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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should adult children pay ‘rent’ if living with parents?

341 replies

Twist89 · 23/04/2018 20:55

When I got a full time job and was living at home I was expected to give my parents money towards bills. Not a huge amount, and way less than I now spend in private renting.

But I’ve come across people who say their parents never made them do that, and others who say they don’t make their 20+ year old children pay anything. Some of these have kids living with them earning around £25k and they still pay nothing.

I find this quite shocking - AIBU?

OP posts:
Graphista · 24/04/2018 23:23

Turkkadin - I suspect the same, or don't yet have DC.

Once they reach teens/twenties their and the parents beliefs can change - especially if they're acting in an entitled way taking that home for granted.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/04/2018 23:23

Funny, but not judgemental. I'll leave that to you

It's not judgemental to think it is patronising to save adult children's money for them or to think it ridiculous that you think that will teach them to budget. If they are so incapable of managing their finances without their parent getting involved then why would you assume that they would use the lump sum wisely?

ADarkandStormyKnight · 24/04/2018 23:32

Contribution to outgoings - yes.
Rent - no.

That might change in certain circumstances.

AtiaoftheJulii · 24/04/2018 23:45

I used to think the 'secret saving' thing was a good idea, but the more I think about it, the weirder it seems. Why not talk about it with the young person, look at local rents, and help them work out their own savings plan?

With the prospect potentially approaching of having an unemployed graduate dc at home, I can definitely say they will be contributing to the household, paying money towards food and other bills, doing chores etc.

I don't think we'd ask them for actual rent, but I'd want to see them saving money and being financially sensible, not spending everything and having a more extravagant lifestyle than me!

OliviaStabler · 24/04/2018 23:47

Yes they should pay towards their keep. Good life lesson

PlatypusPie · 24/04/2018 23:51

We have one left at home who is working hard and saving to fund a post graduate course next year. We don’t charge her anything, but she does buy a reasonable amount of groceries as and when and will occasionally treat me to the theatre or her father to a sporting event aShe doesn’t need teaching how to budget or about the cost of housing - she learnt to do that when she was away at university, though she was a bit taken aback when she saw how much our Council Tax was !

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/04/2018 23:56

Those who have adult children in their 30s and 40s still living at home - have you accepted that your adult children will never have a partner relationship with another adult? Are you expecting them to stay single for the rest of their lives, or would you expect their eventual partner (should they ever get one) to move in as well? Do you not see the weirdness here?

My MIL now has to "babysit" her oldest son (my BIL) because he has made such a fucking mess of his life that he cannot live alone in a house that MIL bought for him, because he's pissed off the neighbours so much they keep calling the police on him can't say I blame them but apparently it is now malicious as well
So MIL's way of dealing with that is to move in with BIL to prove that he's not doing what the neighbour says he is. Oh and he's quite happy with that because of course she's taken over doing everything for the feckless loser. He's 43. He's quite capable of working - but he never took a permanent job, because he "didn't want to". He worked short contracts, spent all his money then came back and leeched off his mother til she gave him enough money to fuck off away again - and this pattern carried on since he was in his early 20s. Chickens all in to roost now.

Graphista · 25/04/2018 00:52

I think there are possibly children in their 30's/40's living at home where it is dysfunctional. But that doesn't mean it always is.

In the friends I know in this situation it works for them. Sadly though for one a big reason she's never met anyone to be with is she can't have kids and she isn't eligible for adoption (serious health condition) she hasn't yet met anyone for whom this isn't an issue.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/04/2018 01:45

That is sad for your friend, Graphista, and yes I know there are situations where it is understandable. A friend of mine has a younger brother who is mid-30s who will probably never live away from home, but that's because he has some learning difficulties - and that's fine too. Ditto the poster upthread who mentioned their sister living with the aged parents, who looks after them - but they all probably come under the heading of "accepted that they will never have a partner relationship", I think.

Graphista · 25/04/2018 02:25

My friend is hopeful that as she gets a bit older she'll meet someone who already has children and doesn't want more or who is not bothered about having DC. But at the moment guys her age (late 30's) are mostly looking to start families. She was engaged to someone who initially was certain he didn't want children but then his niece was born and he adored her and he started to feel "broody". Heartbreaking for them both

PlumsGalore · 25/04/2018 04:37

DS started paying rent when he first graduated. We didn't need the money so I stopped taking it as long as he saved it for a house instead. He now has £14k deposit saved, and should have a sufficient deposit in another year for our area.

He is very generous with presents and paying for ad hoc things.

I am on the fence with this one.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 25/04/2018 06:55

I always though I would as a point of principle but ds (another between first degree and masters) has turned out to be a saver and sensible with money so it isn't necessary.

Sevendown · 25/04/2018 07:23

There are different scenarios here.

  1. parents who struggle with the loss of child benefit, child tax credit and housing benefit once a D.C. is no longer a child.

  2. students who get a lower loan because they live at home

  3. parents with big houses and no mortgage for whom there is little/no extra expense for the adult D.C. staying on

  4. a boomerang D.C. who moved back in to save up for their own mortgage

  5. cocklodger lazy self entitled brats who scrounge off their parents forever

Different scenarios = different solutions

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 25/04/2018 07:27

I think it does stop being their childhood home when they have to start paying for it as an adult. Of course they will have to pay rent in their own home but that's different. They are paying to the bank or LL then not subletting from mum and dad.

As for the question does it make for an entitled generation of people expecting others to pay? It would be interesting to sss if all those that paid board have a work ethic and are in employment and the ones that didn't if they are living off a partner or the state. Somehow I doubt it. A work ethic comes from morals and role models not paying board.

Mousefunky · 25/04/2018 07:31

My best friend is in his late twenties, still living at home with his DM and pays fuck all. He buys his own food but that’s it. He earns 80k a year. Alright for some I say.

I will charge my DC when they’re 18 if they’re still living with me.

falang · 25/04/2018 08:17

What if it's not their childhood home? What if you've moved when they are in their late teens then they return to live with you after uni? Is it ok to charge them then SmileSmile

Turkkadin · 25/04/2018 08:44

If a woman had posted on here about meeting a grown man who still lived with his parents and paid nothing towards his keep whilst having meals cooked and washing done the OP would be told to ditch the cock lodging manchild pronto.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 08:53

I think there are possibly children in their 30's/40's living at home where it is dysfunctional. But that doesn't mean it always is.

I agree. I can think of at least four people who lived with their parents until their parents died. I have no idea what the financial or domestic arrangements were when the adult children were younger but certainly when they were middle-aged and the parents were elderly the relationship with the parents had reversed to some extent. The adult children were in no way immature or dependent and seemed to be looking after the parents rather than the other way around.

MrsJayy · 25/04/2018 09:11

I can't get past The principle upset me Shock I think that is the brattist thing I have ever read on mumsnet

Mumto2two · 25/04/2018 09:54

Very much depends on family circumstances. Our eldest daughter works part time and runs her own car, but is also studying hard for A levels and will be off to uni this autumn. We would certainly not consider charging her rent, as we know she has enough outgoings as it is, and has plenty of budgeting experience with that!
After uni, we would be doing whatever we could to enable her to plan for the next phase...getting on the property ladder etc. Although she may decide she doesn’t want to live at home by that stage, it will be her choice. I know someone whose child has just started working at 18, and they immediately slapped on a sizeable rent charge. When he protested that he wanted to be able to save...the answer was like it or lump it..you can always live elsewhere. They do have a dysfunctional relationship with their kids though, so this is not unusual.

lovemylover · 25/04/2018 10:05

Depends on the parents situation, my children have always paid towards food and household bills,
One of them recently came back to live with me for a few months,it made a huge difference to utility bills especially, he paid me £200 a month, if not i would be in debt with bills now
Anyone who can afford not to charge towards household expenses is lucky, but i think it helps the children realise that bills and food need to be paid for,otherwise they are going to get a real shock when they have their own home,it teaches them to be responsible with money

Popc0rn · 25/04/2018 10:08

I moved home from renting just over 3 years ago, I was a student nurse at the time and have been qualified for 2 years now. I've saved over half my income every month since I moved home. I offered to pay something when I first moved home and when I qualified, but my dad refused to take any money from me, and told me to save it for a deposit instead. I now have nearly £20000 and will be starting to look at houses soon Smile.

It does kinda amuse me when some of my friends comment about me not paying anything...the ones whose parents/in laws gave them lump sums of £10,000-£30,000 towards their house deposits Hmm.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 10:23

Anyone who can afford not to charge towards household expenses is lucky, but i think it helps the children realise that bills and food need to be paid for,otherwise they are going to get a real shock when they have their own home,it teaches them to be responsible with money

So you think that the children of parents who don't charge will be shocked when they find out that bills and food have to be paid for and incapable of being responsible with money?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/04/2018 10:52

Dungeon - that's a bit black and white thinking, isn't it. It's not one or the other in absolute terms. Some will be able to deal with the realities of adulthood, as has been shown on this thread, and others will get a shock, as has also been shown on this thread.

It's safer to say that if you teach children about money and responsibility, then they are more likely to move on knowing about it and being sensible. If you pay their way all the way, then some of them will expect that to continue and get a shock when it doesn't. There are no absolutes.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 25/04/2018 11:04

When my DD becomes 18 my daughter income will drop by approx £300,so if coarse if she was working I would expect her to help pay for running the house.I think she would expect to as well.
She would get free board between school and uni so that she can get some savings behind her and I have savings and child trust fund to help but as for a deposit for a house!!As an only child she knows she gets everything I have when I'm gone,upto then I need it.

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