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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Drinks rule" is silly or am I being sensitive?

236 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 16:16

Hi!
Lost my login to my old account but made a very similar name for this account, So hopefully a few will recognise me.

(Quick run down. Sister kicked niece out over sister's new boyfriend is the crux of it)

In the last 6 weeks, my sister has suddenly wanted a relationship with niece. ( coincidental the reconciliation happened around the birth of baby number 7)
Last night niece went and stayed for the first time since her mum kicking her out, obviously I was wary because my sister is still with her partner who is a dick.

Niece has not long been back, hasn't slept all night because she was helping with the baby (which she says she didnt mind) But a few things stuck out too me, maybe I'm being over sensitive because of the previous situation but I would like opinions.

  • a 3 drink rule was put in place. She was only allowed 3 drinks when there (water was included in this) because she can't be drinking all the people's drinks who lives there Hmm
  • everytime she mentioned me, my child or pregnancy it was made clear by the boyfriend he doesn't want me being mentioned.
  • she wasn't allowed a shower or bath because she doesn't live there anymore
  • when she was playing with the younger siblings he told her too stop it and go and look after the new baby because that's why she is there.
  • Made it obvious he didnt want her there.
  • (not really on the best grounds with my sister but it's improved) I got a text about 40 minutes after niece came home, apparently from sister. Asking if neice is planning on making staying over a regular thing, could I start contributing something for when she stays and explain that she must listen,follow and respect what (boyfriends name) says.

She is so excited that her mum is allowing her back around the house and near her siblings, but Im just worried the boyfriend is setting her up to fail. Are the above "rules" Ok? Or am I just being a bitch and not giving him the benefit of the doubt because of last time.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 22/04/2018 16:59

That poor child..

Glumglowworm · 22/04/2018 16:59

Fucking hell thats horrific

Not allowing her to drink water or shower is abusive.

PerspicaciaTick · 22/04/2018 17:00

If your sister is getting maintenance from DN's father, then WTF should she get more money from you? I realise that maintenance can be derisory, but surely it would cover the cost of some water.
I would also worry that she would not be fed - if they begrudge her the cost of a cup of water then they won't be wanting to pay for food. And if she isn't allowed to wash then next thing the abusive male will be making comments about her smelling and finding new ways to humiliate her...and make no bones about it, having to beg for water is humiliating.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 17:01

I think I haven't done anything "legal" because I don't want to rock the boat. I'm ok with her not paying, aslong as it means I know my niece is safe and under my roof.

I'm glad to know I wasn't being over sensitive, I didn't know if I was being harsh because my view of him is already coloured. I don't want to be the big bad bitch in my niece eye because this is all she's wanted since her mum kicked her out. She knows deep down that it isn't normal, but because she wants her mum she's willing too accept the shitty parts of her Sad

OP posts:
Ratherbehome · 22/04/2018 17:02

Omg. You need some professional advice op. I think you need it make legal that you are your nieces guardian (if you're in a position to do so), and any money her mother is recieving relating to your niece should be going to you. And none of those rules are ok. 11 years old Sad. I thought she would be 18/19 and still found that appalling, but just 11. That's horrible. Do you think the other children are ok?

missymillsysmum · 22/04/2018 17:02

No you are right, this treatment of an 11 year old is not acceptable.

Limiting water and playtime with siblings is abuse (her right to a family life, please don't let this happen. Please also consider these are only the rules that you have been made aware of.

Presumably your sister is still receiving the child benefit for your niece? how could she expect more from you? for her own child that she has washed her hands of.

Please re contact social services if only to make them aware that the contact situation has changed.

OnTheRise · 22/04/2018 17:03

Those aren't rules, they're controlling abuse.

Speak to social services, KungFu. Ask their advice.

Your poor niece. And her poor siblings. I am worried for them all.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 17:03

From what she's told me, my sister was letting her have what ever she wanted food and drink wise. It was the boyfriend putting his foot down, but always did it when sister wasn't around.

OP posts:
MushroomGravy · 22/04/2018 17:03

ould I start contributing something for when she stays and explain that she must listen,follow and respect what (boyfriends name) says.

Shock

Does she really think you owe her maintenance for her own child?

I do recognise your situation though not your name.

Anyway fuck your sick she's a psycho and try to keep the niece out of there if you can. Write all this down. Keep screen shots of texts. Make a journal for yourself, for social services and eventually for your neice for when you sister tries to gaslight her about how you kept dn away from her.

yorkshireyummymummy · 22/04/2018 17:04

I think you are AMAZING for stepping in and giving your poor poor niece love and support. You are doing a great job.
Please call,social services and ensure that DN does not have to endure any more abuse from these awful people. SS should be investigating the welfare of the other children too in all honesty but that’s a new thread. It boils my piss that they will still be getting child benefit etc for her while only allowing her THREE FUCKING DRINKS OF WATER AND NO SHOWER.
I weep for this poor child. You just need to love her, keep strong and protect her from this evil pair and ensure that you get all the support you need from school, SS. etc. Give your DN a big hug from all of us outraged mumsnetters.

FriendlyOcelot · 22/04/2018 17:04

Omg, this is one of the saddest things I have read in the 14 years I’ve been using Mumsnet.

anothersoddingcold · 22/04/2018 17:04

Oh Gosh that poor child, how must that feel at 11 years old. I think you need to protect her from this and inform SS that it has happened. Don't let her stay over and if your sister wants to rebuild a relationship she can do so by meeting her daughter at yours or by taking her out somewhere.

RB68 · 22/04/2018 17:05

He is using her for childcare to absolve him of any caring responsibility
He is being emotionally abusive
Physically abusive in terms of no washing, no drinks - did they feed her or did she have to bring a pack up ffs

If he can do this to her what about the younger children? What is he doing to them. He is not a suitable person to have charge of children

How is he treating your sister?

I seriously think you need to involve SS

Sorry but it is all kinds of not right - she sounds quite mature but at 11 she is incredibly vulnerable

Ratherbehome · 22/04/2018 17:05

Sorry just read your latest post. There are reason s apart from money that I think you should make it legal. Firstly to give your niece a bit more security and secondly just in case the mum and bf decide they want a live-in babysitter....I'd be worried about them doing something like that.

Ratherbehome · 22/04/2018 17:06

Also tbh feel worried about your sister. The bf sounds like a nasty piece of work. But the 11 year old is the priority of course as she's just a child.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 22/04/2018 17:08

Holy shit. She doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with her dd. Poor lass.

Bekabeech · 22/04/2018 17:09

You need to make a fuss with SS - get them to formalise the "kinship care" you provide for your niece. You also need them to give advice concerning contact with her Mother.

You may need to make a big fuss as they are strapped for resources.
BUT they already seem somewhat negligent in not having investigated further, as I would worry about the other children in that home. They need at least to give you advice and a formalised way of arranging contact. (Try to get them to give DN a referral to CAHMS, it might work coming from SS.)

Dancingmonkey87 · 22/04/2018 17:09

For the sake of your niece don’t let her return and contact social service the other dc are at risk of abuse.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 17:10

If you're planning on having your niece to stay for good, can you get some sort of kinship fostering allowance, even if you put it by for your niece for later?

Sonotcivil · 22/04/2018 17:13

Report again to social services, this is not right!
You need to sit down with your niece and explain what has happened is not normal, and that even though she wants t be part of her mums life, this is not a safe or normal thing to be happening.

FlyingElbows · 22/04/2018 17:13

You're not being "harsh" or "over-sensitive" in any way, op. What you've described is not normal at all. As pps have already said you need professional help for this. Sometimes, for the child's wellbeing, you need to rock the boat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 17:14

Oh my god. I just want to scoop your niece up. Poor girl and excited to be allowed back in the house 😢. I’m in shock. Not that this thread is about me. This is serious abuse. I’m going to read your other thread. Are the other children safe?

GlitterGlue · 22/04/2018 17:14

Eleven? Christ, I thought you were going to say late teens - and even then it wouldn't have been right.

Sadly, I don't think you can allow her to stay there again. And for the sake of the other children I'd say there does need to be involvement from the health visitor and/or social services.

wooster16 · 22/04/2018 17:15

My god, I can’t believe what I’m reading. That poor child! You need to involve social services. Please. X

Weezol · 22/04/2018 17:16

Go back to social services. Tell them everything and start the ball rolling to get a residence order etc. You should be in reciept of her child benefit and her CM as you are now in the 'resident parent' role.

Social Sevices need to be aware of and involved with your sister's kids.

I remember your previous threads. You are an outstanding human being Panda. Please do anything you can to keep her and yourself safe and away from them.

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