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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 23/04/2018 15:21

Please don’t bring him. A friend of ours did exactly this, bring her DH to a girly meet up last year. It was really annoying. I used to be a nervous driver too but the only reason I’m not anymore is because I bit the bullet and did the things I was worried about doing. Otherwise you’ll never overcome it and will be one of those annoying needy parents who need running around by their adult children.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 15:21

OP... do you really think it's acceptable to bring him to the meet up? Really?

Surely you understand how this would change the whole event. If he will do anything for you...then he can sit in the car or drive around and explore..otherwise don't go.

Everyone is telling you YABU but you don't seem to get it.

Options:

  1. Ask for a change in location
  2. Don't go
  3. Go with DP on the drive and he doesn't go to the afternoon tea

Taking him for the actual meet up should not be an option.

Mumblechum0 · 23/04/2018 15:21

Don’t take him, as others have said 25 miles on a motorway is 20 mins, you’ll be there before you know it!

Hogtini · 23/04/2018 15:21

*driver you

MachineBee · 23/04/2018 15:21

I get that you’re nervous about driving on this particular motorway, but really the only way to sort this is to do it. The more you tell yourself it’s difficult the more you’ll convince yourself it is.

Tips I was given by a police driver are:

  • when overtaking on the motorway, wait until you can see the vehicle you’ve overtaken in both your rear view mirror and your side mirror before indicating and moving back into the lane
  • when approaching a junction where there are cars joining the motorway from the slip lane, move away from the inside lane to the middle lane in advance to allow them space to join and when you’ve either passed them or they’ve passed you, move back into inside lane.
  • and whilst you may always check your mirrors and then indicate, before moving out of your lane, remember others won’t always, so be guided by their position on the road, speed and general demeanour to give you extra clues.

Good luck - you can do this.

TroubledLichen · 23/04/2018 15:23

You mentioned a friend that lives your way but that she had plans in the morning and can’t lift share there. If your DH drove you there but went straight home after dropping you, could you maybe ask her for a lift home?

But if you can’t make this work, either because you won’t do the drive, or because your DH will insist on joining you if he gives you a lift (which is rather bizarre, most men I know would rather chew off their own arm than join a ladies afternoon tea catch up), then you should apologise to your friends and cancel. And next time when you are all making plans don’t agree to something you can’t actually get to. And take some motorway lessons with a driving instructor.

kissthealderman · 23/04/2018 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 15:24

The point about people cutting in, I can't exceed the speed limit. So whilst other drivers could move into the other lanes hammering along at over 70, I can't because I don't drive over 65. So all I can do is slow down to reduce my speed.

Friend who has errands to run can't give me a lift there or back. So that isn't an option.

Motorway lessons I can't arrange before this meet up unfortunately due to my work schedule. I will consider them when I have more time.

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/04/2018 15:26

Are you sure you should have a licence? Surely if you can drive, you can drive no matter what the road. Never worry about other people. Just drive the way you were taught. What would you do if you were single? Just say no to going because of a motorway? Don't ever let a fear of anything stop you doing stuff in life. Honestly, life's too short for that attitude.

Kochicoo · 23/04/2018 15:26

I think you've had your answer. Totally sympathise about you not wanting to face the drive but you can't take your DP to a girlie afternoon tea. Doesn't matter how awful you keep saying the drive is, I'm afraid nobody is going to give you the answer you really want which is that it's ok to take DP! If, as you say, he'll do what makes you happy, he'll totally understand that you can't take him to a girlie afternoon but you really need his help getting there.

MissDuke · 23/04/2018 15:26

OP what are you going to do then? It does feel like you are not open to suggestions, were you hoping everyone would say you were not being unreasonable?

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 15:27

The only way of avoiding the motorway adds about 15 miles and half an hour to the journey and involves a very very busy 3 and 4 lane A road which is about as bad as the motorway. There isn't any other route than that.

You seem like an extremely nervous driver. These also sound like the roads from hell, which I've never come across in driving for almost 3 decades.

Don't be that person who can't comprehend a girl's meet up is just that. Honestly... I'd avoid future outings with you if you brought your DP along.

MissDuke · 23/04/2018 15:27

Oh and just to add, I have been driving for a long time and don't speed on motorways ever so not being able to speed isn't really relevant!

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 15:29

were you hoping everyone would say you were not being unreasonable

That's the impression I get.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2018 15:30

Well if he has the car he can go off and do something else and come back and get you. He doesn't need to come to the event. I'd happy drop my husband off and vice versa and go do some shopping or something and come back and get them.

You do sound like your making a boat load of excuses to have him there, I'm sorry.

MargaretCavendish · 23/04/2018 15:30

I'm sorry, but you should essentially consider yourself a non-driver (and therefore only agree to things that you can get to by public transport) if you're going to just refuse to go on certain roads. It's outrageously unreasonable to want to change the dynamic of the whole event so that you don't have to drive alone. Your friends might say it's ok if you put them on the spot, but their eyes will be rolling out of their heads! Surely the unanimity on this thread tells you something?

Ginger1982 · 23/04/2018 15:30

Then slow down when people want to move into your lane. It's not that hard!

coffeeforone · 23/04/2018 15:31

I'd get your DP to drop you off if you need to but definitely don't take him in with you!

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2018 15:32

What day of the week was the near miss? And your tea is Sunday?

Because motorways on a Sunday are totally different to motorways during the week. You only get the odd lorry instead of every other vehicle being one, you are not subjected to rep-mobiles driving like complete arseholes. It really is a completely different experience to weekday driving.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2018 15:32

I agree, if you can't drive on motorways and multi-lane roads, you may as well say you don't drive.

Come on, just get on with it. The longer you put it off, the worse it will be. And there's cake at the end to calm your nerves.

You will feel like QUEEN OF THE WORLD when you've done it!

SomewhereInbetween1 · 23/04/2018 15:33

Lots of motorways have lots of junctions and lots of lanes turning into routes to leave the carriageway. You shouldn't refuse events because you don't like one particular section of a road, everyone has places they hate driving, but needs must. Just be sensible and safe as it sounds like you are, and you'll be fine. You can't control anyone elses driving, so just make sure that you're doing just fine.

TroubledLichen · 23/04/2018 15:33

You do sound like your making a boat load of excuses to have him there

^this

Butterymuffin · 23/04/2018 15:35

Another one saying JUST DO IT. Think of something else you did when you were scared but you did it anyway and it was fine. That's how this will be.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2018 15:36

I'm curious though, you say you don't want to be the person who always brings their partner along. The word "always" is unusual. Do you have previous for this? Bringining him to girlfriend meet ups?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2018 15:37

It sounds like despite what everyone’s saying, you’re still considering taking him to the meet up. And you didn’t answer, but the “always” in your OP makes me think you’ve done it before and that’s why you think it might be okay.

I’d be very pissed if a friend did this. And I’d judge the partner as it would seem like he didn’t want her out of his sight. Which is sinister.

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