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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
LovelySouffle · 23/04/2018 17:25

Can't he sit on his arse in a pub/cinema/library for a couple of hours?

SickofThomasTheTank · 23/04/2018 17:26

@Trinity66 Totally agree! Motorways are so much easier

MsPavlichenko · 23/04/2018 17:26

Do in any case.

ZenNudist · 23/04/2018 17:27

Youre getting some quite harsh comments here OP. You seem quite young is that right? I am sympathetic. I used to be a very nervous motorway driver and had some panic attacks on the motorway before now. Which then put me off driving even more. Even now I'm not super keen on driving somewhere that I don't know the road system. It's not so much the motorway as the city centre Four Lane roundabout that would put me off. That and getting stuck in a one way system that means I'd never get back to where I need to go.

However I found the only way to deal with this problem is by actually driving. Putting myself in uncomfortable situations has meant that I can drive a bit further afield.

I have the example of my mother who won't drive on motorways. I see how limiting it is for her. She won't drive to see her grandchildren my son's without my dad or my brother. Or she has to get a train which takes forever and makes an easy journey a PITA.

As I don't want to be in her shoes I tend to try and as a result I have about a 3 hour range of places that I will go and then I deal with the problem of driving in busy city centres by being very prepared and check route beforehand.

So do you have a problem once you get to your destination or is it literally the motorway that is causing you some issues? Because you can sit in the Slow Lane and do 65 if that's what you want to do. As long as you're not driving illegally slowly then I wouldn't worry too much about the other cars.

Be aware though that if you're doing 65 it's quite likely that you're actually doing 62. Why don't you at least do 70. You might find that cars overtake you less if you're keeping up with the flow of traffic. I'd be surprised if you can do much more than 65 anyway in the Slow Lane of a busy motorway. And if the black box is making you such a nervous driver I really do suggest that you find a different insurance provider and remove it.

I think having a lovely helpful dh who will drive you around or accompany you is enabling your fear.

Take it from someone who has been there. The only way youre going to get over your nerves is practice. And no theres never going to be convenient times to do practice runs and lessons. Life gets in the way. Learn by doing. See this trip as an opportunity to get better. Get out of your comfort zone. Then your comfort zone will grow.

Kintan · 23/04/2018 17:31

I totally understand about the motorway driving thing. I never go on them unless I have to. But I'm a bit perplexed that your partner won't be able to amuse himself for a couple of hours - couldn't he download a movie and sit in a pub and watch it or something like that?

PattiStanger · 23/04/2018 17:31

You and your DP both sound a bit drippy tbh.

You won't get your insurance cancelled if you drive at 70mph on the motorway - who told you that, don't drive at 65, that's just silly.

You sound a little high maintenance to me, I'd lose patience with a friend who wouldnt just woman up and get on with things.

Joey7t8 · 23/04/2018 17:33

DP would happily come to the tea with me if I asked him to. He isn't the beer and football type thankfully.

You’ve married a man that prefers to have afternoon tea with the girls then?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 23/04/2018 17:33

Take a taxi.

BackforGood · 23/04/2018 17:35

Agree with 100% of other replies (record for AIBU?) that you can't take him - and note you have already agreed this now, a couple of pages back.

However, it does sound like you really aren't that keen. People have made several suggestions, form you driving with DP and him taking car back and explaining fully to other friend with errands why you'd like a lift back, to dp sitting with you in car and entertaining himself for a couple of hours, to driving a longer route so you don't need to go on the motorway, to reading a book on public transport for a couple of hours.

Hopefully this will show you that you need to take the bit by the horns and get out there and learn to drive on a motorway. You really are limiting your life if you don't do this - just look at the anguish over this one 'date'.

I don't drive over 65 because of my insurance, I will get penalised if I break the speed limit. Anyone with a black box does the same!

Oh, and you are wrong about this. Black boxes track your driving. They expect you to travel at 70 on a motorway. Your insurance does not place any requirement on you to travel at 65 on a motorway.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2018 17:40

What's the "beer and football type"?

Bearing in mind that I love beer and football! What "type" am I?

Olddear · 23/04/2018 17:43

Happily my DH isn't the beer or football type.....Even more happily, he isnt the afternoon tea with the girls type either!

EttieKett · 23/04/2018 17:50

@ZenNudist, I posted something similarly sympathetic, but the OP thinks everyone has belittled her. Sigh.

OP, I think people are telling you not to take your DP with you because that's what you asked for opinions about in your original post (and, indeed, in the thread title...)

FleurDelacoeur · 23/04/2018 17:55

Can't he sit on his arse in a pub/cinema/library for a couple of hours?

But why should he? Who would voluntarily give up their Sunday afternoon to drive their partner the huge distance of a whole 25 miles, then have to fill time until she's ready to be driven back! Poor guy.

Imagine the responses if it were the OP being asked to give up her Sunday afternoon to drive her DH to an event she wasn't part of, and being asked to twiddle her thumbs until the event was over?

Palace2 · 23/04/2018 17:55

My son has a black box. 3 weeks after he passed his test he drove on the m25 and m3 on a busy Saturday. No issues, he just drove sensibly, made sure he knew which junctions he needed. Nobody looks forward to driving on busy motorways but once you're on them it's never as bad as you think it will be. A Sunday will be fine. You just have to get on with it or stay at home I'm afraid. A great app for your phone, better than my sat nav is Waze. It works like a sat nav, but tells you what's happening ahead. Traffic jams etc and will take you on a detour automatically to save you sitting in heavy traffic if it can.

SilverySurfer · 23/04/2018 17:56

Driving too slowly on motorways can also cause accidents - it's not just speeding. Of course people are constantly overtaking you if you're crawling along at 60 mph. Quite honestly you would do yourself and other drivers a favour not driving until you get some additional lessons.

Taking your DP to a girls meet up is obviously a huge no no. What sort of bloke would consider doing it anyway?

ferrier · 23/04/2018 18:01

I'm with MsPavlichenko - I think you should drive alone and without the distraction of having a passenger or the 'advice' that they might give. You need to be thinking and doing everything for yourself.

Just stick yourself on the inside lane. Do good observations of those in the outside lane and the incoming slip roads and adjust your speed appropriately to what is going on around you. It sounds like you've only got about 20 minutes of motorway driving each way so it's a nice manageable chunk of time to start getting used to it without finding it too overwhelming or tiring.

ApocalypseNowt · 23/04/2018 18:04

Not really relevant but what does your DP enjoy doing if he doesn't like pubs, cafes, sports or car wanks?

MrsKoala · 23/04/2018 18:08

I have sympathy with you OP. I don't drive on motorways at all and rarely on A roads (only ones i know very well and have practiced with DH and for a very short distances). I don't drive over 60mph. I don't really consider myself a driver. I would never agree to go somewhere like this. I would get a taxi/public transport, DH would take me (and happily amuse himself), or I wouldn't go. There is no way i would take DH to the tea tho.

I'm more surprised that your DH can't read a book or find something to do for a couple of hours than i am that you wont drive on the motorway.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2018 18:09

I think there's probably a law against wanking a car off apocalypse. Not to mention the danger of burns.

margotsdevil · 23/04/2018 18:09

Totally agree that over confidence in a new driver is not a positive thing and can be dangerous.

There is a reason however that you can fail a driving test for "undue hesitation" or whatever it's labelled now... a driver who is not moving at the speed of traffic - which in the inside lane is highly unlikely to be breaking the speed limit - can be dangerous too, as can a general lack of confidence.

I'd suggest that if you're really not confident on the motorway then you're safer for everyone to not drive there. I don't see how having someone with you makes a difference to your ability to actually drive though.

EttieKett · 23/04/2018 18:12

@SilverySurfer, my XH would. Note "X" H.

Joey7t8 · 23/04/2018 18:12

Imagine the responses if it were the OP being asked to give up her Sunday afternoon to drive her DH to an event she wasn't part of, and being asked to twiddle her thumbs until the event was over?

Quite. And I can’t imagine his refusal to drive a short distance on the motorway without someone holding his hand to calm his nerves would get much sympathy either.

Jessikita · 23/04/2018 18:13

If I’d arranged to just meet friends and you turned up with your boyfriend I’d be really cross. It changed the dynamic. If I wanted it to be couple I would have said. Afternoon tea is for women anyway! Lol

joystir59 · 23/04/2018 18:19

You will gain such confidence from doing this on your own. Set out early, take your time. Stop enroute if you need to.

MirriVan · 23/04/2018 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.