AIBU to want some time off?

[Flutist]

DS is 3 months old and I'm going absolutely crazy caring for him 24/7. DH is out at work till 8pm five days a week. I have to handle all night wakings because I'm bf and also because DH has to get up for work. DM pops in a few days per week to give me a hand around the house, and I put DS in his moses basket so she can watch him while I have a shower, but I can't leave him because she has arthritis and can't pick him up safely or undo his clothes to change him. There's nobody I can leave him with so I can't have a break.

At weekends I still don't get a break. DH does house maintenance and gardening, washes the windows and the cars, and he says this stuff has to be done so if I want him to look after the baby we'll have to swap and I do his tasks (most of which I can't do because I'm still sore from c-section, I can't lift heavy things and it isn't really a break if I have to spend it washing the windows). Plus he has a hobby which is one evening per week and one weekend day every other week (sometimes every week). I asked him when I get time off so I can do a hobby, and he said it isn't a hobby because he sells the items he makes so it's a job (he probably makes about £4 per hour so it's a hobby imo).

This afternoon I've cried my eyes out because DH was out doing his hobby on Friday night and all day yesterday, and today he washed the cars and fixed a tap etc. The weekend is over and I haven't had a break, and I can see Monday looming and the start of another week where I have the baby all day and night, and DH is out on Friday and Saturday again next week. About 5pm I was hysterical and begged DH to take the baby because I'm about an inch from a breakdown, and he has shouted at me for being selfish because he was in the middle of fixing a tile in the shower and had to stop. He's called me a nasty bitch for saying I needed to get away from the baby and said I dare not moan about the shower not being usable because I've stopped him getting on with fixing it just so I can sit around doing nothing.

I don't think IABU to expect a few hours break at the weekend? So I can have a bath, or get my hair done, or watch tv?

I don't even agree with dads not doing night stuff in the week! "I'm working the next day" and? So is the mother! And she doesn't get a peaceful commute, tea breaks, lunch break, and to finish altogether at a set time! It's bollocks!

I'll bet there isn't much he does of an evening whereas op is doing housework, seeing to baby - CONSTANTLY!

It's time this "well he works" nonsense was done away with. Caring for children is also bloody hard work!

Wow, sorry OP... He's a entitled arse...

He's going to be a crap role model.

My dad was like this..... It hasn't helped our relationship in adulthood...

He 'worked' so justified his hobbies... 3 nights a week and at least 1-2 long weekends away, this also meant the days he was at home he had extra long working days to make up for leaving early Friday... taking the only car.... The time he was actually at home he spent time either asleep, or 'tidying up in the shed... Which seemed to take lots of hours a week....

All utter shit... Althou he's conveniently forgotten this... He's not got memory loss usually!.... All to AVOID spending ANY time with his (perfectly) nice family...
I now a father in middle age who knows nothing about me....he couldn't reliably say what me or my brother studied at uni, what our hopes and dreams were, or anything about us really.

Op, I'd agree with you about this not being a practical ltb situation. I totally get the need for a break, as my dh has always worked away for long stretches and I had no help or break for a long time (bf baby and family too far away). It took a long time for dh to realise it's full on no breaks when looking after young kids. The only way he could realise this was a good stretch of time by himself looking after DC. Even then, he wouldn't be doing other stuff like housework at the same time, so I don't think they really ever get it.
Can you express and introduce some bottles to enable this? Even if you just walk out for an afternoon if he doesn't seem agreeable. Tbh, I don't think you're going to make any progress without digging your heels in, and he's going to hate that because he'll have to do something he's not comfortable with. Best not to let DC get too attached to you as the 'only' carer now though, it will be really irritating further down the line!

He is an emotionally and financially abusive arse hole.
If you separated it is likely that you would get to keep the house and he would have to significantly contribute to your living costs.
The court would allow time for you to be a SAHM and take into consideration your mortgage etc when working out maintenance.
I would say if you can just get away from this utter dick!

What is this hobby that is making him so rich?
He's the drummer in a folk band. They rehearse one evening every week or two, and mostly play in shopping malls or city centres at weekends and sell CDs they've made of their songs. Probably about 20 weekend days a year, either Sat or Sun (occasionally both). They probably end up with about £40 each from CD sales if they're out all day, so not a big earner. Not worth doing except they enjoy it.

DH says he can't miss a day because the other guys can't play without him, and if he drops out they'll replace him and he won't get back in.

Um... what planet is he on? Sorry OP that’s one of the worst case’s of a no supporting, total slack and rude (actually abusive) partner you’ve got there. He needs to grow up and get over himself and his “jobs”. What a loser. Wow!

What hobby is this that earns him money? I'm imagining him knitting and selling items at church bazaars.

I agree with the others, he's a bastard. I like a clean on the outside car, and keeping a car washed and waxed does help prevent rust. But there's no reason why he can't pop the baby in the car seat and go to an automatic carwash while you stay home and rest.

As far as the other issues go, it's really no way to live. Everyone likes a clean home, but you can't live in fear of laying a tag on the end table. If you truly think this is a mental health issue, he needs to have it addressed. If he won't, well, I can't imagine living that way long-term. Is there something you could do once the baby is a bit older to increase your earning power? Maybe study from home?

There is nothing to stop busy idiot Disney dad from getting up in the night at weekend
I'm bf so he can't feed the baby unless I express, and even if I do express I'm going to wake up with painful full boobs at the normal feeding time and have to pump, so might as well just feed. And once I'm awake to bf there's (apparently) no point in both of us being awake, I might as well change DS and put him back to sleep as well...

@steff13 I explained further up about him playing in a folk band that sells CDs in shopping malls at weekends.

Hi OP. I have kind of been there, emcs, the crushing tiredness and hormones, bfeeding and a DH who wanted to do "stuff" rather than coparent. It's not easy to get your point across when you are knackered and emotional either, just made him defensive.

Anyway, I did go for the surprise "have to nip out, dsis needs me", that worked temporarily but what worked long term was carving out a "hobby" of my own that got me out the house.

I started doing the NHS c25k, I actually hate running but it was something free that I couldn't do with the baby. And I presented it as the "GP has recommended I do this, I have to go back in a month and let him know how it's going", so not up for discussion really.

DH is still doing his "hobby" but it's scaled back, he just had to come to the realisation himself and sort it out himself.

I think a PP mentioned Homestart, they can really help in situations like these and are non judgemental.

OP that sort of hobby is fine as a single man. It's time he realised he is a married man with a young baby and a wife who is struggling to do it all. You and the baby he wanted should come before some folk band mates. If he has to give up the band for a while so what.

He needs to grow the fuck up! Folk band taking priority over his child!

Bollocks to that! Are the other band members fathers? If so do they do fuck all with their children?

1 I doubt it few men are quite THIS bad

2 even if they ARE this bad all the more reason to get him the hell away from them!

At the VERY LEAST he needs to give you at least an hours break weekday evenings and one lie In at weekend.

But - tosser you're better off without really.

I have never, ever said this on here, but I think you should consider LTB

You never mention loving him, it's just the situation right? et advise, it might be possible for you to go

There just doesn't seem to be any love or care in your relationship the way you describe it, do you think he cares about you?

I'm furious for you!

Yesterday my partner took my baby downstairs after her first morning feed so I could have an extra hour in bed, took her for a walk to the shops mid-morning so I could get ready in peace and bathed her in the evening while I watched TV.

I described this to my DM and referred to him as being a "good dad". She disagreed and said he's just being a dad, and doing things that are expected of him as a dad. It doesnt make him "good" or exceptional.

My baby is also 3months old and ebf. We just time it so he gives me a break immediately after a feed.

After a long days work my partner is itching to spend time with the LO. I'd be also questioning why your partner doesnt seem to want to spend time with his own baby?

It's time he realised he is a married man with a young baby and a wife who is struggling to do it all.
There are ten guys in his folk band. Four with school age kids, one with a baby aged about one, the rest have grown up kids. Apparently nobody else's wife is complaining.

I'm sure whether the other wives are complaining depends on how the other guys behave at home. It's not that much time if the guy does equal parenting and give the wife equal downtime.

Should also say that at times the others have opted out for a few months for family reasons and the guys have done without or temporarily replaced him. But DH won't, not even so he can finish decorating the kitchen so his son has a table to eat at when he goes onto solids. He's terrified he ends up being left out permanently, and by asking him to take time out I want to take away his hobby. He thinks he can do Sat-band and Sun-do house stuff and cleaning, while I think Sat should be switched to "give wife a break". But apparently that's just me being selfish and taking away his only day off.

OP I'd be telling him that if you got divorced then he'd have to take at least one weekend in two off to look after the baby

OP if it's at the point where he is more scared to lose his position in a hobby folk band, knowing that other members have taken sabbaticals when needed for family time, then I'm afraid that tells you he would rather lose you and DS. Except he doesn't see that because in his mind you would never even think of leaving him. OP, what a horrid situation to find yourself in at a time you, your DH and DC should be bonding as a family.

1 you don't KNOW the other wives aren't complaining

2 they may not have reason to if the rest of the time those fathers are actually parenting and not finding any excuse not to.

3 I agree prioritising this shows you what he is - a shit partner and father.

Shackup - actually he wouldn't "have to" do that at all. You can't legally force a parent to have contact and honestly I think this guy would opt out. As far too many do sadly.

Hard as it is for op to hear this guy really doesn't act as if he wants to be a father.

My husband is pretty selfish and lazy. I love him but I'm not blind to his faults. It took him a while to adjust to the baby and to realise just how much it takes it out of you when left alone.

He is out of the house from 6am-6.30pm at least most days and then has to work late into the night in his home laptop. However. He still takes the baby pretty much straight away. We share bedtime. At the weekends he lets me sleep in on Saturday and he sleeps in on Sunday. If I'm struggling I'm sent to bed or a bath or whatever to give me a break.

Not once would he ever say the things your husband has said. That is vile, cruel and definitely abusive. Please talk to your health visitor. You need real life support. And tbh if your husband won't take it from you maybe he'd realise if a professional told him!

Also I would do my best to start a stock of breast milk. When you have enough for a full days feeding. Tell him, don't ask, tell him you are going out one weekend day. Have plans booked non optional. Don't back out. And go. It'll break your heart leaving the Baby but maybe spending a whole day alone will give him a reality check. Even though my husband thought he was being supportive he really woke up after I spent a whole day out with my mum at a spa day she'd bought me when my son was 8 weeks old.

Good luck OP, please talk to someone in real life and get some support.

He does think I won't leave. He knows I have no income and no earning potential if I did go back to work. And nowhere to go either, and he would get half of the money I invested in the house.

To be fair, he works all week in a stressful job and is trying to fix up the house at weekends. I don't want to take away his hobby but I can't cope with the baby 24/7.

I understand the "make him do it for a day" advice but given I and another pp are pretty certain this guy has a serious mh condition causing some of his behaviour I wouldn't want to leave such a young baby with him. Especially as it sounds like he's never so much as changed a nappy or given a feed before. Potential for a very distressed poorly cared for baby.

He THINKS he knows all that re finances truth is NEITHER of you know that.

It's entirely possible you could stay in the house with him contributing to the mortgage.

As I and other pps have said if he learned he would lose more than he thinks maybe he'd grow up and get a grip!

Hard as it is for op to hear this guy really doesn't act as if he wants to be a father.
He's the one who wanted a baby. When I say I can't cope he tells me to just leave and he'll raise the baby. But as long as I stay he does very little parenting.