but fair play to her, we got through some bumps but we got there.

She still has her nice things and has an active social life and pay her bills.

I was earning a lot at that time so probably did spoil her. I’m not earning now and sometimes I think she forgets that!

Ragwort · 25/04/2018 19:24

But what if your adult children aren't saving? Are those of you who don't charge 'board and lodging' genuinely happy to see your adult child spending everything they earn on clothes/social life etc? And taking for granted everything that you provide? Surely in that situation you would appreciate some sort of contribution even if it is just a gesture or do you really not care that they quite possibly have a lot more spending money that you do yourself?

That, in my opinion, is being a martyr.

Justanotherzombie · 25/04/2018 20:20

Ragwort, I think if your kids are using you and your home like that, the problem is with their values and started long before adulthood. Getting kids like that to pay won’t fix their attitudes I don’t think.

Gottagetmoving · 25/04/2018 20:51

Regardless of whether you charge your kids rent or board money, I don't think very much of an adult child who is earning and who is prepared to live off their parents.

zsazsajuju · 25/04/2018 21:23

I often wonder why people on mumsnet are so down on kids living with their parents yet women living off their husbands is fine. It’s weird. Either you have to be responsible for yourself always or you don’t.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 21:23

Regardless of whether you charge your kids rent or board money, I don't think very much of an adult child who is earning and who is prepared to live off their parents.

Do you also have opinion of adult children who accept money for house deposits, cars or anything else then? I don't see the difference. If parents want to give their adult children free board or money for any other reason and the parent can afford it why shouldn't they accept?

Graphista · 25/04/2018 21:33

"Regardless of whether you charge your kids rent or board money, I don't think very much of an adult child who is earning and who is prepared to live off their parents." Exactly, they are adults they should have the self respect and appreciation of their parents.

"yet women living off their husbands is fine." What? Where? Or is that a dig at sahm? Of course it is - who are NOT "living off their husbands" but providing childcare and running the home THEIR HUSBANDS AND CHILDREN share. Sometimes doing a damn site more too - thinking in particular of the recent thread where the op was treated like a bloody valet/waitress/cook and "warned" not to complain! These women are also putting their own careers on hold and VERY vulnerable in the event of relationship breakdown especially if not married. Ludicrous comment!

Gottagetmoving · 25/04/2018 22:17

Do you also have opinion of adult children who accept money for house deposits, cars or anything else then? I don't see the difference

A one off gift or a loan for something specific is different.
I'm talking about day to day running costs and supporting yourself when it comes to food etc.

PurpleParakeet · 25/04/2018 23:27

Coming to an agreement with adult children about the terms of their residency is a mutually respectful thing to do.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 23:48

A one off gift or a loan for something specific is different.

Surely that would depend on the value of the one-off gift. A child living at home for a couple of years may be able to save a few thousand that may be used for a house deposit in the future. Is that any different to a parent gifting a child a few thousand in one go? I don't think so.

Petitepamplemousse · 26/04/2018 00:08

Obviously depends how well off the parents are. I paid no rent and saved a good sum
for a deposit. My parents are well off with a number of rental properties. It would have been odd for them to charge rent.

I’m well aware of how lucky I am.