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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should adult children pay ‘rent’ if living with parents?

341 replies

Twist89 · 23/04/2018 20:55

When I got a full time job and was living at home I was expected to give my parents money towards bills. Not a huge amount, and way less than I now spend in private renting.

But I’ve come across people who say their parents never made them do that, and others who say they don’t make their 20+ year old children pay anything. Some of these have kids living with them earning around £25k and they still pay nothing.

I find this quite shocking - AIBU?

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 24/04/2018 20:30

I will charge rent when my kids are older.

I will save the rent they pay then gift it back to them for a house deposit.

Teaches them about budgeting with a benefit

Dungeondragon15 · 24/04/2018 21:01

I find it quite funny that all these people are going to charge rent and then give their children money for a house deposit to teach them how to budget. I would hope my children have learned that long before they are in their 20s. By that age, I think they should be able to organise their own finances and it is patronising to save money for them as if they are little children who aren't capable of running their own lives. If they aren't sensible with money to the extent that you have to take it from them and save it to stop them frittering it away, what makes you think they will use it for a house deposit when you give them a lump sump?

Idontdowindows · 24/04/2018 21:18

For some of us it was never about teaching them how to budget.

It was about a) people contributing to the household they were in, and on a completely separate level a nice unexpected gift to start them off in their independent life.

Hedger · 24/04/2018 22:11

I don’t think it’s right - unless you’re utterly broke and need the money. When I lived at home for a couple of years in my 20s I was on about £70k and my Mum did broach the subject but I said the principle of it really upset me so she didn’t push it. This really makes me sound a brat, doesn’t it...

Anyway, it meant I saved enough for a deposit after 2 years and bought my own flat.

I’d never charge my children - they can live with me as long as they live (one of them probably will to be honest) and I won’t take a bean off them. What I might do though is insist that the money they would otherwise be paying in rent go into a savings account for them to buy a house.

Tansie1 · 24/04/2018 22:11

Read half, skipped to the end.(Has everyone else, 230 posts in? 😊).

IMO, earning, adult DC pay their way. Nothing like flat rental costs. But yes, expenses. This was brought home to me in about 1990 when I 'came home' aged 28, for 6 months, cos I knew my dad wanted me to, to discover, when I asked my mum what 'rent' she wanted, and she didn't know- then discovered my SAHB (30) paid £10 a week- so I offered £40... because otherwise that's taking the piss.

We don't do our adult DC favours by paying for everything forever.

As my DB's current attitude to money, aged 58, will attest...

Tansie1 · 24/04/2018 22:13

Hedger just ... wow! On that income you thought the suggestion that you might act like a grown up and pay your way upset you?...

Genuinely hope your DC don't feel that entitled.

ButchyRestingFace · 24/04/2018 22:19

I don’t think it’s right - unless you’re utterly broke and need the money. When I lived at home for a couple of years in my 20s I was on about £70k and my Mum did broach the subject but I said the principle of it really upset me so she didn’t push it. This really makes me sound a brat, doesn’t it...

I'm sorry, I think I'm hallucinating. Shock

Are you saying that your objected to your mother raising the subject of you paying rent when you were earning £70k pa?

I said upthread that if the parents are mortgage free and don't need the money, I can well see that they would prefer their offspring to save towards a house rather than pay rent.

However, the above... !!!

Hedger · 24/04/2018 22:25

Tansie1 That’s just it - I think children ARE entitled to live at home! It’s not really a home anymore if you have to pay rent, is it? That’s how I feel anyway.

I mean, I wasn’t a wastrel lying around eating Mum out of house and home playing video games all day - I was working hard and saving for a deposit. I personally wouldn’t mind one bit if my children did that - and I don’t need paying to have them. They’re my children and my casa is their casa (or whatever the saying is). For life.

ButchyRestingFace · 24/04/2018 22:29

Tansie1 That’s just it - I think children ARE entitled to live at home! It’s not really a home anymore if you have to pay rent, is it? That’s how I feel anyway.

So, if the parents' house is rented, what is it if not their "home"?

Should they not have to pay rent either, and just get the house for free, otherwise it wouldn't be their "home"?

LynseyLou1982 · 24/04/2018 22:30

When I still lived at home and got my first job I was expected to pay board. I was never given an option not to. My mum knew when payday was and if I didn't give her it when payday arrived I knew about it with a stern reminder. My first job I was part time earning about 5k a year and I was paying £80 a month, went up to £130 when I went full time. However, my parents aren't well off at all and I couldn't live at home whilst earning and not contribute and I wouldn't expect to.

Hedger · 24/04/2018 22:30

Honestly if my children were millionaires I wouldn’t charge them (unless I really needed the money). I just think we choose to have our children and it’s our job to provide a home for them for as long as they want it. We’re their parents and I want them to know they always have a safe place to go and will always be looked after by me if they want to come home.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 24/04/2018 22:31

The principle of it upset you Hmm. She should have immediately put you out on your arse, Hedger

Idontdowindows · 24/04/2018 22:33

I think children ARE entitled to live at home!

Yeah, but adults get to make their own way in life.

Hedger · 24/04/2018 22:33

Butchyrestingface No - I don’t think it’s the same thing.

ButchyRestingFace · 24/04/2018 22:38

The principle of it upset you hmm. She should have immediately put you out on your arse, Hedger

She maybe thought foregoing rent from her £70k earning offspring for a couple of years was a small price for getting the shameless madam out of the house as soon as poss. Grin

With that attitude, it's hard to imagine Hedger was running herself ragged around the house with the brush and shovel giving it "no mama, you sit down and put your feet up. I'll take care of the house".

ButchyRestingFace · 24/04/2018 22:38

Butchyrestingface No - I don’t think it’s the same thing.

What's the difference?

Tistheseason17 · 24/04/2018 22:39

@Dungeondragon15
Funny, but not judgemental. I'll leave that to you 🤣🤣

Hedger · 24/04/2018 22:40

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Of course she wouldn’t she’s my mother! The whole conversation was said in a jokey way - I didn’t railroad her. And she liked having me at home - just as I would like having my children at home.

I’m her daughter, not a lodger.

Lollipop30 · 24/04/2018 22:40

We will charge rent but it’ll all go into savings for them.

Lollipop30 · 24/04/2018 22:42

I agree with Hedger. Our door will always be open.

Graphista · 24/04/2018 22:48

DM article fairly shit as per - starting with the misleading headline. And I think most millenials are the children of generation X rather than baby boomers - I'm Gen X and my parents (almost 70) are baby boomers. But the definitions of those terms is disputed I know. But it means the impression given is that few parents NEED their children to contribute - that's not my experience at all, very few of my friends could afford for their children to make NO contribution and the ones I know that can afford that had very wealthy parents and grandparents themselves and benefitted as a result - in a variety of ways, access to better education, influence re uni and jobs, inheritances etc

But I see some of the comments by the parents similar to on this thread 'the rent barely covers the cost of their food'

The girl with almost £1800 still to herself every month struggling to save for deposit/holiday - how??!!!! That's around 50% more than my total household income! What the hell holidays is she looking at?! Then says she's only £300 left after rent, car, gym and phone am I wrong wondering wtf she's paying for her car gym and phone?

Don't even get me started on the entitled wee boy paying only £100 out of a "generous" salary - begrudging it and delaying/excusing every month! If I was his parents it'd be pay up ON TIME without attitude or move out - and in an area where private rents are 10x as much he doesn't know what side his breads buttered! For a lad I'd bet that barely covers 2 weeks food!

That said the girls sharing a room I think are paying over what's reasonable. An adult should have their own room if they're paying a contribution.

Notso - you're right of course, but contributing financially is certainly one way of getting them to acknowledge they have to appreciate the support they get. Dd also keeps her room clean and tidy, does her own laundry and the hoovering (I'm disabled and this is a particularly difficult task for me).

Her best friend has a mum with a similar outlook to mine but other friends she's been known to challenge them on their entitled attitudes and lack of contribution at home. One is second youngest of 5 and frankly gets away with murder! Whilst the eldest sibling is expected to do loads. Dd and I think she's in for a rude awakening when she leaves home. Even her room is a complete tip - as in things growing! Dd won't go in it. But her parents treat her more like a 10 year old than a soon to be 18 year old. (Don't even get me started on how she talks to her mum 🙄).

To those who were treated differently and unfairly by their parents re siblings I'm so sorry - that is of course completely unacceptable. My siblings and I didn't pay the same amount but the percentage of our wage was the same I thought that fair.

"This may be seen as contentious, (not meant to be) but this thread does throw some light on how cocklodgers (and their female equivalent) come into being." Yes myself and others have noted this too

"There is no "too old" as long as everyone is happy with the situation Lloyd45." I'd agree with this, change of mind for me. But also as long as there's a healthy relationship and things are equal in other ways too. I have a couple of friends one 30's one 40's still living with parents but they operate financially more like co-tenants and the parents' health isn't great so the "children" support them with this. It works for them that's what matters. If it were "parents living with adult children" it wouldn't be seen negatively.

"I'm good at budgeting..., they gave me the deposit to buy a small flat" Erm is there a discrepancy there? Had you not saved a deposit yourself?

I returned to uni as a mature student when a Lp to Dd. Some of the younger (under 25) ones were absolutely clueless! Both financially and practically. Didn't know how to budget, plan a grocery shop, operate a washing machine, cook even basic food (I'm talking pasta, scrambled eggs - not cordon bleu). The ones who were left to get on with it by parents soon learned, the ones bailed out - didn't learn, used parents money to get takeaways most nights, pay other students to eg do their laundry, even clean their rooms!

I made my own dinner from 16 too, don't see a problem with that at all. If they're old enough to have sex, leave school, get married etc why not? In my case I was at college some distance away so was eating a couple hours later than rest of family and sometimes I chose to go out to eat with friends straight from college or went to boyfriends parents. It gave me some freedom without my mums time being wasted and food being wasted. I'd also sometimes cook for the whole family at weekends and during school holidays. Dd has been cooking since about 11/12 she loves it (though leaves a hell of a mess - she's a uses every item type cook 😂)

Hedger seriously? A you took the piss, B how did it take you two years to save a deposit on that salary living at home for free?? I'd have kicked you out!

"It’s not really a home anymore if you have to pay rent, is it? That’s how I feel anyway." Fuck me! So the MILLIONS of people paying rent/mortgage - is their home not their home then? Do you have children? Perfect example of entitled attitude.

Hedger · 24/04/2018 22:57

Graphista No no no no, I mean “home home” as in your parents’ home. If you’re an adult and paying rent or mortgage on your own home that’s in your name, of course it’s still a home!

I’m not talking of home in the sense of bricks and mortar as such but more a safe place where your parents live and where you will always be safe and looked after. “Home home”! (None of that probably makes any sense does it?!)

I’m not actually entitled - I think that’s probably why Mum didn’t really mind at all. I’ve always worked hard - even at college and uni had a Saturday/holiday job, paid for my own car, livery for my (part-loaned) horse, etc. I’m honestly not spoilt or entitled at all - I’ve worked hard for everything I’ve got - just didn’t pay rent to live at home.

falang · 24/04/2018 22:58

It wouldn't matter how rich I was my children would always have been expected to contribute to bills, food etc if they'd lived at home. My mum didn't have much money and I always had to pay more than half my wages to her when I started work. Resented it at the time but understand why now.

Turkkadin · 24/04/2018 23:11

I'm wondering if a fair few of the posters on this thread still have fairly young children? It's hard to imagine your little kids all grown up, eating you out of house and home and not so cute anymore.
I just can't for the life of me understand why anyone would think adults should be allowed to live anywhere for free. Also I don't understand why they would expect to be handed any money they had paid back for a house deposit? Why parents want to be lifelong slaves to adult offspring is perplexing. I certainly don't. My daughter left for uni at 18 and has always managed to look after herself rather well since. She doesn't want me treating her as if she is in a perpetual childlike state.
Everyone to their own though. We are all different and entitled to do what we think us right.

Graphista · 24/04/2018 23:22

No it doesn't make sense - why would ANY of that mean you don't contribute to that home as a full grown capable adult on a bloody good salary?

You also say about "working hard" did you mother work? Even if she didn't work outside the home do you value what she did at home? Did you contribute practically at home? Cook, clean, organise, provide support?

Quite honestly beginning to think you're a GF