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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
RiceBaby · 24/04/2018 09:02

The point about people cutting in, I can't exceed the speed limit. So whilst other drivers could move into the other lanes hammering along at over 70, I can't because I don't drive over 65. So all I can do is slow down to reduce my speed.

FGS, this is overly dramatic.* Just drive at 70 when overtaking, then nip back in to inside lane. Why are you creating a fantasy where this is impossible, OP? The rest of us have driven on motorways, you know. We know what they're like. It's true that some people hammer along at over 70. This simply means that you shouldn't sit in the outside lane doing 70.* It doesn't stop you overtaking/pulling into the outside lane when the coast is clear (which is what you'd have to wait for anyway for safe driving).

The black box thing is clearly hindering your driving.* Your insurance premiums will halve next year, after a year of driving.* Get rid of the box then.

I find women like you to be an embarrassment to the rest of us.** Just bite the bullet and drive the car, like everyone else.

RiceBaby · 24/04/2018 09:03

Bold fail

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 24/04/2018 09:04

I have said that at £50+ each way I can't afford a cab.

I'm also not prepared to do a 5 hour round trip train journey.

I have been beeped daily on town roads. You are constantly round here if you're driving at 29 rather than 35 in a 30mph zone. Or last week because I was doing 20 in a 20. But I know in those situations I have done nothing wrong. I'm confident enough in my driving to know I haven't made a mistake and the other driver is being a complete cock. And if I do make a mistake, go the wrong way, feel worried or something, I can quicky and easily find a place to pull over (I've only done this once or twice when I very first passed) Unlike on a motorway.

OP posts:
FarmingFeeding · 24/04/2018 09:10

My DH is not an ignorant bully. He is realistic. Sometimes it’s actually not that beneficial to have someone pandering to your every worry.

How long since you passed your test, OP? And did you read my previous message about how you would cope if your regular journey got diverted due to an unexpected cause/accident, onto a road you’re scared of? What would you do?

coffeeforone · 24/04/2018 09:13

I'm also not prepared to do a 5 hour round trip train journey.

You can get there by train in 2.5 hours? I’d do that. My daily commute it almost 2 hours (so 4 hours total). Would definitely do a 5 hour round trip as a one off at a weekend if I didn’t want to drive for whatever reason (or because I wanted a drink!) 😊

MarthasGinYard · 24/04/2018 09:17

'Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.'

Honestly I wouldn't go. The amount of energy you will spend, and have already spent dissecting every possible scenario.

If I were you I'd really give it a miss.

confuddledroz · 24/04/2018 09:17

2.5hour train journey for a place that is only 25miles away??

MargaretCavendish · 24/04/2018 09:20

2.5hour train journey for a place that is only 25miles away??

If there isn't a direct train that's perfectly plausible. It takes me 45 minutes to drive to work, but it would take nearly three hours by train because I would have to change multiple times and wait for connections at each place. The UK rail network is basically pretty good at getting people from other places into central London and other big hubs, but rubbish if you want to go between two outer towns.

BitchQueen90 · 24/04/2018 09:20

To be honest I think if you know your limits you have to be prepared to do things that might be a bit of a pain to be honest.

I can't drive at all. If my friends made an arrangement to meet somewhere that would take me a 5 hour round trip on the train I'd either have to just suck it up and do that or not go at all. It's nobody else's fault that I can't drive and I wouldn't expect everyone to make arrangements just to suit me. Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices. If you're limited with your driving then you'll have to make some kind of sacrifice either way.

Loonoon · 24/04/2018 09:25

You have a lot of rules OP. You won't do this, you're not prepared to do that. That's fair enough but if you aren't prepared to be flexible or compromise or leave your comfort zone you will sometimes end up missing out on things - as you are now discovering.

You asked would you be unreasonable to bring your DH - nearly everyone said you would be. You asked what would other people do and people have told you and you don't want to do what they suggest. So now you have to pull up those big girl pants and decide for yourself. Whatever you decide won't be perfect, someone will be let down or frightened or inconvenienced or out of pocket but that's life.

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/04/2018 09:28

To be honest OP I really wouldn’t go. All this angst and worry just to go to an afternoon tea which are usually overpriced and definitely not worth all this stress.

Make yourself a sandwich and buy a cake from Greg’s Bakery and enjoy your own cheaper and tastier Afternoon Tea from the comfort of the sofa Grin

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 24/04/2018 09:32

You are not going to gain confidence by refusing to drive on the motorway. Sorry if you think it’s harsh but it is pathetic you’d rather not go than have your DP in the car with you. Nothing of what you’ve said after has made me think otherwise.

Stay on the inside lane, leave lots of space. Tbh this is a perfect opportunity for you to gain confidence and experience - driving on a Sunday day time.

And you’re unreasonable to take your DP. I wouldn’t give up my Sunday to keep you company on a drive.

snewname · 24/04/2018 09:36

I've said before that I think black boxes are actually quite dangerous as the new driver has to keep taking their eyes of the road to check their speed all the time.

I think the op has accepted her options, but I agree that it's a bit strange that dp would rather gatecrash a girly tea than amuse himself. It's a bit different to enjoying their company when he's actually invited. Perhaps you are under selling him op. He might be happy to spend time in their company but might appreciate that it isn't appropriate himself.

mrsheathy85 · 24/04/2018 09:38

farming has a point...

OP what would you do if you were ever diverted another route due to an accident that you weren't comfortable with? There's going to be times when your going to need to drive on roads you don't like!!

bearbehind · 24/04/2018 09:51

I find it most peculiar that the OP continues to reel off the things she won’t do but hasn’t said how she’s going to resolve this situation

00100001 · 24/04/2018 09:52

... What a non fucking thread from OP

OP wants company in a car..... what’s so unreasonable about that situation that OP needed to start a thread about it... seeing as she had already decided that if he wouldn’t go in the car, she won’t go at all.

Where’s the AIBU??

MarthasGinYard · 24/04/2018 09:53

Binary

Quite

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 24/04/2018 10:10

It's quite unlikely a diversion would take me from a normal town road onto a motorway I think. Surely it normally works the other way round? Smile

I do drive on the dual carriageway around home too. I did say that in my OP I think? It's unlikely but just about possible I might get diverted onto one of them but if I did, it wouldn't be an issue.

A pp mentioned that what happened to me was unusual with the car almost cutting into my lane. It really isn't. I have been on this motorway (M25) as a passenger several times and seen similar, my DP said it's happened either to him or he's seen it in the road ahead many times. He tends to keep his speed up and keep out of the way but as I can't drive over the speed limit (due to the black box - or telematics to give it it's proper name, plus I can't afford to get points for speeding either) and regardless the only way my car would do 80 is downhill with a following wind, I have to stick to the inside lane.

The public transport journey time is 3 trains, a Tube and a bus (or a 30 min walk), as it involves a much longer way round than the motorway.

OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 24/04/2018 10:10

I am going to go back to the alternative route suggestion...
You say that the only alternative is on busy big A road that is almost as bad, but please check other alternatives.
There are always many other options to the m25 and main artery roads in and out of London.
I always find them to avoid traffic jams, nice regular suburban roads through towns and villages I didn't know existed.

Yes, it will add a few miles and a few minutes to your journey, but it would solve the problem - you can get there relaxed and alone.

Enjoy your tea with your mates BrewCake

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 24/04/2018 10:10

I think it would be a bit inappropriate to bring your partner if none of the rest are - really changes the dynamic. As far as the driving goes, everything is scary until you try and there has to be a first time. Get your big girl pants on and get it done! You'll have a lot more freedom if you can drive in varied conditions on any road and your confidence will only build if you keep on trying.

bumpertobumper · 24/04/2018 10:11

PS I suggest the waze app for finding good routes

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 24/04/2018 10:12

I have already said several times what I'm planning to do. I said that yesterday. Unfortunately it's been lost among all the posters queuing up to tell me how unreasonable I am to be worried about driving on a motorway.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 24/04/2018 10:15

Part of becoming a good driver OP is being able to read the road and anticipate other drivers. You will only learn to do that by driving on the motorway.

And I would say the M25 is the best place for that as it’s consistently busy with loads of lanes.

And as I said before, once you’ve been driving for longer and are more used to it these incidents that are literally causing you to change your plans won’t even register past a moment of annoyance.

MorrisZapp · 24/04/2018 10:17

I wouldn't drive on a motorway and I hate being a passenger on a motorway. I'm willing to suck it up when unavoidable, but I'd rather spend £££ and get the train and arrive relaxed than put myself through the anxiety of a long motorway journey.

I'm old enough now to only do things I want to. Anything stressful or unpleasant I simply avoid if I can.

bumpertobumper · 24/04/2018 10:17

I did see your plan, and sorry to keep on with another suggestion. But you haven't updated whether DP is up for hanging around etc, and it seems a shame for you to miss out so I just wanted you to reconsider finding another route as that may make it possible....
Didn't mean to badger you, you've had way too much of that Thanks