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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
blossomy · 23/04/2018 20:46

Cars underestimate your speed, not over. So if you stick to 65 on the speedo you'll actually be doing 62 and annoying all the lorries.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2018 20:55

The problem is OP, that altho you have taken lot of the satellite advice given, you haven't taken the main piece of advice, which is to just man up drive on the motorway. Only taking this advice will now be enough for people who think driving is easy and anyone who finds it terrifying is a sap.

Personally, i think the advice to just go for it is terrible. Posters have no idea how anxious you are and only you can judge that. After having lots of similar advice i drove at 70 on dual carriageway. The result was a full on panic attack where i couldn't feel my feet or hands and felt faint and my vision went blurry. It was really dangerous. Only I knew how frightened i was and i was swayed by people saying things like have been said on this thread.

If you have decided you cannot face driving then that's fine. You can take motorway lessons at your own pace. If, as you say, you really are that scared then don't risk it. Only you can decide this. Posters are forgetting the advice you wanted was should you take your DH to this event. The answer was no. The other advice of just driving yourself is unsolicited - as you have already ruled that out.

Just because you ask for advice doesn't mean you have to take it. No matter how much it infuriates others.

Plumsofwrath · 23/04/2018 21:02

So much grief over afternoon tea! Go, don’t go - it’s just meeting your friends. It shouldn’t have to create so much anxiety!

LaurieF · 23/04/2018 21:05

Be brave! Stick them big girl pants on, pull them up tight and get on that motorway. I hate motorways, bloody hate the evil things but I do drive on them... and the feeling of satisclfaction I get afterwards is fab :) it's more the thought of it than the actual doing! You can do this! Sending hand holds and brave thoughts x

WhiteBobbles · 23/04/2018 21:08

It would be quite rude to turn up with your husband to an afternoon tea with the girls. It's not what was arranged and isn't fair on the others to impose your husband on them. It's not about them getting on, but you know that. Get him to drop you off if you really can't manage the drive.

ZenNudist · 23/04/2018 21:09

It sounds like youve made this into quite a big thing in your head and youve convinced yourself that you can't do it. I totally get it and really sympathize because when I had a panic attack on the motorway it took me very very long time to get back into m-way driving. I really wish I'd worked on it though and tried to get my confidence up rather than taking the easy way out and letting DH drive me everywhere. I often used the excuse that I want a drink to get lifts.

I did actually use rescue Remedy in the car which calmed me down quite a bit. I don't need it anymore but I still have chewing gum to hand and I like to have a bottle of water.

I think your idea to drive there with your husband is a good idea if it's become such a big deal to you that you really can't do it alone. The one advantage to having somebody with you is that if you really freak out then they can take over.

ZenNudist · 23/04/2018 21:10

Also why don't you just ask your friend if it's ok be comes along? Say that he's driving you because you're getting experience of driving on motorway and that he will lay low in the car if they'd rather he didn't come and join the group. Only you know your circle of Friends and your hubby and how much this will ruin the dynamic.

WhiteBobbles · 23/04/2018 21:14

@ZenNudist because the OP knows she will be putting her friends on the spot and they'll find it difficult to say no then bitch about her behind her back and stop inviting her to enjoyable events.

Limoncell0 · 23/04/2018 21:15

Why don't you just get an Uber?

Don't take your DP to afternoon tea with your girlfriends. It will ruin it for everyone.

myrtleWilson · 23/04/2018 21:16

Hi OP - you mentioned that you didn't have the time (c 2 hours I think you said) to do a practice run with your DH. But could you not do a few shorter practice runs - you said that the multiple junctions caused anxiety so would it work to join motorway, drive for 2 junctions, come off and do reverse journey. This could be as short as 15mins each way and perhaps if you did this a few times before the afternoon tea it would boost your confidence (or confirm that you need your DH to drop you off)

MrsKoala · 23/04/2018 21:21

I will also suggest OP that if your dh does drive you you don't mention it to your friends. They may feel obligated to say bring him along. Or one person may say it and then all the rest have to grin and bear it. I'd fudge over it and if pushed saying he's looking forward to his 2 hour car wank Wink

FleurDelacoeur · 23/04/2018 21:21

the fact that your DP appears potentially unable to sit in the car and read a book or listen to the radio for 3 hours

But why SHOULD he? We could all sit in a car and listen to the radio for 3 hours but it;s hardly top of my list of ways to pass a fun Sunday afternoon! I know what I'd be saying to my DH if he asked me to accompany him in the car because he didn't want to go on his own, then sit in the car until it was time to go home again. It would be two words and the second would be off. It's an outrageous thing to ask, especially when the OP has a driving licence and a car and could drive - she just doesn't fancy it.

KERALA1 · 23/04/2018 21:22

I have a similar block about driving on the other side. God this thread reminded me of when I attempted to drive the wrong way up a duel carriageway in America. Luckily the roads were empty and a trucker kindly blocked the road so I could reverse back into the side road I had come out of. Known as "the time mummy said fuck" by the DC who we in the back.

Pluckedpencil · 23/04/2018 21:23

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ZenNudist · 23/04/2018 21:23

Whitebobbles I know its not ideal and I certainly wouldnt bring dh to an afternoon tea or leave him sat in the car, each option is equally shitty BUT OP has massive anxiety issues over driving. Getting a lift with dh one way and friend coming back is a better idea but still leaves the dh driving for 90mins just to give her a lift. Also not fun.

MrsKoala · 23/04/2018 21:26

Really Fleur? I can't imagine saying no (or dh saying no) if i were completely free that day. I'm assuming the OP has no kids in which case their time is pretty much their own. Would people really not care about their partner (or anyone - i'd give up an afternoon for a most people i know to do something like this) enough to give up a few hours and spend them idly reading/watching a film/snoozing. In fact i'd rather do that than the afternoon tea! It sounds like my idea of a pretty good afternoon tbh. (I do admit my standards have been dramatically lowered by having small children Grin )

BlondeB83 · 23/04/2018 21:26

Just get in the car and drive! You’ll be fine!

dragonwarrior · 23/04/2018 21:36

Being brutally honest it is probably better that you don't drive on the motorway because nervous drivers do mad stuff like brake sharply for nothing rather than just take their foot of the accelerator for a bit and that does cause accidents.

Also it is either a really busy at all times motorway like Heathrow and you crawl past or it is one where people speed constantly - you describe it as both at the same time and it just is not possible....I know this from years of experience of driving

flubdub · 23/04/2018 21:40

No motorway is fun. None of them. The motorway you speak of won't be a million times worse to drive on than any other.
How long have you had your licence for?

I don't really understand your issue of only being able to drive 65mph. There are plenty of
cars/lorries doing 60mph and less, on the motorway. People just go round them. People will just go round you.

I would just do it. You'll be proud of yourself when you've done it. Or get your partner to drive, and start googling for things to entertain him while you're having a nice afternoon. There will be something.

Why not make a night of it and book a B&B for the night for you both.

FleurDelacoeur · 23/04/2018 21:46

I would give up my afternoon for my partner for good reason. He would for me.

But a good reason isn't "I don't like driving a short distance on a motorway".

greenlynx · 23/04/2018 21:49

I don't drive so often have similar problem. At first I went by public transport ( if possible) , then we bought a car and my DH dropped me off and then went somewhere ( think big B&Q) or just stayed with his laptop on the car, sometimes I didn't go.
He never joins me and my friends for tea. He knows them well , it just doesn't look appropriate even when another friend actually brings her DH.
I'm learning to drive at the moment before people will start commenting.
I don't think it's strange that you are not comfortable with driving this particular route and your DH agrees to take you. I think it's nice and caring. I'm sure you will become more confident driver and will return him a favour taking him somewhere!

MrsKoala · 23/04/2018 21:58

Is your time so precious Fleur? If i wasn't doing anything and my partner asked 'just because they didn't like it' then i'd do it. He asks me to help him do his hobby and stand around for hours marshalling. I do it happily. He offered to take a day off work to drive me to a funeral because i don't like driving. I can't imagine being so strict on how valid their request was. If it would help them out then why not? All seems a bit mean spirited to me.

flubdub · 23/04/2018 22:07

"My preferred option would be to have someone in the car with me. I will speak to DP to see if he is willing to do something else while I'm with friends. As it's a 45 min journey each way it's not worth him going back home for an hour or so.
If he's not then I will need to either drop out or suggest another venue. We've not paid a deposit so there's no cost involved in changing. But appreciate friends may prefer not to go elsewhere. In which case I won't go*. "

You're REALLY overthinking this.

2andcountingtodate · 23/04/2018 22:16

The m25 can be an arsehole but driving it is the only way passed your fear. Saying that i think your idea of lessons is better. Ive seen several near misses due to very nervous driving, not as much as over confidence or oblivious but enough.

coffeeforone · 23/04/2018 22:21

The motorway I'm talking about is one friends from other parts of the country tell me they would hate using regularly - despite themselves being experienced motorway drivers. So I don't think I'm bring overly neurotic tbh.

The M25? Most experienced drivers don’t like it because it’s so busy and often tailbacks/crawling traffic, and inexperienced drivers probably because there are so many junctions, so people tend to move lanes/join and leave more often.

Is It that literally the only way to get there? If you really wanted to avoid the M25 is there not another possible route?