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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 23/04/2018 15:38

If you're not able to drive over 65 MPH you really shouldn't be driving at all

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2018 15:38

X post with Bluntness

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 15:38

On the A roads and motorways in this area it is extremely rare to see anyone who doesn't speed. Normally me and 1 or 2 other drivers going at or under the limit.

The main road near my house is a single carriageway 30mph. Normal busy residential road. I drive at 29. At least once a week someone overtakes me doing about 40. Speeding seems to be expected rather than the exception.

I need to think about what to do. I had to cancel a previous meet due to illness, so I'd rather not cancel this one. The venue was agreed by the others, I foolishly assumed I'd car share with friend who lives nearish me. In hindsight I should have checked that first.

My preferred option would be to have someone in the car with me. I will speak to DP to see if he is willing to do something else while I'm with friends. As it's a 45 min journey each way it's not worth him going back home for an hour or so.

If he's not then I will need to either drop out or suggest another venue. We've not paid a deposit so there's no cost involved in changing. But appreciate friends may prefer not to go elsewhere. In which case I won't go.

OP posts:
MachineBee · 23/04/2018 15:40

If someone cuts you up you apply the brake. You don’t suddenly zoom ahead. Be a passive driver. That doesn’t mean crawling along on a motorway at 25 mph, it means slowing down to let people in and resuming your preferred speed when you can maintain a safe distance from the vehicle in front.

Storminateapot · 23/04/2018 15:40

You seem quite determined to take him because motorway. Obviously you are determined not to do that drive on your own as you are throwing obstacles in the way of every suggestion.

Options are:

Tell everyone you're too scared to drive there and don't go

Tell everyone you're too scared to drive there and suggest an alternative venue which you will drive to

Take your DH but he amuses himself while you're having tea

Take your DH in to tea with you like a total sap and ruin the afternoon for everyone

I'd go option 3 if you really can't screw up your courage to drive. Do black boxes limit speed to 65 in a 70 limit? My daughter has one and I don't think it does that. If you speed with a black box (she has inadvertently done it once) your score goes down for that quarter, but your insurance isn't invalidated. Not advocating speeding obviously - it's not necessary even if you stay in the slow lane, I'm not quite sure why you think you will have to speed to drive safely.

Is it the M25? It's a lot less busy on Sundays although I agree it's not great fun to drive on and is daunting if you're nervous. I've rarely managed to get up to 70 on there when it's busy anyway - more like crawling around a huge circular car park than anything.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2018 15:41

Out of interest, what difference will having someone in the car with you make? I think it would make me more nervous, not less

And forget what everyone eslse is doing, get on the road, drive at the appropriate speed you are comfortable with, get off. What everyone else chooses to do in other lanes is none of your concern (apart from when you are manoevering, checking distances etc) but really, stop making excuses and do it. You will feel great afterwards

Also, you know that motorways are the safest roads to drive on don't you?

PlausibleSuit · 23/04/2018 15:42

Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

This is one of those crunch-time moments. If you give in to your fear, you'll always remember it as the time you let worry win. And you won't like it.

If you don't, you'll always remember it as the time you stood up to the incessant voice in your head and beat that demon.

Beat the demon, OP. There's even cake at the other end. This is the universe sending you a sign to get on that bloody motorway with the other drivers, most of whom loathe it as much as you do but just get on with it.

And yes, other drivers can be shit; getting used to that and learning how to drive defensively is what builds confidence, in the end.

Loonoon · 23/04/2018 15:43

I agree with most PPs. Better not to go than to go with DP. It would comoleltly change the dynamic - if people wanted OHs there they wouldn't have arranged a girls do.

But if you decline because you are scared to drive it was pretty pointless learning to drive in the first place. Your motorway sounds scary (I'm guessing the M25 or similar big city orbital) and you are right to be cautious, but all new things are scary at first. It's only by experience that you work through that fear.

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 15:43

I don't drive over 65 because of my insurance, I will get penalised if I break the speed limit. Anyone with a black box does the same!

I did bring him to something a while back when I didn't drive. I couldn't have got there otherwise. I do have a friend though who always used to bring her then DP to things and we used to moan about it. So it's that I had in mind. She is now married to someone else who doesn't much like us and therefore never comes to any event even if other partners are there but that's another story...

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2018 15:45

motorways are diff on a sunday

leave early and take your time

think of it as an A road and use slow lane only

DO NOT TAKE HUBBY

unless he will sit in the car/go to cafe etc

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 15:45

but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along

How many other times have you brought him along?

OakIsBetterTho · 23/04/2018 15:46

Another vote for 'definitely do not bring your DP' I'd be so pissed off with you if you did that!
Honestly, you'll need to drive on a motorway on your own sooner or later, so why not make it now? You're over complicating things for no good reason. Everyone else on the motorway did it on their own once upon a time!

Grandadwasthatyou · 23/04/2018 15:46

Op..what most of the posters here are in agreement with is that your DP wouldn't be truly welcome at a girls meet up. You may well be told otherwise by your girlfriends but be assured behind your back they would be saying what the posters here have said.

You can't have the same type of conversation with a man present in an all female group and wouldn't your DP feel awkward being there anyway? ( despite what you said about him getting on well with them in general).

Surely if he cares for you that much he will say he will gladly take you and read in the car, catch up with paperwork, anything really to while away the time.

Trinity66 · 23/04/2018 15:47

How does it take 45mins to drive 25miles though? I don't get that?

OakIsBetterTho · 23/04/2018 15:47

everyone else on the motorway did it on their own for the first time* once upon a time

Missed a bit!

MirriVan · 23/04/2018 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Storminateapot · 23/04/2018 15:47

Is the speed limit 65 on motorways now?

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 15:47

You dont have to drive at 65 but you have to be within the limit. As the calibration in cars is always a few mph out the sensible advice is to stick just below, that way you never risk going over and incurring penalties. Insurance cos administer their black boxes differently but many will refuse to renew or without a serious increase in premiums if you speed. They can also cancel your policy for speeding too.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 23/04/2018 15:48

There’s only one way to boost your confidence, and that’s to keep getting out and putting yourself out there again and again and again. Finding ways around things and out of things will just keep reenforcing your idea that you can’t do it.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 15:48

Just seen that you brought him once before... and another friend always brought her DP.

So you know how irritating it is.

I think despite what everyone has said you'll take him.

Then your next thread will be

'Friends went out and didn't invite me

Take heed.

LaContessaDiPlump · 23/04/2018 15:49

OP, you have explained the roads at great length and we sympathise. It doesn't change the fact that your DP will not be particularly welcome at the tea (no matter how polite your friends are about it). Please don't take him to the actual tea.

Excited101 · 23/04/2018 15:49

For the record, this is why I won’t get a black box. It’s a totally unnecessary limitation on how you handle the car, and another thing to worry about when you should be focusing on the road.

RoseWhiteTips · 23/04/2018 15:50

Can’t he do something else in his own while you are with your friends? You really cannot take him along, for goodness’ sake.

steff13 · 23/04/2018 15:51

I don't know what a black box is, but it sounds like a nuisance. Get rid of it.

I agree with the others, the only way to get comfortable with driving is to drive. Leave early and just to it.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2018 15:52

Speedometers are calibrated the other way. You are actually going slower than you think you are. So if you are going quite a bit under the speed limit on your speedomeeter, you will be considerably under the speed limit in reality.

But like I say, forget all that. Drive at an appropriate speed you are comfortable with while you get your confidence up, in the correct lane and don't worry about what others are doing in the other lanes.

You have a lot of excuses, but you just need to get on with it!

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