AIBU to want some time off?

[Flutist]

DS is 3 months old and I'm going absolutely crazy caring for him 24/7. DH is out at work till 8pm five days a week. I have to handle all night wakings because I'm bf and also because DH has to get up for work. DM pops in a few days per week to give me a hand around the house, and I put DS in his moses basket so she can watch him while I have a shower, but I can't leave him because she has arthritis and can't pick him up safely or undo his clothes to change him. There's nobody I can leave him with so I can't have a break.

At weekends I still don't get a break. DH does house maintenance and gardening, washes the windows and the cars, and he says this stuff has to be done so if I want him to look after the baby we'll have to swap and I do his tasks (most of which I can't do because I'm still sore from c-section, I can't lift heavy things and it isn't really a break if I have to spend it washing the windows). Plus he has a hobby which is one evening per week and one weekend day every other week (sometimes every week). I asked him when I get time off so I can do a hobby, and he said it isn't a hobby because he sells the items he makes so it's a job (he probably makes about £4 per hour so it's a hobby imo).

This afternoon I've cried my eyes out because DH was out doing his hobby on Friday night and all day yesterday, and today he washed the cars and fixed a tap etc. The weekend is over and I haven't had a break, and I can see Monday looming and the start of another week where I have the baby all day and night, and DH is out on Friday and Saturday again next week. About 5pm I was hysterical and begged DH to take the baby because I'm about an inch from a breakdown, and he has shouted at me for being selfish because he was in the middle of fixing a tile in the shower and had to stop. He's called me a nasty bitch for saying I needed to get away from the baby and said I dare not moan about the shower not being usable because I've stopped him getting on with fixing it just so I can sit around doing nothing.

I don't think IABU to expect a few hours break at the weekend? So I can have a bath, or get my hair done, or watch tv?

YANBU. Do all these jobs actually urgently need doing? I’m only asking because my DH suddenly decided the garden needed landscaping after our first was born, despite having no interest in gardening previously. He just couldn’t cope with a crying baby so was trying to escape (with no consideration for me). After eventually discussing it calmly we came to an agreement that he would take the baby for an hour’s walk in the pram each evening so I could A. Get some dinner in the oven and B. Sit down and watch tv for half an hour. It wasn’t much time but it did give me a breather. This may not fit in with his working hours so you need to come to some agreement about him putting some time aside at the weekend to take the baby for a couple of hours. Even BF babies can cope being away from their mothers for a couple of hours as long as he takes her just after she’s been fed.

Has your OH ever had the baby by himself for an extended period? (Could you express some milk for instance?) I think you don't understand how much hard work it is until you do it yourself. If nothing else, take him up on his offer to do the chores while he looks after the baby. Passing the baby over in order to paint a fence would have been a delight at times when my kids were young.

If I were you, I'd find a hobby to do one day every other weekend and just go do it. If he can do it, you can too. (Why's he out on Saturday next week? Isn't it once a fortnight?)

Is his job really so important that his sleep can't be disrupted at all? What about on Fri/Sat night? Weekend lie-ins? Again, expressing some milk would be your friend here...

Also, are you considering going back to work? I think with a OH like that, I would give it some serious thought. You don't want to become financially dependent on someone who values you so little.

Basically OP he is in massive avoidance mode.

It may be because he feels totally out of his depth holding / interacting with the baby alone, so he would literally rather find anything else to do so as to create a smokescreen of "busyness"

He has no idea that you are at the end if your tether because he has never been with the baby to get anywhere near that point. Plus he doesn't want to hear it.

He would rather blame you as moaning / hysterical than shine a light on his own incompetence and failure to bond with his child.

Was he always doing all this car washing and gutter-clearing before the baby?

Most importantly however he is a TOTAL WANKER for calling you a "nasty bitch." How dare he!!! You gave birth to his child only three months ago. This is vile language to your worst enemy, let alone your wife! I don't believe it

That insult alone requires immediate action. This is what I would do -

Pack a bag and go to your mum's tonight. Tell him you are devastated by what he called you. You can't respect or trust him at this time. You can't cope, he is not hearing you and you fear for your mental health. You have to put the baby first and you have to look after yourself as sole parent. As he won't look after you, or his own child, for even one hour, you are forced to go to your mum in desperation.

Tell him he needs to have a good think about his priorities because they are f**d. Tell him you see straight through him and all the window cleaning, etc is total bollocks. The only person he is fooling with that is himself. His wife is falling apart in front of his eyes and what does he do - fix a tile!!

Do take action OP because he needs a shock to the system.

Lots of men are like this. My DH was slightly, if I recall, but if he ever spoke to me in that language, it would be very hard for him to come back from it. Where is the respect?

Good luck! If you can't go to your mum's for any reason, tell him you are ringing social services or your GP / health visitor first thing tomorrow as they are your only option for some help and support.

I hope he sees the light very soon, but please don't let him get away with it.

Your ‘d’ H sounds awful - you need a break from the monotony of childcare.
You find something and say you’re doing it one night a week (even if it’s sleeping or going for coffee with a friend)
It’s about a fiver to take a car through Sainsbury’s car wash. If he’s that arsed about the cars, he can spend his money he makes on his ‘hobby’ on that.

Pengggwn It isn't acceptable for your DH to force you to do his share of an essential task (childcare) so he can do discretionary jobs.

That's it in a nutshell.

I also missed the 'nasty bitch' comment. That's something my OH would only get to say to me once.

...except he wouldn't ever say it.

Your DH is a dick.
Although I have a supportive DH I still completely understand how you feel re: needing a break. I had no mum or dad to help me and one day I plucked up the courage to ask a neighbour who I trusted to take DS out in his pushchair for an hour whilst I just rested- she then started taking him for one morning a week and it made me feel so much better! Have you got a friend or neighbour that would do this?

Your DH is a cunt. Sorry.
He needs to up his game pronto.

The house won't fall down if your dh puts the house maintenance off for a month or two. You might fall down if you don't get a break.
It is impossible for someone who has never looked after a small baby 24/7 to understand just how brainscramblingly exhausting it is, partly because to someone else it looks like an easy life, sitting on the sofa breastfeeding all day. Your dh just doesn't get it.

Explain calmly to him that he needs to spend some time with baby, you need to spend some time without baby. If he still isn't listening, can you enlist the help of someone he will listen to? Parents? brother?

My DH is the same. Not much I can say to help I'm afraid. It was about the same time when I broke and told him I was at my wits end and he decided to have this baby and he was also a parent and if he came in and went out to the shed one more time I was going to lose my ever loving mind. I told him about how I'd been texting the Samaritans I was at such a low point.

You need to sit him down and explain that he HAS to actively parent. Things like that can wait. Your MH cannot.

Wait I just realised what he called you. My DH through all his faults would NEVER say that to me.

I would honestly be either asking him to leave or leaving myself until he can sort his attitude out. Nasty abusive bastard.

No, I don't have a job to go back to. It was a min wage zero hour contract and when I got pregnant they suddenly had no hours for me. DH has an excellent job - management level, 7am-7pm or later every day. When I moaned about not having time off, he said well you get a job that pays what mine does and I'll stay at home. I said of course I can't earn that much, and he said thought not - that's why you have to take care of the baby.

Apparently I'm selfish and nasty for wanting an hour away from my child, and I obviously don't want my baby because I want to hand him off to someone else. I gave DH the baby and went in the other room to cry, and after ten minutes he followed me in and shouted at me to grow up and stop being selfish.

He has never had the baby by himself for more than half an hour. He can't do nights because he has to get up and work long hours, and I have to get up to bf anyway so according to DH I might as well change and burp and rock to sleep as well, because there's no point in both of us being woken up.

We bought a wreck of a house before I found out I was pregnant. I used to help with DIY. When I was pregnant DH whinged that I got myself out of helping. Now if I say he needs to take the baby for an hour he says I need to do DIY jobs while he has the baby then. He knows I can't, partly due to having had a c-section a few weeks ago. I know some jobs need doing, but if he's been doing them for 6 hours I don't see how an extra 2hrs makes a big difference, and why he couldn't take the baby while I watch a film or something.

Sounds as though your DH has allowed ty birth of his child to not alter his life one little bit. Priorities need to change. He can't do his hobby every weekend, the cars do not need hand washed. Surely he could bits and bobs when baby sleeping if needs be? Calling you a nasty bitch is a different matter altogether though.

Just adding to the voices of yes, he is a dick. DD is 10 weeks, I'm EBF and yes it's bloody hard at times. My DH still has time for his sport hobby and even his pub quiz; but he has my back. I know 100% if I said "can you skip tonight please I need you here", he'd cancel his plans immediately. He always tried to make sure we get equal down time, as much as you can get down time ebf anyway!

And there have been times when I've been in tears with it all and he will take her off my hands so I can rest, and will always try to give me as long as he can.

Yes, the car and windows don't need washing every week, he IS making excuses to not parent his child or support his wife! I don't know where some men get the idea that they're useless with children and the 'wummin' know it all - we bloody don't! We have to learn on the job, and so should they! The only thing is, some of them can't be arsed, get scared and run away to do some all important tiling

Get him to fuckery OP. Tell him you know he's making excuses because he doesn't want to parent, you won't stand for being called a bitch, and he needs to buck his ideas up.

YANBU. Your H is treating you appallingly.

Can you leave?

His comments are appalling. YOURS IS THE HARDER JOB.

Just read your latest update OP. I'd be making moves to leave the nasty fucker.

Never had the baby for more than half an hour, he's scared of childcare, what a coward.

Yes I think people are right in saying he sees me sittimg on the sofa with the tv on while he's at work or fixing up the house, and he doesn't see why im complaining. And he thinks he's entitled to his usual hobby time same as before I gave birth, because the rest of his time is either work or house. He doesn't see that I need time to myself as well. His meanness is unnecessary though. I'm telling him I'm struggling and he's just saying grow up because he's busy all the time too.

Oh he sounds NASTY. What a horrible man. Window and cars do not need washing every weekend. Can he not pay someone to do that is it’s so essential? Would you be willing to find a child minder for a few mornings a week so you can get a rest?

I’d also be looking for a job if I were you, no way would I be financially depending on that abusive prick. Childcare costs can be split in propertion to wages.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation

I missed the name calling

Did he want your ds? Because he's behaving like someone who has no concern for the well being of his family. I get that working is tiring as I'm sure you do - we've all had jobs - he's meant to trust your judgement on knowing what's tiring and what's not.

Can you go to your mums for a few days and assess your situation? I know she can't help loads but sometimes it's easier to be away from expectation and being constantly let down. Plus I presume she doesn't talk to you like you're a twat.

He sounds really unpleasant. Would you consider leaving him?

Agree with posters being direct. He's a cunt. You need to stop doing what he tells you to do and start telling him what you are going to do. He will do as little as he can get away with doing. If it was me i'd start being v unreasonable. Baby in bathroom while hes calling you unpleasant names.

Call him out on avoiding baby work. Tell him he needs to bond with baby. He has time out, you have time out.i am sorry you are with such a shit of a man

I could post about how cars don't need washing weekly, neither do windows and cleaning gutters etc. I could post about getting childcare.
But honestly, you have a problem with your husband, he is a selfish man who has no respect for you. Until you fix that, nothing will get better. When he isn't at work he should be with you.
My husband comes in at six pm, and gets given two children, a baby and a toddler and I fuck if to lie down in a dark room. He does bath and bedtime on his own four nights a week. And we share the nights feeds. Shock horror, even on nights he has to be up for week, as he respects begin at home is harder than being at work. He is also taking shared leave soon so he can have a turn to understand. But, all that is irrelevant. Your husband doesn't care you're struggling because he doesn't care about you.

He's a bastard and you need to leave

My suggestions:

• Co sleep and forget about nappy changing or burping at night unless necessary
• don't get worked up about routine or nap time - during the day if you can just sit down, bf and watch tv
• try a baby carrier to be able to do things around the house or to go out more easily for a bit.

Most important:

• have a v serious talk with DH or even consider if he is the right person to be with atm...