AIBU to want some time off?

[Flutist]

DS is 3 months old and I'm going absolutely crazy caring for him 24/7. DH is out at work till 8pm five days a week. I have to handle all night wakings because I'm bf and also because DH has to get up for work. DM pops in a few days per week to give me a hand around the house, and I put DS in his moses basket so she can watch him while I have a shower, but I can't leave him because she has arthritis and can't pick him up safely or undo his clothes to change him. There's nobody I can leave him with so I can't have a break.

At weekends I still don't get a break. DH does house maintenance and gardening, washes the windows and the cars, and he says this stuff has to be done so if I want him to look after the baby we'll have to swap and I do his tasks (most of which I can't do because I'm still sore from c-section, I can't lift heavy things and it isn't really a break if I have to spend it washing the windows). Plus he has a hobby which is one evening per week and one weekend day every other week (sometimes every week). I asked him when I get time off so I can do a hobby, and he said it isn't a hobby because he sells the items he makes so it's a job (he probably makes about £4 per hour so it's a hobby imo).

This afternoon I've cried my eyes out because DH was out doing his hobby on Friday night and all day yesterday, and today he washed the cars and fixed a tap etc. The weekend is over and I haven't had a break, and I can see Monday looming and the start of another week where I have the baby all day and night, and DH is out on Friday and Saturday again next week. About 5pm I was hysterical and begged DH to take the baby because I'm about an inch from a breakdown, and he has shouted at me for being selfish because he was in the middle of fixing a tile in the shower and had to stop. He's called me a nasty bitch for saying I needed to get away from the baby and said I dare not moan about the shower not being usable because I've stopped him getting on with fixing it just so I can sit around doing nothing.

I don't think IABU to expect a few hours break at the weekend? So I can have a bath, or get my hair done, or watch tv?

Maybe speak to your hv as well aBout not coping. Thing is, he could decide to end the relationship himself. Then he could decide he cant possibly have the baby for more than an hour / on his own / overnight. Then you’d be leftnas ansingle parent with no time off and the issues you want to avoid.

Omg he’d rather go out and piss off shoppers playing drums than look after his child and support his wife. Like fuck is watching tv while bfing or while the baby sleeps the same thing. You are still responsible for your baby. He has proper down time is where he is responsible for himsdlf alone and doesn’t have to follow a schedule set out by another small or large human. Time for him to grow up and start supporting you! No wonder you’re at the end of your tether. Please don’t have sex with him. You definitely don’t need another baby.

Phone a solicitor today. Clarify the financial situation with your inheritance and the house.

Have actual facts. You dont neednto do anything else. Just be armed with actual facts.

I ebf both my children. With my first, i fed at night then dh winded, changed and resettled. He worked long hours in a demanding job at the time too

Especially as it sounds like he's never so much as changed a nappy or given a feed
He does change 1-2 nappies most evenings. He's given a feed once or twice in the early weeks when he was on paternity leave. I didn't bother pumping again because full boobs woke me up anyway. I don't like leaving the baby with him because he lets him get cold or cry and sleeps through it. I came back after my bath tonight to find DH asleep on the sofa and baby freezing cold in his rocker with no blanket on. DH insisted it wasn't cold because he felt fine.

LOL Really? He'll raise the baby full-time, whilst working Full-Time with a very busy job, whilst renovating a house and playing in his hobby folk band. Right. Has he even changed a nappy or bathed his child. He's a bullying prick. He's the obnoxious sort of vile bully who if there wife does even up leaving them, then threatens to go for full custody even though the would actually shit their pants and run a mile if a women actually said "yeah OK".

Wanting to have a baby in the abstract romanticised way and wanting to be a father in a real practical way are - as you are discovering - two very different things.

Your last post confirms he is not capable of caring for the baby and leaving baby with him for a day "so he knows what it's like" is a dreadful idea in this case (where the father is just lazy/oblivious to the effort required is different)

I really couldn't and wouldn't stay with this guy he is beyond selfish.

I'll bet his changing 1-2 nappies most evenings leads to him claiming to others he's a "hands on" dad.

I'm curious why you've not said what his parents are like.

His dad was very hands-off. His mum is very selfish and huffy and has to be appeased and pandered to all the time. I don't much like either of them.

Well if his dad was as bad as him I don't blame his mum! Doesn't sound like they'll be any help. Gotta say that being the case why did you think he'd be any different?

He's the obnoxious sort of vile bully who if there wife does even up leaving them, then threatens to go for full custody
Yes, that's exactly what he said when I threatened to leave because he's unsupportive. He said he'd get custody because he earns enough to take care of DS and would have the house to raise him in because I couldn't afford the mortgage.

I wouldn't leave though. If I left I'd worry about access because DH doesn't wake at night if the baby cries. I've seen him moan about changing the baby while his son lies there in his own shit. I've seen him sit with the baby on his lap smiling at him while he looks at his mobile phone and ignores him. I've seen him sing his folk songs to the baby, obviously enjoying himself and making an effort to sing properly, and ignoring the fact that baby is crying and clearly isn't enjoying it and would prefer being bounced up and down to The Wheels On The Bus. Plus I'd have to give up my son and let DH take him for days or nights. So I won't leave.

He's abusive. He makes these threats to stop you from leaving.

Being the main earner does not mean he would win a custody case. I think it's more likely that he would end up paying you considerable maintenance....

Please don't let him bully you anymore. If my partner had said any of this stuff to me while I was on maternity leave, I would have left his sorry arse.

Wow what a wanker! Self absorbed twat. Your life doesn’t have to be this way. He can get the hell out of the house. There isn’t a lawyer in that land who’d give him full custody. Start keeping a diary of what he does including time spent on hobbies, car cleaning, maintenance and the 5 mins “looking after” your ds.

Is he diagnosed ocd btw?

No not diagnosed OCD. He says he doesn't have it and I'm just unhygienic and don't respect my home. I.e. The problem is not that his standards are too high but that mine are too low.

Does he have anything nice to say about you?

In other words he thinks it's normal to shout at your wife because she wiped a bit of dirt off the baby's face using her finger instead of a cloth.

Does he have anything nice to say about you?
I don't know any more. I'm not slim and pretty like I used to be before pregnancy. I no longer earn money or go out and do interesting things. I have nothing to talk about because I spend all my time with the baby. I have no future prospects. I suppose I don't like me much either. We were happier when we were more independent, before pregnancy made me realise he wasn't bothered enough to take care of me.

Ignore the financial for a minute. In practical terms how much difference would it make if he just wasnt there? Slightly less shiny windows and car? Anything else?

Diary is a good idea - proof he is neglectful/abusive.

In all honesty op I really don't think this guy would even go for contact let alone any kind of residency.

This has made me so sad, you sound so broken & beaten down.

Please, please get some legal advice regarding the house, finances etc just to see where you stand.

My dad was similar to this, around but never had time for me, parents arguing all the time & it is a shit way to grow up. Your DS will not thank you for staying when he is old enough to understand.

Also, think Graphista is right, no way is this guy having 50/50 custody, overnights etc, or if he did at first it wouldn't last.

Please leave.

Jesus OP. What a nightmare. This guy is an abusive bastard. It’s sounds as though he wants the status and respect of being a father and family man (look at me, being the provider, doing all the diy etc) without actually giving a shit about his wife and child.

I haven’t RTFT so you’ve probably already been asked this before, but is there any other family nearby who can help you out apart from your DM? Do you have any Mum friends or are there any local mother and baby groups you could join? You need to start building up a good support network.

The other band members' wives will be complaining if their set up is similar just the partners dont hear it over their droning singing.

Out of interest, does he declare the folk band income for tax purposes? Or does it cost more than it makes (just like a hobby really).

So when is your day off? He's all me me me. When does he actually see his child? He's going to miss out on so much.
He says the other wives don't complain but do their husbands finish work late?

Your baby is very young OP, babies are extremely hard work and you need support from you DH. Your emotions are all over the place, not the best time to make serious decisions. The baby will get easier, do you have friend in RL that can help you?

I’m sorry you’ve lost part of yourself by becoming a parent. It’s very common when babies are small and it does get easier. Breastfeeding is also exhausting, especially during growth spurts. Your baby likes and loves you, you’re his loving mummy. And his opinion is worth far more than this manchild.

I agree with what others are saying about the other band members. Yes, they go out for their hobby. But odds on they are a lot more hands on and have a partnership with the other parent, where each of them has down time.