AIBU to want some time off?

[Flutist]

DS is 3 months old and I'm going absolutely crazy caring for him 24/7. DH is out at work till 8pm five days a week. I have to handle all night wakings because I'm bf and also because DH has to get up for work. DM pops in a few days per week to give me a hand around the house, and I put DS in his moses basket so she can watch him while I have a shower, but I can't leave him because she has arthritis and can't pick him up safely or undo his clothes to change him. There's nobody I can leave him with so I can't have a break.

At weekends I still don't get a break. DH does house maintenance and gardening, washes the windows and the cars, and he says this stuff has to be done so if I want him to look after the baby we'll have to swap and I do his tasks (most of which I can't do because I'm still sore from c-section, I can't lift heavy things and it isn't really a break if I have to spend it washing the windows). Plus he has a hobby which is one evening per week and one weekend day every other week (sometimes every week). I asked him when I get time off so I can do a hobby, and he said it isn't a hobby because he sells the items he makes so it's a job (he probably makes about £4 per hour so it's a hobby imo).

This afternoon I've cried my eyes out because DH was out doing his hobby on Friday night and all day yesterday, and today he washed the cars and fixed a tap etc. The weekend is over and I haven't had a break, and I can see Monday looming and the start of another week where I have the baby all day and night, and DH is out on Friday and Saturday again next week. About 5pm I was hysterical and begged DH to take the baby because I'm about an inch from a breakdown, and he has shouted at me for being selfish because he was in the middle of fixing a tile in the shower and had to stop. He's called me a nasty bitch for saying I needed to get away from the baby and said I dare not moan about the shower not being usable because I've stopped him getting on with fixing it just so I can sit around doing nothing.

I don't think IABU to expect a few hours break at the weekend? So I can have a bath, or get my hair done, or watch tv?

As you've had lots of people telling you he's horrid and to leave, and you haven't responded to that, I'll assume you don't want to, for some reason.
If you want to stay with him - for you to have a happy life, it sounds like he needs to accept he has ocd and get help for it. Is that a possibility?

OP, he sounds awful, and you are a trooper.

I agree with everything pp have said. He is an utter shit. I knew you were going to say he has OCD- type tendencies, but my take on it is that it sounds more like OCPD - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, which unfortunately, if the case, is potentially far more of a problem. If you ever get some time to google, have a read up on it and see if it rings some bells.

In the meantime keep going with the ultimatums. Think about a short stay at your parents if at all poss, even if you are sleeping on the sofa with DS in a Moses basket next to you. He needs a shock. And find out what you might get if you split up.

I don't think I'll leave. I invested my inheritance in the house when we married and will only get half back if we split. I have nowhere to go. I have a tiny baby so can't work, no maternity pay and no job to go back to, and if I find another job I'll be on min wage like before and will still have a baby to look after. Imo doing sole childcare with a well paid husband beats having the same childcare responsibilities while also working a min wage job. DS gets his mum at home instead of being out trying to make ends meet, and he lives in a nice house instead of whatever dump I'd be able to rent on my own. Leaving is simply not feasible and isn't best for DS.

Why if you half own the house do you think it's YOU that would have to leave? Check with a lawyer you may find that's not the case.

And to be frank material matters are less important than your physical and mental health. You carry on like this you could potentially risk both.

You would likely get more than 50% of the assets, as you are the carer for DS, and have lower earning potential. 'D'H's management job and lack of hands on caring for DS will count against him. You might also get spousal maintenance. Possibly enough to get a smaller house/flat. What would getting 60-65% of the assets, plus maintenance, plus tax credits etc look like?

I get what you say about DS having you at home, but do have a think about what influence your DH will be on him, and what he will be learning about relationships.

I have never told anyone to ltb on MN before, but I am very pessimistic about your chances of him changing sufficiently, from what you've said. It sounds like he doesn't see you as a person at all, and that you are just a tool to help him acquire a shiny, pristine house, car etc.

We had a chat tonight where it was clear that DH thinks I already have time off because I watch tv while I bf and sometimes while DS naps if I'm not too tired. I said if he has time off for a hobby I should have the same, and he said I don't have a hobby and I bf so can't be away from DS for too long anyway. Apparently having a bath and getting my nails done etc isn't a hobby, and even if it was, it isn't fair of me to have a hobby that costs money when his hobby earns money.

I said if he can't fit in time to share childcare he'll have to drop his hobby as it requires full day sessions every other weekend. I've now been accused of being mean and not wanting him to be happy because I'm trying to deprive him of his only hobby.

Why if you half own the house do you think it's YOU that would have to leave?
The house is jointly owned but DH pays the mortgage as he's the only one working. Even if I got a job I couldn't pay the mortgage on this house. There's no point in him leaving and me being left with a mortgage I have no way of paying.

Your husband is a selfish abusive bastard.

He should have thought about that before if he wanted to start a family so badly! We all have to sacrifice things when we have small children - what has he sacrificed? And why does his happiness trump yours?

What is it with men and their fucking hobbies?

I am also a hobby widow but at least mine jacked it in while our babies were tiny!

It is really hard OP, it gets easier, I can promise you that, but your OH is a selfish tit. Next time it’s hobby night, if you can do it between feeds, when he gets in hand him the baby and just go out.

What would getting 60-65% of the assets, plus maintenance, plus tax credits etc look like?
I had the deposit and DH had the salary to pay the mortgage. So technically I already paid for virtually all of our equity in the house. Of course we're married now so MY money is OUR money. I'd only get half of my investment back if we split.

Just read your other posts - the man’s a cunt with no redeeming qualities that I can see.

What is this hobby that is making him so rich? Why can't he cut it down to either half a day weekly or full day fortnightly? Which means on the other fortnight you get time out, even if its just to sleep

But he doesn't think his money is joint, does he, hence the comments about your 'hobbies' costing money? I'd remind him that he's earning but your money bought the house so he can stop thinking that puts him in charge. I wouldn't recommend saying that if he wasn't a dick. But he is.

What do you want us to suggest? Seems you've already decided.

it isn't fair of me to have a hobby that costs money when his hobby earns money.

I've now been accused of being mean and not wanting him to be happy because I'm trying to deprive him of his only hobby.

See how there's one rule for him and one for you? You can only have a hobby if it makes money, not just for enjoyment/downtime. Yet if you try to deprive him of his hobby, you don't want him to be happy. So that means he doesn't want you to be happy then, right?

Double standards, because he thinks he is superior to you, and you are there solely to be useful to him.

What would be your chances to retraining to get a better-paid job, once DS is a year old?

He's tied you down good and proper OP, no job to go back to, inheritance money all tied up in the house and you unable to go elsewhere it's no wonder he was pushing for a child. He holds and your trapped. Your post doesn't mention much about love and his only redeeming feature seems to be he holds down a job which pays the bills. Not sure if your up for doing anything to make drastic changes to your relationship as you just seem to be trying to make it one day at a time while your DC is so young.

You're making assumptions about the finances before you've received proper advice. You DEFINITELY need to see a lawyer and get PROPER advice. Ditto regarding benefits - you may be surprised to find it's not as bad as you think.

In addition - you feeling less beholden to him may give you the confidence to say to him "shape up or ship out!"

Not normally a fan of this approach but are his parents in the picture? Would they think his behaviour (inc the name calling) acceptable? If you think they would back you up they may be worth enlisting as allies.

That said - if I were your mother when I was there that time to help you out I'd have given him a right bollocking and telling him what he needs to do!

Right sil - get that babies nappy changed - he's your child too!

Nope X y z excuse can wait you see to that child and don't you DARE leave it all to my dd.

I've even known midwives and health visitors take a similar stance (and he seems to be worried about that possibility too).

But in all honesty if my dd ever ended up with such a shit I'd be telling her to dump him ASAP!

You're making assumptions about the finances before you've received proper advice. You DEFINITELY need to see a lawyer and get PROPER advice. Ditto regarding benefits - you may be surprised to find it's not as bad as you think.

And maybe if he knew that one of the only reasons you're not leaving is because you can't afford to, he might realise what an utter shit he's being. I don't think he will because he clearly likes you dependent and desperate.

So he wanted a baby and was there when baby was made but then decided it was your evil plan to get out of doing diy.
Then he seems to think that he doesn’t have any parental responsibility.
Breast feeding a 3 month old is exhausting, I would rather work 15 hour shifts every single day and have a decent nights sleep than suffer the exhaustion of having a baby again.

1. Do you really want to potentially sacrifice babies mental health growing up in an abusive family in order for him to have a nice home?
2. It’s your house, kick him out. Housing benefit will pay interest on it. If he tries to make you sell courts will stop him as it’s the child’s home. You’ll be able to claim benefits until baby is 3 and then baby can go to nursery and you work.
3. Co-sleep, baby wear, put baby to sleep in Moses basket next to bath. Try to make it easier on yourself.

Mrspratchett - and if he realises he could lose his family AND his home maybe he'll Buck his ideas up! (Not holding my breath here) but mainly I think it would give op the confidence to stop taking his crap treatment.

I would leave in a flash. And yes it would be better as your baby is growing up in an abusive household. Please don't allow it.

You would get half your house, child maintenance and if he wanted a relationship with his child then he'd have to take him. There's your break.

Yea I don't see this guy reliably taking the child for contact. I don't think he really wants to be a father.

Did you buy the house before marriage? Not everything is a 50/50 split my dad got 33%of the equity in the house and he paid for a lot of it

There is nothing to stop busy idiot Disney dad from getting up in the night at weekend or taking the baby downstairs on weekend morning and letting you have a lay-in. It look me leaving my partner with our baby on their own for a day for him to realise how difficult it is.
He's forgetting he is a parent too and whinging about his happiness when you are in survival mode and begging for basic things like a bath without receiving abuse. You might as well be a single parent.