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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Tryagaintomorrow · 23/04/2018 14:43

Like others say, don’t take him. Girl chat just isn’t the same with a boy there Wink

Someone made a great suggestion about doing some tests runs!

Or have you checked about avoiding motorways to get there? It might take a bit longer but at least you will be less anxious.

It is right that you do need to try and be brave, usually it’s the merging off and on that people are worried about.
As long as you give yourself plenty of time to get in your lane it’s really not that bad, just don’t forget to breathe :)

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:47

I can assure you this particular motorway is a lot harder than local roads. If it was easy I wouldn't have a problem doing the journey. There are loads of people undertaking, cutting in front, not letting people change lanes or coming right up behind you etc. It's far from an enjoyable experience (I do enjoy driving round town locally, so it's not like I hate driving).

It's about a 45 min journey by car. Public transport would be a massive ballache and with Sunday services etc would take well over 2 hours.

It feels a bit rude to ask DP to come with me in the car but not to the meetup That said I understand I couldn't just turn up with DP. And I don't want to put friends in the position of having to say yes when they would rather DP wasn't there.

OP posts:
Time40 · 23/04/2018 14:48

Drive it in advance a couple of times with your partner, then you'll know what to expect and you will be able to do it alone on the day.

MirandaWest · 23/04/2018 14:50

Is it somewhere where your DP could amuse himself for a few hours?

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:51

There isn't a way of getting there that would avoid the motorway really. And due to work commitments it would be difficult to set aside 2 hours to do a practice run beforehand. Plus I don't feel that would help. I have driven on part of this motorway before and hated it (and that was with DP/ other friend in the car with me). Someone changing lanes without looking and therefore without having seen my car and coming within seconds of hitting me last time probably hasn't helped.

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 23/04/2018 14:51

I understand, but honestly, you just need to man up. Motorways are busy. Drive sensibly and calmly. Nobody actually loves driving on busy motorways. You will feel a lot better if you face your fear and act like an adult. Big girl panties time Thanks

Glad to see that you have noted that you can't take him to the event actual, I really think you shouldn't make him waste the whole time you are there either.

Tryagaintomorrow · 23/04/2018 14:52

Or maybe DP could take a friend, leave them in the/a bar/pub and collect them on way back?

Luckingfovely · 23/04/2018 14:52

Okay, I got that a near miss would make you nervous - but that was all it was.

Clearly you are an alert driver - trust yourself that you can do this.

kissthealderman · 23/04/2018 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 23/04/2018 14:55

Surely, your DP doesn't actually want to join the girls afternoon tea, does he?

TotHappy · 23/04/2018 14:56

Just stay in the inside lane doing 60 all the way, with a good distance between you and whatever's in front. If you're nervous, minimise any manoeuvres such as lane changes etc.

Frosty66612 · 23/04/2018 14:56

I think you just need to give it a go. Could you collect a friend on the way whose going too? It might relax you a bit with someone else with you for the journey. I don’t think taking DP is a good idea unless at least one other person is also taking theirs.

SendintheArdwolves · 23/04/2018 14:57

I understand how you feel OP - I'm an unconfident driver and motorways scare the bejaysus out of me. But:

It is not appropriate to bring your DP along.

So your options are:

  1. gather your courage and drive by yourself
  2. find something for him to do for a few hours while you see your friends

I KNOW that what you really want to hear is a rousing chorus of "Just bring your DP, your friends won't mind, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me, ask them, they'll say it's fine, don't worry, etc" but that isn't the case - and you KNOW this because otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

Caribou58 · 23/04/2018 15:00

I'd be really annoyed if a woman friend brought her partner to a women friends' meet-up. Really annoyed.

MacaroniPenguin · 23/04/2018 15:00

Would he drive with you, then take the car off somewhere for a couple of hours? Mine would develop a sudden passion for swimming or need to visit a lawnmower shop or something.

Not something you'd want to make a habit of but ok as a one off I think.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 15:01

You can have him on the drive, then he can make himself scarce.

It's not fair to have him crash the afternoon tea. It just changes the dynamics...so yes YABU.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 23/04/2018 15:01

Either drive yourself or don't go.

jessicasmummy04 · 23/04/2018 15:02

I avoided the M25 for 5 years because i was anxious about motorway driving then one day i decided to book me and my DD a night away at legoland forcing me to do the drive... it was fine and i dont know what i was worried about for all that time!

I completely understand how you are feeling but i think JUST DO IT...

bizzers · 23/04/2018 15:02

Please don't take your DH along with you, there is nothing more annoying than a partner turning up to a girly get-together!

Ginger1982 · 23/04/2018 15:03

So you've driven it before with him and still hated it so him being there this time isn't really going to change much, is it? You will only get more confident at these things if you do them.

theunsure · 23/04/2018 15:03

There must be another way to get there surely avoiding the motorway? I avoid driving on the motorway - not because it makes me nervous but because I have an electric car and I get better range if I use roads that allow for re-gen braking.

I'm sure you can use a sat nav to find a route that avoids most, if not all, motorway. If not then it really is time to just get on with it as others have said. Leave plenty of time, drive the route the day before if you can as practice and then just take a deep breath and suck it up.

I used to be like this about all journeys to different places when I was younger, now I don;'t give it a second thought, you just have to get on with it and with time your confidence will improve.

MirriVan · 23/04/2018 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlatypusPie · 23/04/2018 15:05

Could he go with you and then go for a bracing walk / mooch around the shops /visit to fascinating local museum/ cinema/afternoon tea in another venue/sit and read book in car then fall asleep with mouth open ? Don’t take him to the gathering, though.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 15:06

The motorway can't be that bad surely. I think you should invest in motorway driving lessons if you're so anxious about it.

Don't ask your friends if you can take him. You might not get an honest answer, and they'll likely be annoyed with you.

I agree. I'd be ticked off if a friend did this.

If my friend asked... I wouldn't be able to say no...but I'd back out of the event.

amusedbush · 23/04/2018 15:06

Don't take him to the meet up. Don't ask if you can bring him either because your friends will feel obliged to say yes.

Last time I organised a long overdue catch up with a friend, I travelled over an hour and when I got there she'd brought her husband and toddler. I was incredibly pissed off and that was before her husband ordered me the wrong drink, then stomped off to change it when I brought it up