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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Drinks rule" is silly or am I being sensitive?

236 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 16:16

Hi!
Lost my login to my old account but made a very similar name for this account, So hopefully a few will recognise me.

(Quick run down. Sister kicked niece out over sister's new boyfriend is the crux of it)

In the last 6 weeks, my sister has suddenly wanted a relationship with niece. ( coincidental the reconciliation happened around the birth of baby number 7)
Last night niece went and stayed for the first time since her mum kicking her out, obviously I was wary because my sister is still with her partner who is a dick.

Niece has not long been back, hasn't slept all night because she was helping with the baby (which she says she didnt mind) But a few things stuck out too me, maybe I'm being over sensitive because of the previous situation but I would like opinions.

  • a 3 drink rule was put in place. She was only allowed 3 drinks when there (water was included in this) because she can't be drinking all the people's drinks who lives there Hmm
  • everytime she mentioned me, my child or pregnancy it was made clear by the boyfriend he doesn't want me being mentioned.
  • she wasn't allowed a shower or bath because she doesn't live there anymore
  • when she was playing with the younger siblings he told her too stop it and go and look after the new baby because that's why she is there.
  • Made it obvious he didnt want her there.
  • (not really on the best grounds with my sister but it's improved) I got a text about 40 minutes after niece came home, apparently from sister. Asking if neice is planning on making staying over a regular thing, could I start contributing something for when she stays and explain that she must listen,follow and respect what (boyfriends name) says.

She is so excited that her mum is allowing her back around the house and near her siblings, but Im just worried the boyfriend is setting her up to fail. Are the above "rules" Ok? Or am I just being a bitch and not giving him the benefit of the doubt because of last time.

OP posts:
Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 17:17

What is kinship which a few posters keep mentioning? The only thing I got told when this first happened was keep my head down and don't rock the boat with my sister. The longer niece is under my roof the better it is for me.

I'm worried that if I take action sister will want her back, and I'm not sure if my niece would go back with her because she does love her siblings and mum. But that household and how my sister is, definitley isn't what my niece needs.

OP posts:
mogloveseggs · 22/04/2018 17:17

That is truly awful. The poor love I thought you were talking about an older teen and it's bad enough then!

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 22/04/2018 17:20

My girl is 11 and there is no way a man would come before her.

You sound like an amazing auntie and if I was you I'd discourage her going. It's bound to fail 😡

BrieAndChilli · 22/04/2018 17:22
  1. Get your guardianship of your niece made official.
  2. Then get any benefits/maintenance switched to you - why should you sister be paid to look after a child that she doesn’t!! I’d want to do this not necessarily for the money for myself (although teenagers can be expensive) but more because I couldn’t stand the though of sis and more importantly the partner benefiting from the situation
  3. Is she goes to viisit, send her with labelled drinks and snacks - and go nuclear if the partner drinks them/takes them away
  4. Refuse to pay a penny
  5. Arrange a play date for the sibling to come to yours to play with your niece?
  6. Contact the father. Who knows the real situation there? Maybe the partner is preventing the father from having contact? Whatever he deserves to know the situation his daughter is in. It’s never to late to develope a relationship. I’m not suggesting she lives with him but maybe having another parent in her life will help your niece
  7. Keep all these texts etc and I would contact social services now to let them know the situation. It’s not normal and I would worry about the other kids that aren’t the stepfathers. God know how they are treated?? He probably lets his own kids have everything and the step kids probably have to beg for scraps.
MipMipMip · 22/04/2018 17:24

Please keep the text - that can be used as evidence if your sister wants her back. This is awful!

funnylittlefloozie · 22/04/2018 17:27

Its an awful and blatantly abusive situation for your poor niece. You are a wonderful aunt for stepping up and caring for her. She is lucky to have you. Your sister and her arsehole of a boyfriend are terrible people.

This link might give you a bit more information;
corambaaf.org.uk/fostering-adoption/kinship-care-and-private-fostering/kinship-care

Please speak to the NSPCC or Social Services tomorrow.

Gemini69 · 22/04/2018 17:27

I wouldn't let your 11 year old Niece go over that threshold EVER again.. she is being abused all over again for a CHEAP Child minding service... and I believe you need to get a grip with regards to your loyalties and 'Rocking the Boat' nonsense ... this Sister of yours put a man before her Child.. and you're afraid to ask for the Child Benefit in case your Sister wants her back... should that even be remotely likely I'm sure Social Services would quickly intervene... and if not I'd hope you would call them to intervene... Hmm

You supposed to be protecting this Child OP... start protecting her...

blueskyinmarch · 22/04/2018 17:28

I am a social worker. When we remove children from their parents we can place them in a kinship placement - that is a placement with family members, We then have a duty to support that placement and in my LA we pay kinship carers. However if a child is living with a relative already and has been done as a family arrangement there is no obligation on SW to do anything further if the child is deemed safe and all parties are happy with the arrangement. However in order to safe guard the future of a child we might suggest that the relative caring for the child gets a Residency Order in place through the courts. That then gives you more rights in respect of the child. I work in Scotland so it may be different elsewhere.

NotTheFordType · 22/04/2018 17:28

I have some experience of a similar situation.

It's extremely unlikely that you'd get a fostering allowance.

My advice would be to lean on DN's school pastoral care team as much as possible. Get them to refer DN to CAMHS (I know some areas they are not great but we found them very helpful and responsive when my son was going through some awful shit with his birth mum.)

Your DN really needs some emotional support from someone completely objective who can reiterate to her that this situation is not normal or acceptable.

You should be able to claim child benefit for DN even if there is no formal residence order in place. You just need to declare that she is living with you, and give her previous address and a brief explanation.

(I'm not sure if CTC would work the same way as my earnings were over the threshold to claim for that.)

I think I would have to be prepared to be the "bad guy" here and refuse any further contact in the mum's home. Ask mum to come over and see you, bring the new baby, leave BF at home. Or suggest a meet up in the park, DN can trundle new baby around in the pram, younger kids can play on the swings, followed by visit to McDonalds.

There's no way I'd allow any child in my care to visit a house with such abusive "rules". I actually feel quite tearful just reading about this.

You are doing great things for your DN and even if she pushes back and blames you at the moment, she is 11. When she is older she will realise that you made choices based on her welfare, and she will be grateful.

Dancingmonkey87 · 22/04/2018 17:29

Please report you would never forgive yourself if something happened to the existing dc in the household god knows what goes on when your dn isn’t that and doesn’t report back.

PinotMwah · 22/04/2018 17:32

Thinking about it, I would agree with others that you need to get back in touch with social services.

I'm assuming based on the timeline that the dickhead boyfriend is only the biological father of the most recent baby? (or possibly one other...) In which case there are other children there who are not his and who presumably he is also subjecting to abusive treatment?

DalmatianSpring · 22/04/2018 17:35

So they want more money over and above the maintenance that should be go to you?

Your sister is awful for letting this happen.

Notevilstepmother · 22/04/2018 17:38

So her mum is getting child benefit and maintenance from the father, you are looking after her child for free, and she wants you to give her money to have her daughter overnight, and treat her like Cinderella with an added abusive boyfriend. At 11. Your sister is a CF. Or rather her boyfriend is, as I expect he is behind this.

Ffs. Please call Social Services again, even if it’s just for advice about what happened and talk to her school safeguarding person. Do not let her be treated like this. Xxxxx

bonnyshide · 22/04/2018 17:39

An 11YO didn't sleep all night because she was looking after the baby.
Wasn't allowed to drink when thirsty & not allowed to bath/shower.

Obviously this is abuse, I'm surprised you had to ask.

Notevilstepmother · 22/04/2018 17:39

Obviously the siblings may be at risk too.

grinandtonics · 22/04/2018 17:41

Abusive.

You have a duty to contact social services immediately.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/04/2018 17:44

Poor DN and what a difficult situation. Is the new baby the only child of current boyfriend? If so are the others safe from abuse?

lololove · 22/04/2018 17:48

I'm only near the start so far but felt compelled to offer support.

You really need to make this a formal arrangement for her own safety. You deserve the maintenance and the benefits - how dare the cheeky madam ask for a contribution for her when she's getting three forms of income for her! What a horrible set up all round.

I mean this in the nicest way possible - you really need to get some official support for yourself and for all of those babies or you're going to find yourself a parent of 7 children when each of them fall out with the boyfriend (!)

Valanice1989 · 22/04/2018 17:51

I will never understand how anyone can put their new partner before their children.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 17:51

I'm quite hurt at the few people say I'm not protecting her. Of course I have! I wouldn't have taken her under my wing if I wasn't protecting her. This is the first over night and actual face to face visit with her mum since she kicked her out. The contact has been over FaceTime and phone calls.

She said she didnt want a shower or ask for one anyway but he informed her she wouldn't be doing so if she wanted one.

School have been fabulous over the whole situation, and been there for whenever niece has needed them.

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 22/04/2018 17:54

I reckon he wrote that text not the mother.

northbynorthwesty · 22/04/2018 17:57

You are protecting her . I think previous posters just want you to get that protection formalised and more secure for you both

She’s lucky to have you !

lifetothefull · 22/04/2018 17:58

It doesn't sound like a safe environment for the other children either. SS should be able to help you to know how to go forward .

Notevilstepmother · 22/04/2018 18:00

Of course you are protecting her

Gemini69 · 22/04/2018 18:01

that's good.. so I hope you're not going to allow them to use her again OP .. if you feel you cannot protect her best interests then you must call Social Services.... to help you protect her.. Flowers

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