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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want some time off?

197 replies

Flutist · 22/04/2018 17:36

DS is 3 months old and I'm going absolutely crazy caring for him 24/7. DH is out at work till 8pm five days a week. I have to handle all night wakings because I'm bf and also because DH has to get up for work. DM pops in a few days per week to give me a hand around the house, and I put DS in his moses basket so she can watch him while I have a shower, but I can't leave him because she has arthritis and can't pick him up safely or undo his clothes to change him. There's nobody I can leave him with so I can't have a break.

At weekends I still don't get a break. DH does house maintenance and gardening, washes the windows and the cars, and he says this stuff has to be done so if I want him to look after the baby we'll have to swap and I do his tasks (most of which I can't do because I'm still sore from c-section, I can't lift heavy things and it isn't really a break if I have to spend it washing the windows). Plus he has a hobby which is one evening per week and one weekend day every other week (sometimes every week). I asked him when I get time off so I can do a hobby, and he said it isn't a hobby because he sells the items he makes so it's a job (he probably makes about £4 per hour so it's a hobby imo).

This afternoon I've cried my eyes out because DH was out doing his hobby on Friday night and all day yesterday, and today he washed the cars and fixed a tap etc. The weekend is over and I haven't had a break, and I can see Monday looming and the start of another week where I have the baby all day and night, and DH is out on Friday and Saturday again next week. About 5pm I was hysterical and begged DH to take the baby because I'm about an inch from a breakdown, and he has shouted at me for being selfish because he was in the middle of fixing a tile in the shower and had to stop. He's called me a nasty bitch for saying I needed to get away from the baby and said I dare not moan about the shower not being usable because I've stopped him getting on with fixing it just so I can sit around doing nothing.

I don't think IABU to expect a few hours break at the weekend? So I can have a bath, or get my hair done, or watch tv?

OP posts:

Longdistance · 22/04/2018 20:25

Right, next Saturday is your aim. Give dd her morning feed, throw dd into his arms, and walk out the door to have some peace. Go shopping, go for coffee, meet a friend for brunch. Just don’t tell dh you’re doing it, the element of surprise is the best approach.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 22/04/2018 20:26

Wow, sounds like you have a DH problem. For some perspective, my dh has had 2x 2-week trips away this month, leaving me with our 5 month old and 2 year old. I’m currently writing this from a spa, where I’ve spent the day and will spend the night. That probably makes me sound like a dick, but IMO your situation is the unusual one of the 2 and you’re definitely overdue some downtime.

FilthyforFirth · 22/04/2018 20:26

Have my second only ltb. Seriously, leave. It wont get better. Are your family near by? Can you go and stay them for the next few days? My DH is very supportive and I am still bloody knackered with my 9 month old. It is tiring and you NEED a break.

isitfridayyet1 · 22/04/2018 20:36

I've reccommended this in another similar post to yours OP but have you ever contacted Homestart? They may be able to provide you with a volunteer to help out and maybe assist your mum when she has the baby?

CPtart · 22/04/2018 20:37

I would tell him unless he pulls his finger out sharpish, your marriage is over. And ask him how he'll manage sole care of his son half the week with his excellent 7-7 job?

WeShouldOpenABar · 22/04/2018 20:45

Your dh is extremely unpleasant. DS is 17 weeks and I'm cracking up for some free time and by free time I mean an afternoon or evening swinging my arms because DH takes him as much as he can despite working and EBF. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be.

2andcountingtodate · 22/04/2018 20:47

He is a dick. He is nasty and spiteful. Calling you a bitch and making you feel guilty for just needing an hour to yourself.

It doesnt sound like this is just a hard phase for him though. Whinging that you couldnt help much with diy because you are carrying his child. Prize shit.

An average normal partner would see their loved one struggling and bend over backwards for them. That is a normal not-anything-special thing to do. The minimum. Your husband shouts at you and talks to you like you deserve no respect or consideration.

JustHereForThePooStories · 22/04/2018 20:58

Did he want a baby?

seven201 · 22/04/2018 21:29

Urgh. I hate him. Does he even like his baby? He doesn't sound like he likes you.

Bambamber · 22/04/2018 21:38

So why did he choose to have a baby? Because according to him you don't want your baby if you to hand the baby over to someone else, even just for a shirt period of time. Yet that is exactly what he is doing, he has handed complete care over to you.

He doesn't need to do those jobs now. He can save those jobs for a few months time when things start getting easier. He needs to take the baby between feeds so you can get some rest.

I know someone who behaves a bit like him. Really wanted a family, as long as he could still behave in exactly the same way as before baby arrived which unfortunately his wife didn't find out until baby arrived. I want to punch him in the face

LannieDuck · 22/04/2018 21:51

The part about crying by yourself in another room reminds me a bit of when I had PND. Would it be worth a chat with your GP?

Do you have any friends nearby who you could lean on a bit? Or go to stay with for a few days?

ferntwist · 22/04/2018 21:51

My heart goes out to you. What a horrible way for him to speak to you. The jobs he’s doing aren’t essential - why would he wash the windows and car so frequently and do things like paint the fence himself when you have a tiny baby and you’re desperate for help?

Fishface77 · 22/04/2018 22:12

Op what was he like before? Did he pull his weight?
He’s an abusive piece of shit.
Get your ducks in a row and fuck him of.

Merryoldgoat · 22/04/2018 22:26

I’ve read your updates.

OP - your husband is awful. Seriously think about getting away from him, he’ll grind you down.

He shows you no care or appreciation. He’s utterly vile.

Original poster

Flutist · 22/04/2018 22:35

DH wanted a baby more than I did. He does do his share of cleaning - in fact he cleans things that don't need cleaning because he's totally OCD, and moans about me not being clean enough (I am clean but his standards are ridiculous). He simply will not accept leaving the cleaning for later and has moaned for weeks that I'm not cleaning enough because surely I could do more housework while the baby is asleep (no, because I'm exhausted and I go to sleep). I can't move out - my parents live in a 1 bed retirement flat.

I'm more upset that I'm telling him I need time off and instead of being helped I'm just being called selfish and lazy. I told DH I'm calling the health visitor tomorrow to tell her I can't cope and my DH response to me saying this is just to call me selfish and tell me to grow up, there is no support. So he's now decided to take the baby and run me a bath. Imo because he's terrified she will involve social services or something, not because he's bothered about me.

OP posts:

fc301 · 22/04/2018 22:45

Yes where are the signs that he cares for you at all??
Please don't tolerate being treated so callously. You need to tell him it is wholly unacceptable.

OwlinaTree · 22/04/2018 22:51

for you. Life changes so much with a baby.

I think you need some sort of mediation with your DH. He's just not listening to you at the moment. He could be thinking he's being a great provider, and is angry you are not seeing things that way. He could be frightened of the baby. He could be jealous of the baby. He could be a dick.

A visit to your health visitor sounds like a good idea. Are you able to go to any groups in the day, I found getting out of the house each day made a big difference to how I coped with child care.

Shizzlestix · 22/04/2018 22:59

So he's now decided to take the baby and run me a bath. Imo because he's terrified she will involve social services or something, not because he's bothered about me.

So an ultimatum worked? Good!

The ocd comment explains a lot! But he needs to maybe hear from the health visitor to validate and actually ‘hear’ what you’re saying. He sounds abusive and a nasty little shit, tbh. He can’t hide from his parenting role.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 22/04/2018 23:06

That's really tough OP. You definitely need a break, being on call 24 /7 for anything is too much. Can you talk to your DH when you're both calm and try and dress it up as him having some bonding time with the baby? I know how you feel, am currently breastfeeding a poorly baby throughout the night as she won't take a bottle. Even if I don't take a proper break, knowing i coukd if i wanted would help enormously. It's doing my head in having shit hair as can't leave her for long enough to get it done. Has your DH always been this busy or is it recent? Mine is the same I think he feels like he is contributing, and when he is stressed he does more and more jobs as feels like taking any sort of action helps but then can go a bit overboard (today pressure washed the patio which looks nicer but I wouldn't say is an essential job). Does he get any down time apart from his hobby? Could you write down a list of jobs and agree which have to be done (cooking, fixing things that are dangerous etc) and which although would be nice to have, he can let slide for a but (nice to have a clean car but nothing bad is going to happen if it's not done). Maybe suggest he has some time off as well if he genuinely sees his hobby as work and ensure you get the same time off. Or tell him the doctor has said for your health you have to have a break...he will be left having to look after the baby full time if you have a breakdown from lack of rest! If he sees his hobby as work then can you use the money towards some jobs such as gardening or car washing etc, I know being on maternity leave isn't the best time financially to pay for things like that but time is so precious when you have a young baby. Maybe when the baby is a bit older you can get a 'hobby' where you break even so you can 'financially contribute' at the weekends as well? Whatever happens though he should be trying to understand your perspective and never resort to calling you names

C0untDucku1a · 22/04/2018 23:13

Enjoy your bath. He sounds awful :(

Original poster

Flutist · 22/04/2018 23:13

He does think he's a great provider, and thinks that entitles him to sleep uninterrupted every night and have a day off for his hobby. He's complained that he works and is fixing up the house in his spare time while I do nothing. Except breastfeed, change, burp, play, bath, rock, soothe, sing nursery rhymes etc, all day and all night - which doesn't appear to count, especially not if I do it on the sofa.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flutist · 22/04/2018 23:29

Has your DH always been this busy or is it recent?
He actually spent even more time on his hobby before. At one point early in our relationship I almost broke up with him because he spent so much time on it.

Does he get any down time apart from his hobby?
Watching tv at night after I've gone to bed exhausted at 9.30. If he takes a full day at the weekend to do a hobby then imo that counts as down time.

nice to have a clean car but nothing bad is going to happen if it's not done
Try telling him that. Last week you'd think the world was ending because I tore a tag off new clothes and left it on the bedside table. This morning he had a fit because I picked a bit of dirt off the baby's cheek using my finger instead of a muslin cloth. What if I touch other things and that bit of dirt gets transferred! He doesn't have OCD though, apparently I'm just unhygienic and don't respect my home.

OP posts:

Graphista · 22/04/2018 23:36

What an utter cunt!

Do you jointly own the house?

I'm diagnosed with OCD it's absolutely no excuse to behave the way he is!

Find out where you'd stand if you were to split because honestly I think you're much better off without this pathetic selfish loser!

Ask hv for support services as I really don't see him stepping up consistently ever. In fact I'd say prepare yourself that if/when you split he'll eventually if not instantly disappear from you and baby's life.

He's not interested in being a father beyond the status he thinks it gives him.

What a fucking knob!

Nobody deserves this. Honestly I've been a Lp 15 years and for most of that my ex has been useless or non-existent.

He used to say when we were still together that I'd not cope as a parent without him - he was wrong it was a lot easier!

Graphista · 22/04/2018 23:37

And yea I'd say he does have OCD but that's immaterial unless he gets help for it which I doubt he will.

blackteasplease · 22/04/2018 23:38

Who washes the frickin car anyway? (missed point a bit)

He is busying himself with unnecessary tasks. He can just stop. He is being massively unreasonable and like a pp I also want to shout at him!

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