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Original poster

"Drinks rule" is silly or am I being sensitive?

236 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 16:16

Hi!
Lost my login to my old account but made a very similar name for this account, So hopefully a few will recognise me.

(Quick run down. Sister kicked niece out over sister's new boyfriend is the crux of it)

In the last 6 weeks, my sister has suddenly wanted a relationship with niece. ( coincidental the reconciliation happened around the birth of baby number 7)
Last night niece went and stayed for the first time since her mum kicking her out, obviously I was wary because my sister is still with her partner who is a dick.

Niece has not long been back, hasn't slept all night because she was helping with the baby (which she says she didnt mind) But a few things stuck out too me, maybe I'm being over sensitive because of the previous situation but I would like opinions.

  • a 3 drink rule was put in place. She was only allowed 3 drinks when there (water was included in this) because she can't be drinking all the people's drinks who lives there Hmm
  • everytime she mentioned me, my child or pregnancy it was made clear by the boyfriend he doesn't want me being mentioned.
  • she wasn't allowed a shower or bath because she doesn't live there anymore
  • when she was playing with the younger siblings he told her too stop it and go and look after the new baby because that's why she is there.
  • Made it obvious he didnt want her there.
  • (not really on the best grounds with my sister but it's improved) I got a text about 40 minutes after niece came home, apparently from sister. Asking if neice is planning on making staying over a regular thing, could I start contributing something for when she stays and explain that she must listen,follow and respect what (boyfriends name) says.

She is so excited that her mum is allowing her back around the house and near her siblings, but Im just worried the boyfriend is setting her up to fail. Are the above "rules" Ok? Or am I just being a bitch and not giving him the benefit of the doubt because of last time.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 22/04/2018 18:03

You are protecting your dn but what about the other dc in your sisters care, he sounds extremely abusive verbally he maybe also abusive physically and those dc are high risk especially if they are unable to confine in someone. Please speak to SS so they are on their radar.

PUGaLUGS · 22/04/2018 18:03

No 11 year old should be getting up in the middle of the night to help with a baby,

I honestly thought when I read your OP your DN was at least 17/18 and that a three drink rule was with regards to alcohol.

Sheesh please don’t let her go back.

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2018 18:09

Nobody is accusing you of not protecting your DN, OP, you're a brilliant aunt and you obviously care a lot for her and the other children. There is anger in a lot of the posts on this thread, but we're not angry with you, we're angry at the way your sister is choosing her bloke over her DCs. Angry

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 18:11

As far as I am aware SS are no longer involved with my sister.

1st child is always round at my dad's or uncles.
2nd child lives with me.
3rd child their dad is amazing! A major part in their life and a stand up guy.

New boyfriend is only the father too number 7. 4,5,6 their dad's aren't involved.
From what my niece said when this all kicked off, it was only her he had a problem with.

OP posts:
Weezol · 22/04/2018 18:15

When you talk to SS about what happened while DN was at your sister's house I would hope they will reopen the file.

QueenofWhisperz · 22/04/2018 18:17

it sounds like he's gearing up to escalate the abuse; in my limited experience those who want to increase the level of abuse usually go through great lengths to differentiate and ostracise their victims before they begin the abuse.

I'm sorry for the drug store psychology, I am worried for this child.

BuntyII · 22/04/2018 18:20

What the fuck have I just read?? What an evil abusive monster that man is Angry and they want YOU to pay for DN to stay at her own mothers house and act as a babysitter??? This is the second worst thing I've ever read on here and I've read some horror stories. Jesus Christ.

Barmaid101 · 22/04/2018 18:23

I remember reading when your DN got kicked out. Please get official guardianship of your DN, and if I were you I would go for maintenance from your DS or even DN father directly as if I remember you said he at least pays maintenance. I bet he would not be happy knowing he is paying maintenance for 2 children when one of those children is not even living at home. Get the money so that you can start saving for your DN to help with uni etc, as it’s clear her mother won’t help her.

Hisnamesblaine · 22/04/2018 18:24

This is one of the most disgusting things I have ever read on mumsnet. What do your parents make of the situation? I feel sorry for all the children involved. How exactly does she word the text message regarding asking for money?

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 18:26

My worry would be if he doesn’t have your niece to have as his victim, he will target one of the other children. Probably dn 4/5/6. Which one of them is a girl? After the slag comment and targeting a girl in the first place, I would think maybe he doesn’t like females.

Dancingmonkey87 · 22/04/2018 18:27

So your sister has multiple dc to multiple men and all have failed relationships. It looks like this man had come in and is taking advantage of someone who is clearly vulnerable and is throwing his weight around, he’s singled your dn out but there’s no doubt he will target one of the others, abusive men don’t change.

YimminiYoudar · 22/04/2018 18:28

Facilitating this 11yo to spend any further time in such a house would be collusion in child abuse.

Contact between mother and daughter via face time or supervised visits away from the family home would be fine, but that is a terrible environment for a young person and it must not be allowed.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 22/04/2018 18:29

If the HT and school have been helpful previously, and you're hesitant to go back to social services over this, maybe try them again. The HT may well make the call themselves but then at least you'd have better peace of mind that its the right call.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/04/2018 18:31

I also think you need to speak to SS again. Your sister being a selfish dick-worshipper is one thing, but this latest partner sounds dangerous, and I think that possibly the other children are at risk as well. If some of them have a decent father, then he may be able to take them in, but that still leaves the eldest and nos 5 and 6 at risk, because a man who can be this obnoxious towards a little girl of 11 is very likely to start on other children who are not made of his sperm, once they are old enough to answer back.

Viviennemary · 22/04/2018 18:33

Not allowed a drink of water when she wants one. Sounds like child abuse to me and they sound absolutely nuts and not fit to be in charge of children. I'd report them to social services.

MsJolly · 22/04/2018 18:34

Words fail me. I can't understand why he thinks you should pay for her to visit her own home when he benefits from child allowance and maintenance from her dad. They should be paying you! And yes to formalising care and to her not going overnight again. Speak to social services as they should be aware of all that is happening

Echobelly · 22/04/2018 18:34

My worry, among many, is that the reason he might want to kick DN out (assuming she's an older child) is that she might be able to recognise and report on him abusing younger siblings when they are too young to do anything about it themselves.

LemonysSnicket · 22/04/2018 18:38

I’d report them to SS for abuse.

Not allowing water = Abuse
Not allowing a shower = neglect
Making her look after the baby = controlling.

magoria · 22/04/2018 18:38

I am actually worried that your OP asks if this is OK and are you being over sensitive. .Of course it is not.

An 11 year old girl is being deprived of a basic need/water, the ability to clean themselves (that will be fun when she as a period) and sleep.

He is still just flat out abusive. Your sister is still with him over her own daughter. She hasn't changed either.

Please get SS/school involved again and do not let her back there.

Try to explain it to her gently. Poor bloody kid.

LemonysSnicket · 22/04/2018 18:38

Although not sure if you can if she lives with you.
I thought you were going to say 16 and then it’s still horrific

Batmanwearspants · 22/04/2018 18:40

I bet you anything mum is recieveing child benefits for your neice still.

Op you need sound legal advice.

GnotherGnu · 22/04/2018 18:42

Please contact Citizens' Advice and social services about a formal kinship care arrangement and your entitlement to child benefit and child tax credits. And please don't let you niece go anywhere near her mother's home whilst this boyfriend is there.

IntelligentYetIndecisive · 22/04/2018 18:43

Echobelly - My worry, among many, is that the reason he might want to kick DN out (assuming she's an older child) is that she might be able to recognise and report on him abusing younger siblings when they are too young to do anything about it themselves.

This.

Report. Report for all their sakes.

DairyisClosed · 22/04/2018 18:45

Surely leaving an 11 year old in charge of a newborn at night is some form of neglect?

lindyhopy · 22/04/2018 18:47

I think you need to protect the mental health of your niece and not let her stay over. This will not end well and she will have to endure a series of rejections. If you do not have parental responsibility for her you should try to get it. Hope social services are involved for the sake of the other kids. They sound like scum.

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