"Drinks rule" is silly or am I being sensitive?

[KungFuPandaWorks]

Hi!
Lost my login to my old account but made a very similar name for this account, So hopefully a few will recognise me.

(Quick run down. Sister kicked niece out over sister's new boyfriend is the crux of it)

In the last 6 weeks, my sister has suddenly wanted a relationship with niece. ( coincidental the reconciliation happened around the birth of baby number 7)
Last night niece went and stayed for the first time since her mum kicking her out, obviously I was wary because my sister is still with her partner who is a dick.

Niece has not long been back, hasn't slept all night because she was helping with the baby (which she says she didnt mind) But a few things stuck out too me, maybe I'm being over sensitive because of the previous situation but I would like opinions.

• a 3 drink rule was put in place. She was only allowed 3 drinks when there (water was included in this) because she can't be drinking all the people's drinks who lives there

• everytime she mentioned me, my child or pregnancy it was made clear by the boyfriend he doesn't want me being mentioned.

• she wasn't allowed a shower or bath because she doesn't live there anymore

• when she was playing with the younger siblings he told her too stop it and go and look after the new baby because that's why she is there.

• Made it obvious he didnt want her there.

• (not really on the best grounds with my sister but it's improved) I got a text about 40 minutes after niece came home, apparently from sister. Asking if neice is planning on making staying over a regular thing, could I start contributing something for when she stays and explain that she must listen,follow and respect what (boyfriends name) says.

She is so excited that her mum is allowing her back around the house and near her siblings, but Im just worried the boyfriend is setting her up to fail. Are the above "rules" Ok? Or am I just being a bitch and not giving him the benefit of the doubt because of last time.

Christ from everything you said originally OP I was assuming your niece was in her late teens, when you said she is 11 my heart broke a little bit. Your sister and her boyfriend are horrendous. I know your niece shouldn't be kept away from her mother and siblings but she also shouldn't be going their for them to treat her as slave labour. Could she meet her mum and sibs somewhere else? Above all I'm really sorry for you both having to deal with this crap. If you've taken your niece in you deserve a freekin medal, what a star! Can't imagine what her mother can be thinking...I'd send you a virtual bunch of flowers if I knew how xxx

Wow what a terrible situation. I completely understand you not wanting to rock the boat but I think you going to have to get stuff sorted out legally. I would only allow contact with her mother alone outside of the home and supervised by you from now on to be honest. It really concerns me that he is picking her out. Is she the only girl? I mean it's totally unacceptable to be doing to 1 or all but the fact that he is only doing it to her seems almost grooming. As PP have said can you look into his past under Sarah's law?

Your doing a great thing OP, it's great that your DN has someone looking out for her.

Oh. My. God. I'm sorry - I don't mean to judge but your Sis behavior is appalling.

On one hand you say "my sister has that mentality that you stick by your man no matter what."

But she has 7 children from 5 different fathers?

You say she's stubborn and won't listen but does she not realize what a hypocrite she is? ... clearly she doesn't care!

My DD is the same age as your DN, and the thought of her going through a fraction of what your DN has been subjected to just breaks my heart .

Thank goodness DN has you!

Also sounds like your sister is in an abusive relationship - or one of many. I would imagine all the children are at risk. Nothing to add to what others have said. What a terrible situation for you all.

Had the meeting! School was fantastic, I filled them in fully in the back story and what I posted her yesterday.

They are going to give DN extra "counselling sessions" (she basically speaks to a member of staff once a week and they discuss her feelings or anything DN wants to get off her chest and boost her self esteem)

They've advised me to also contact SS inform them of what DN said and ask for help with making myself the official guardian of DN. They will also be contacting SS in regards of it all aswell.

I contacted SS, informed them of the name of the last case worker involved and that more things have come too light. They will be getting back involved and that case worker will be ringing back tomorrow for an appointment with me and DN.

I never responded back to the text yesterday and Got a text off my sister today. "how come you didn't write back"
I don't think it's best to engage with her.

Well done
Hope you both get t he help you need now.

I just wanted to add, your instincts are right and your doing the right thing.

Keep your niece at the forefront of any decisions and that will steer you well.

You sister sounds very damaged.

I agree with you. Don't reply to the text, you have no idea if it's her, or him using her phone. Remain detatched, for DN's safety and your sanity.

Honestly? Think your niece should tell her mum and partner to fuck themselves. Especially her mum - clearly boyfriend matters more than her own daughter. Selfish.

If only she were older she could really kick off!

Social needs involvment.

So glad the school are giving you support. I hope it goes well with SS.

Ignore your sister for a bit.

well done OP you are doing the right thing

I feel upset about your 11 niece being subject to these awful abusive 'rules' and she just accepts them and meekly goes crawling back as she's so desperate for any little crumb of attention from your sister.
This is one of the saddest thing I've ever read on MN.
Please take the advice and get the care of your niece formalised.

Nice to hear the school have been helpful again. I hope they made you feel better about contacting SS as well. Definitely carry on ignoring the texts, especially if you're sure they aren't from your sister, but even if they are just in case.

11 oh that poor, poor darling. Thank goodness she has you and has the support of the school. You're wonderful OP, and you sound like you're doing the very best you could. Ignore your sister, no good will come of getting into a to and fro with her. I absolutely agree with pp that you should look into official guardianship, that girl needs you.

OP. I think it's incredibly difficult for you because your DN clearly loves her mum and wants to see her and her siblings. You can't explain why you're so troubled to your DSis because (a) her boyfriend would probably deny the water/shower/baby-only statements and (b) she would stand by him in any case. And until you get legal arrangements in place she could be pushed by her boyfriend into demanding her DN back just for childcare and servant duties.

Is there any way you can accompany your niece on a visit to see her mum and siblings? meet mum and siblings away from BF (though with 5 kids and a baby not easy).

I'm curious as to what else has come to light, we've had a simliar situation here with ss coming out with things we had no knowledge of
Hope everything goes well tomorrow!

It breaks my heart that your DN is being treated like that by her own mum. I'm so happy that she has you on her side and giving her the love and protection that she so obviously needs.

Sister has contacted DN and asked her to stay over Wednesday. I told DN No not ideal on a school night. She took it on the chin and understood why, so luckily no tantrums. Got a feeling my sister will respond back with what about weekend then.

How the hell do I explain to an 11 year old her mum's a selfish mare and her partner is a cockhead so she isn't safe round there.

What an awful situation poor poor girl

Perhaps for the weekend you could suggest a park meet up or just during the day. Saying to your DN you want her back for the night as she needs her sleep too and getting up with her mum and the new baby isn't good for her....so difficult when she must be desperate for her mums attention regardless of the strings attached.

it's hard OP.. but you totally did the right thing... and well done to saying No to your DN.. it might get a tad rocky but you're absolutely doing what is right for your Niece

You are doing great by her. I would deffo see about getting paremtal responsibility for your niece. That way any decisions about her dont rest soley on her mother and step father. As currently he is an acting parent in eyes of the law.

You mean your father and family. Are they aware of whats going on? Could they help with the other kids more. Rather than just your eldest nephew.

She will be ok with lots of love and support. You’re doing a brilliant job. We’ve had to cut contact with brother and sil, thus dds cousin as they’re abusive. Of course somewhat different as it’s a cousin but dd doesn’t have siblings and I had hoped they’d be close. Dd is 9. I talked to her about dh and my decision to cut her aunt and uncle out of her lives and the repercussions of therefore no longer seeing her cousin. She did get it. Lots of love and cuddles. Poor kids. I think the most difficult thing will be maintaining sibling contact.

I am so pleased you are there for your DN.

Someone else suggested this before but I would respond back that if your sister wants to see her daughter then she should come over with the kids and/or meet somewhere neutral. It will very quickly become apparent that your sister wants to turn her into a free babysitter and general dogsbody. Then you’re not stopping your niece from seeing her mother and the ball is in her court to make the effort.