AIBU to want some time off?

[Flutist]

DS is 3 months old and I'm going absolutely crazy caring for him 24/7. DH is out at work till 8pm five days a week. I have to handle all night wakings because I'm bf and also because DH has to get up for work. DM pops in a few days per week to give me a hand around the house, and I put DS in his moses basket so she can watch him while I have a shower, but I can't leave him because she has arthritis and can't pick him up safely or undo his clothes to change him. There's nobody I can leave him with so I can't have a break.

At weekends I still don't get a break. DH does house maintenance and gardening, washes the windows and the cars, and he says this stuff has to be done so if I want him to look after the baby we'll have to swap and I do his tasks (most of which I can't do because I'm still sore from c-section, I can't lift heavy things and it isn't really a break if I have to spend it washing the windows). Plus he has a hobby which is one evening per week and one weekend day every other week (sometimes every week). I asked him when I get time off so I can do a hobby, and he said it isn't a hobby because he sells the items he makes so it's a job (he probably makes about £4 per hour so it's a hobby imo).

This afternoon I've cried my eyes out because DH was out doing his hobby on Friday night and all day yesterday, and today he washed the cars and fixed a tap etc. The weekend is over and I haven't had a break, and I can see Monday looming and the start of another week where I have the baby all day and night, and DH is out on Friday and Saturday again next week. About 5pm I was hysterical and begged DH to take the baby because I'm about an inch from a breakdown, and he has shouted at me for being selfish because he was in the middle of fixing a tile in the shower and had to stop. He's called me a nasty bitch for saying I needed to get away from the baby and said I dare not moan about the shower not being usable because I've stopped him getting on with fixing it just so I can sit around doing nothing.

I don't think IABU to expect a few hours break at the weekend? So I can have a bath, or get my hair done, or watch tv?

Cars and windows do not need washing every week.

Once a month is plenty for both.

Your OH is dodging.

Can you find a breastfeeding support group or a local mother and baby group? You don't need to have breastfeeding problems to attend a breastfeeding support group. Having a chat and a coffee with mothers with young babies doesn't give you a break from caring for your baby, but it can feel like one, just to chat and find others in the same situation.
THese groups were life savers to me.

Darling he is awful. Really. Really awful.

Nowhere in your posts is there any kindness towards you from him.

He sees you as a baby making machine that has to get the fuck on with it, meanwhile he lives the single life.

See a lawyer and kick him out. You are in an abusive relationship (coercive control and verbal) so the police should help you when you are ready. Speak to womens aid too. Keep a diary as evidence. Hide important documents and if you have access to money start stashing some away in a separate account.

Interesting how both he and you assume that the balance of power is in his favour, since you don't have any income to pay for the mortgage and outgoings.

How do you think he would cope if you walked out without the baby and he had to make up your contribution.

Full-time nanny during his working hours (14 hours/day) would cost at least 4k/month. Nursery fees only about 1.7k/month, but that's only 8-6pm. In either case, he'd be doing all the evenings, weekends and nights - no matter that he's getting up for work the next day.

Suddenly, what you're providing doesn't seem so trivial does it?

Of course, he know you'd never walk out on your baby. But somehow it's ok for him to threaten to leave his baby without food and shelter, by withdrawing his financial contribution? Except he wouldn't Really, he's just using that to control you. So that's ok then.

Hopefully your health visitor will have some good advice.

Sweetheart I can only echo what other posters have said.

This level of dodging his time with his baby is not normal. How he treats you is not normal. Calling you names and threatening you is abusive and it’s not going to get better.

Op, your head is all over the place from the sounds of it, and you are getting so stressed you can't see any way it will change.
You've made it clear you're not leaving, so concentrate on what you can do. Firstly, you're not coping with DC 24/7, your mum helps out and dh does too to some extent. So try to put it into perspective and don't get too wound up (not said in a harsh way!). It feels like 24/7 because it's relentless, but it does get easier, as most of us have found.
If he takes all Saturday for himself, you get Sunday. Non negotiable. He can still do some jobs while DC sleeps, as they do a lot when young. You just need to be on hand for bf.
As to doing all the night feeds and subsequent changes - most of us who ebf have been there and done that ourselves, so you either need to continue and accept it will get easier, or do something about it. If you can't express and use a bottle, try dh giving formula at night. Your milk supply will naturally adjust.
If you're still sore from c section after 3 months and its enough to prevent you doing some tasks, do you need to revisit your gp?
Make a task list between the two of you. Get a window cleaner, take the car to the car wash. There's not really much beyond the basics that really needs doing for more than a couple of hours a week. You need to change his attitude now and make him realise he needs to step up. Be proactive and don't let him get away with not supporting you.

You need to tell your health visitor everything. He is an abusive shit and will only get worse. If he is this angry about a sticker on the side and slight mess now arent you concerned how angry he may get towards a snotty, sticky mess of toddler? You might try desperately which is really not good to clean after your ds but you will need to go for a wee sometime.

The thing is, it's impossible to just walk out the door and leave him to it because OP is bf and, more importantly, she can't trust him with the baby anyway. He would probably just put the baby in the Moses basket and carry on with diy.

Yep speak to a solicitor and find out where you actually stand, as opposed to where you and he think you do. You think you'll be forced to leave the family home when you're the main (only!) carer for baby? You might find the solicitor has a veru different answer to that, one your not so 'D' H will like very much!

And don't let oh I let you have a bath put you off calling the health visitor. You need support, and he needs calling out on being a shit. Let them know how he treats you, how he leaves baby in dirty nappies etc. Show him up, he's scared of that.

And ring womens aid.

You might try desperately which is really not good to clean after your ds but you will need to go for a wee sometime.
Yes, but don't you remember the days of timing it with naps? I've had showers with DC in a baby recliner in the bathroom with me, and didn't have a regular daytime unaccompanied toilet break for many years...probably true for many, so don't expect too much too soon!

We were happier when we were more independent, before pregnancy made me realise he wasn't bothered enough to take care of me.

You mean you were happier before you knew who he really was. He sounds less than useless. I know you're probably feeling quite fragile at the moment but dig deep and find your toughness and then give it to him with both barrels. Tell him how he was mad for a baby and now behaves like he doesn't have one and ask him what he intends to do about this. You do have prospects and you can provide a future for your son. It'll be tough but it's tough now, at least you won't have a useless husband around too.

He can use the extra money from his “hobby” to pay for a window cleaner and a car wash for a start. What a grade a prick

Please ring the health visitor today, you need support.

Please contact a solicitor. I get that you won't leave, so probably think there's no point, but you're under the assumption that assets would be split 50/50. It's more likely that you would get the house until your baby is 18 years old. He may have to pay spousal maintenance, and will definitely have to pay child maintenance (I believe the CMS say it should be 20% of his income for one child).
Once you have the FACTS, you will be in a stronger position.

Put the numbers into a benefits calculator. They don't take into account maintenance, so benefits won't be reduced because of that.
You might find that it actually works out at more than you think with the various benefits you'd be entitled to.

Remember, knowledge is power. When you know exactly where you would stand if you split, you will feel more confident. Many women have been in your shoes, and have made a better life for themselves and their children.

Start squirrelling money away and make a long term plan to leave at some point in the future, because you will leave him eventually. You won't be able to live like this for the rest of your life. Oh, and make sure your contraception is bullet proof, and preferably stop having sex with him. If he tries to coerce you to have sex, he's in sexual abuse/rape territory, even though you're his wife.

Things with the baby will get easier. Not easy, but easier. Just hang on, and while you're waiting, gather that information, and the support of the health visitor.

So if he is with the band all day Saturday, why doesn't he give you Sunday off? Even if we accept his (bullshit) argument that the house HAS to be done up pronto and he HAS to take no time off from the band, that still leaves him the evenings after work to do it. Or he could give you Sunday morning off and help a couple of the evenings he's not at band practice, and do all his OCPD cleaning on the other two evenings.

Could you approach it like you are worried for his mental health with the impossibly high standards, and are worried he will pass it on to DS? He needs to tone it down. Have you thought about how he will be with DS once he's mobile and a mini mess-making machine? How will he cope with toys all over the floor, let alone spilled drinks, biscuit crumbs, crayon scribbles on the wall etc? I can't see that going well, and you already know he is incapable of prioritising DS's needs above his own.

I would definitely go see a solicitor for some free advice. As pp say, likelihood is you would be able to stay in the house, or at least a smaller one. Once you knew your position you would be in a stronger position to make it clear to him it's not a foregone conclusion that you will stay no matter what abuse he dishes out. Next time he says he'll go for custody just laugh in his face, and say something like 'really? REALLY? How would you fit in looking after DS around your job, the band, all the over-the-top cleaning? You couldn't even stay awake long enough for me to have a bath, so we both know it's bullshit. And you'll never cope with the mess on your own. Pull the other one.'

He's got you scared and feeling trapped, when he is the one with the most to lose if he doesn't buck his ideas up. Please get some advice. Knowledge is power, and it'll likely do wonders for your confidence.

Is he normally like this? If not is he not too confident with LO and lashing out to avoid looking useless?
I had a similar situation but he's not nasty and I started leaving her with him for extended periods of time like sitting in the bathroom for 10 minutes to start with. Is he able to feed expressed milk?
You defo need a break!! My DD has just done her first 4 hour sleep in a row at night and I feel like a new woman haha.. she's 7 months and it's getting easier.
If he is normally like that then that's a whole other issue of whether you want him as a role model.
Hope it works out for you!

Op. It's clear you understand he's an arsehole, but you THINK your hands are tied because of the finances.
THEY ARE NOT. HE IS LYING.
You hopefully live in the uk. You are entitled to benefits for exactly this situation. He would have to pay maintenance because he is employed.
What is it you're hanging on to for the finances? It isn't quality of life. It must be the house.
HE WOULD NOT GET THE HOUSE, YOU WOULD.
HE WOULD NOT GET CUSTODY. And neither does he want it. He's just using that line as a stick to beat you with.

Please seek independent financial advice, and start getting your ducks in a row.

Could you not compromise and send your little one to nursery for an afternoon once a week? Or find a childminder? I also think you need to find some mummy friends, get out and get a bit of confidence. Try local groups and get out of the house. It will do you the world of good.

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread, but have read your comments, and agree that your DH sounds really nasty and selfish.

I don't have a huge amount of advice, but I think it is important that you recognise that this relationship is not normal or healthy currently. Basically, you are not weird for feeling how you do, you are perfectly justified.

There are three possible outcomes here:

1. He is made to see how badly he is treating you, and changes his ways.

2. You refuse to be treated like this, and leave him.

3. You stay with him and are treated this way for years, whilst your baby grows up watching this, and thinking that this is how relationships should be.

4. is preferable but I don't know how possible - it sounds as though he is very unreasonable when you try to have a conversation about your feelings. Would relationship counselling be an option?

I hope others who have been in this situation can offer more advice.

Yeah, he's got no intention of having full custody! Just ignore him when he says that, he's just saying it to keep you under control.

And even if he did go to court to try to get custody, no court in the land will give it to him, when he can't demonstrate that he's the main carer.

I’ve not read the entire thread but I just wanted to add my voice to what everyone is saying. Looking after a baby is desperately exhausting and full on. Snatching a few minutes while the baby sleeps, ever listening out for him waking up, or watching tv while breastfeeding is NOT a break. I couldn’t stay with such a selfish idiot, but the chances of him stepping up to the mark look a bit bleak. Just for the record, as others have said, there’s no way any court would grant him residence if you split up. Even if he wasn’t such a waste of space as a dad, residence is generally ordered to the parent with main care so far, regardless of income. He would have to pay maintenance for the child. There is no 50% rule re assets. Courts have a huge discretion as to how to divide funds and main concern is providing a home for children and main carer. Don’t let him bully you by telling you otherwise.
I can understand you not wanting to leave him because he would then have contact away from you, But, from what you say, he will fall fairly quickly into the category of absent parents who do not pursue contact. But, you are doubtless too tired to think about or pursue such a big step at the moment. I would say you need as much support as possible from friends and family. Accept all offers of help. Find out about local baby/toddler groups. It is a faff to get out, but it is worth it. Just getting out the house and talking to other people will make a big difference to how you feel.
It’s must be horrid having such an unsupportive partner. You are worth more.

I agree you're not getting anywhere near enough support from your partner.
It took 6 months before my csection felt fully healed and I could do all the tasks I did before.
Sleep deprivation is horrific and breastfeeding is exhausting. And ask for a blood test for anemia. I was struggling with both and it turned out I was severely anemic and after the anemia was treated I could think straight again.
Please tell your health visitor.

Cars don't need washing and windows can last a good 6-12months. As for hobbies, who on earth gets to continue with one of those uninterrupted when there's a new baby in the house?!

Your husband is being so unreasonable that I feel quite angry on your behalf.

Mother & baby must get food, sleep and toileting opportunities. Everything else can wait.

I know people keep saying the windows don't need to be washed etc, but the fact is when someone is obsessed with cleaning they don't see that. To DH they do need to be washed. I've been known to hide dirty dishes in the oven if DH is due home and I haven't had time to wash up, to avoid him shouting. I honestly don't know what he'll do when faced with a sticky toddler.

At the moment he has three things to do in his spare time: support his wife with the baby, fix the house to an acceptable standard before DS starts crawling and needing cooked meals, and play with his band. I'd be happy for him to do all three. But if he can only do two it needs to be wife and house. However the two he's choosing are band and house, and to hell with his wife. When I suggest he prioritises wife and house for perhaps six months I get told I'm mean and trying to take away his hobby and his only time off.

I’m so sorry OP. Do you have support in real life? A friend you can ask for help?

Sorry OP, Y are definitely NBU.

this would really upset me if DP HAD to wash the cars etc rather than hang out with me and the baby.
I always made sure even just for one morning on the weekend I would be able to take time having a shower, actually drying my hair and putting on some make up so I could feel human.

It is 100% normal to want some you time, and he should be enabling that, not being mean.

Like others say, tell him you’ll be doing X between whatever times and if that’s a problem with him I’d also be going to stay with my Mum. I know you said she can’t handle him due to arthritis, but at least she can watch him and you can have a nice nap!

But if he can only do two it needs to be wife and house. However the two he's choosing are band and house, and to hell with his wife
What exactly do you want from him?