AIBU to want some time off?

[Flutist]

DS is 3 months old and I'm going absolutely crazy caring for him 24/7. DH is out at work till 8pm five days a week. I have to handle all night wakings because I'm bf and also because DH has to get up for work. DM pops in a few days per week to give me a hand around the house, and I put DS in his moses basket so she can watch him while I have a shower, but I can't leave him because she has arthritis and can't pick him up safely or undo his clothes to change him. There's nobody I can leave him with so I can't have a break.

At weekends I still don't get a break. DH does house maintenance and gardening, washes the windows and the cars, and he says this stuff has to be done so if I want him to look after the baby we'll have to swap and I do his tasks (most of which I can't do because I'm still sore from c-section, I can't lift heavy things and it isn't really a break if I have to spend it washing the windows). Plus he has a hobby which is one evening per week and one weekend day every other week (sometimes every week). I asked him when I get time off so I can do a hobby, and he said it isn't a hobby because he sells the items he makes so it's a job (he probably makes about £4 per hour so it's a hobby imo).

This afternoon I've cried my eyes out because DH was out doing his hobby on Friday night and all day yesterday, and today he washed the cars and fixed a tap etc. The weekend is over and I haven't had a break, and I can see Monday looming and the start of another week where I have the baby all day and night, and DH is out on Friday and Saturday again next week. About 5pm I was hysterical and begged DH to take the baby because I'm about an inch from a breakdown, and he has shouted at me for being selfish because he was in the middle of fixing a tile in the shower and had to stop. He's called me a nasty bitch for saying I needed to get away from the baby and said I dare not moan about the shower not being usable because I've stopped him getting on with fixing it just so I can sit around doing nothing.

I don't think IABU to expect a few hours break at the weekend? So I can have a bath, or get my hair done, or watch tv?

I would take him up on his offer of swapping of a weekend. I'd say I'd wash the car, whilst he took ds out for a walk. Once he was out of sight, I'd chuck some water over the car, then go and watch tv.

OP, what are you going to do when it's your son your "D"H is shouting at and calling messy, selfish and lazy? (Which all small children are, in many ways.) Is it going to be OK for him to abuse your son because your son lives in a nice house?

Take car to car wash, ignore fence and windows. He sounds like a shit - kick him in the nuts and then go out for the afternoon. Leave baby and him in same room.

I think he needs some treatment for his obsessions OP because washing the car & the windows of a house every weekend is not what most people would deem necessary.

He is also a selfish rude twat & like I said before you deserve better than this.

Also he’s in a folk band....

Do you ever call him out on his hypocrisy? I.e. Point out that if it's mean of you to try and deprive him of his downtime, then it's mean of him to deprive you of yours?

Also, his lack of insight into his obsessive thoughts and behaviour doesn't bode well for him changing. Is there anybody whose opinion he trusts who you could recruit into efforts to get him to see how OTT his standards are? What if his best friend were to have a gentle chat with him about how a) his standards are way too high, and far higher than the norm, b) that this is dysfunctional because it's causing him to neglect his wife and child, and c) that everybody drops their standards a bit when a baby is born (unless they have a full retinue of staff)?

There is help for OCD, but he has to want to engage with it. OCPD is far trickier, and it's typical for them to not even be able to see they have a problem.

Also, please read this en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive–compulsive_personality_disorder

Sakurasnail i think you missed my point, OP shouldnt have to time anything or desperately follow her son around cleaning after him every moment. Which she will, if her husband loses his rag at a misplaced tag what will his redponse be to scattered toys?

Flutist, the fact you know you have to wash up or he will shout is really saddening. Your anxiety must be through the roof when he is around and you must be sacrifice bonding time to keep him from losing his temper.

What is the household financial situation op? I know you shouldn't have to as your husband should be giving you a break, but if he won't and you don't feel able to leave yet, could you afford to throw money at the issue. Could you afford to pay for a babysitter? Someone to come round to the house one day during the week and maybe for a few hours on a Saturday to look after baby while you sleep/have a bath/go out for a coffee and read a book etc. If the person is coming to the house then you can still BF baby and then hand over to babysitter (although expressing and a bottle would be the better option so you can get out of the house for a bit if you want.)

It won't stop your husband being a horrible selfish bastard but at least you will get some rest and some time to yourself

Ok I hear you on his compulsion to clean. However this does not make his behaviour acceptable. He's making your life very difficult and, I would suggest, putting you at risk of mental health problems.

This is one of the biggest problems with mental health sufferers, their perspectives are warped sometimes to the point that they cause great unhappiness to those around them.

All you are wanting - support - is absolutely normal. His behaviour and expectations are very far from reasonable. And he isn't going to change without a LOT of motivation eg. waking up to the fact his relationship is on the line.

You need a nice mum or sister to go to stay with while you organise your separation or until he comes to terms with the fact he is being an awful partner and parent, and gets professional help to change.

1. Call the health visitor tomorrow and accept any help she can give you.

1. I don't think he has any clue how tough it is looking after a baby for more than 10 mins at a time. You need to let him discover this.

Best way I can see to do it would be to express a bit of milk every day for a week until you have enough to cover a half day, and then leave him to it - leave the house.

You can express when your boobs get sore. Baby might not have the most fun day ever, but I'm sure will make their feelings known pronto if OH actually forgets to do anything. And it's only 1/2 a day.

If it works, you could repeat every Sunday. You take 1/2 a day for yourself, and he gets the other 1/2 day for housework/cleaning. And he'll still be able to do his hobby.

(3. I can't pass this one by - sitting on the sofa breastfeeding is not relaxing. Baby is literally sucking energy out of you!)

shoving is right, OCPD is a particularly pernicious personality disorder because the sufferer projects onto others constantly. I wouldn't be able to live with it.

No way on this earth would a judge give him custody. It’s not about who has the most money, the courts don’t see it like that. They’d make a maintenance order from him for you. Custody is awarded to the primary carer unless there’s a very good reason and that is you. Your husband barely does anything with your son, no way could he convince a judge he could look after him full time.

Courts haven't awarded custody based on finances for decades! Goodness knows where he's getting that ludicrous idea from.

In addition you can make a good case for him being an unsuitable parent.

Lannie - did you miss where op has pointed out instances of quite worrying neglect of the child even when in his care for a short time?

Leaving the child cold, in dirty nappy. I would not trust this man to mind a fish!!

Sakurasnail i think you missed my point, OP shouldnt have to time anything or desperately follow her son around cleaning after him every moment. Which she will, if her husband loses his rag at a misplaced tag what will his redponse be to scattered toys?

I haven't missed any point 2. I agree his behaviour isn't on. But op hasn't really engaged with the masses of advice given on dealing with any aspect of this, from the breaks/bf/dh attitude etc, and is just posting more negative information. I don't say this in a judgey way, more that I don't think anything will improve until op has it clear for herself exactly what she wants to happen, then can make steps to get there. She has already said she's not leaving, so it's no good ppl going on about that. She has had advice on managing the bf at night but hasn't engaged with it, therefore I'm thinking doesn't want to change that at all. It appears from updates that DM does help, and dh does change nappies and look after and play with DC, just not in the way she approves of. So it's not her caring 24/7, no matter how it feels at times (and we've all been there and struggled on until it got better). She hasn't acknowledged the possibility of a window cleaner or taking the car to the drive in wash, etc.
So is it just the unfair sunday free time? I appreciate she's mentioned this, and will have to do so again, but stands a much better chance of a positive interaction and outcome if she is clear on what she wants, rather than saying 'I want you to prioritise me over the band.' She did say she'd be happy with him doing all three family/house/band, but they need to come to an agreement on definite priorities or it will just be an argument in which he gets his back up and she gets nowhere.

Had the same argument with DH again this weekend. Mon-Fri he was at work and I had the baby. Then on Saturday he tiled the kitchen floor while I had the baby. That seems fair.

But Friday night he went out while I had the baby, and he's gone out again today (Sunday). He says he's entitled to a day off. But AIBU to think that if Sunday is our only day off this week it should be shared so we each have half of the day to relax while the other has the baby? Instead he's taken the whole day and I've had the baby for 7 days this week.

He's shouted at me and said I want to stop him having a hobby and going out with his friends. But when do I have a hobby? Well you go to the neighbourhood watch meeting, he said. Which is true - an hour once per month on a Tuesday night Then he said it isn't his fault I don't have an equivalent hobby to go to. Yes I don't have A Hobby but would like free time to read a book or get my nails done etc! Why must I have A Hobby to be entitled to an equal share of the time off?

Then he said it isn't his fault I don't have an equivalent hobby to go to.

Awesome! So he's agreed to look after the baby if you get a hobby.

OP, take up running. You don't need to actually run much, just to the nearest coffee shop with a book.

Make sure your new hobby takes as much time at the weekend as his does.

Fuck me what a twat.

Other than leaving his backside I think you need to get tough. Don't ask, tell! I would leave his hobby time alone for leverage personally, but other than that cheerfully point out diy can wait an hour and surely he's capable of dealing with his child for one hour (concerned head tilt).

Fuck him and his transparent head games. Flip reverse that shit immediately by questioning his competency.

Every week night he is not doing his hobby be ready to leave the house when he gets in (running sounds perfect) and go out for an hour. Take a snack/drink in a little ruck sack and just walk or go to the pub and have a coffee/something to eat. At the weekend go and lock yourself in the bath for an hour after feedings done.

As your baby gets older increase this to just buggering off for the morning/afternoon one of the weekend days.

I'm just confused by his constant gaslighting. Starting to question if I am unreasonable for wanting to stop him going to his band. As he says, he can't go part-time - he either has to attend all the rehearsals or none. And he works long hours and has nothing else apart from that. And like he said, I'd stop him going just so I could "sit around". I just wanted a sense check on whether I'm being reasonable or not. I feel mean telling him I want him to stay home instead of going to his band.

The sensible thing to do IMO, would be to ask how much time off he wants at the weekend, and shade it out on the calendar. Then shade off a similar amount for yourself, and you leave the house during that time.

He's free to get on with DIY if he can whilst looking after a baby, but otherwise he'll be forced to realise the DIY really can wait, and the baby can't.

Any time left in the weekend is up for negotiation. It would be lovely if he wanted to spend time as a family, but I guess it would probably go on DIY. The important thing is that you need a bit of a break from the baby, and a bit of time 'off-duty'.

OL just invent a bloody hobby. Like betball. Where ever you are going, hair nails shop gym swim sitting in the park alone, say it is netball.