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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Drinks rule" is silly or am I being sensitive?

236 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 16:16

Hi!
Lost my login to my old account but made a very similar name for this account, So hopefully a few will recognise me.

(Quick run down. Sister kicked niece out over sister's new boyfriend is the crux of it)

In the last 6 weeks, my sister has suddenly wanted a relationship with niece. ( coincidental the reconciliation happened around the birth of baby number 7)
Last night niece went and stayed for the first time since her mum kicking her out, obviously I was wary because my sister is still with her partner who is a dick.

Niece has not long been back, hasn't slept all night because she was helping with the baby (which she says she didnt mind) But a few things stuck out too me, maybe I'm being over sensitive because of the previous situation but I would like opinions.

  • a 3 drink rule was put in place. She was only allowed 3 drinks when there (water was included in this) because she can't be drinking all the people's drinks who lives there Hmm
  • everytime she mentioned me, my child or pregnancy it was made clear by the boyfriend he doesn't want me being mentioned.
  • she wasn't allowed a shower or bath because she doesn't live there anymore
  • when she was playing with the younger siblings he told her too stop it and go and look after the new baby because that's why she is there.
  • Made it obvious he didnt want her there.
  • (not really on the best grounds with my sister but it's improved) I got a text about 40 minutes after niece came home, apparently from sister. Asking if neice is planning on making staying over a regular thing, could I start contributing something for when she stays and explain that she must listen,follow and respect what (boyfriends name) says.

She is so excited that her mum is allowing her back around the house and near her siblings, but Im just worried the boyfriend is setting her up to fail. Are the above "rules" Ok? Or am I just being a bitch and not giving him the benefit of the doubt because of last time.

OP posts:
QueenofWhisperz · 22/04/2018 16:46

This girl is 11 and deserves to be loved for who she is, deserves a happy childhood and needs to see her value.

Is there a way you can be granted full custody of your niece? Your sister sounds awful.

11 is a special age, old enough to be quasi independent at home and on the brink of the teen years--she is a child, she is more than childcare.

I was so desperate to be loved by my mother, I would do anything for her. I remember myself looking after my siblings where I should have been loved for who I was, not for what I was capable of providing. Your sister sounds like a weak and stupid person. Your niece sounds caring and seems like she wants to be part of her family. Please don't let anyone mistreat her.

PerspicaciaTick · 22/04/2018 16:46

Please don't send her back into that abusive environment. She is worth so much more than being treated like that. Contact with her siblings should be a fun afternoon playing in the park, not overnight nannying a newborn while having every drop of water counted and held against her.

notapizzaeater · 22/04/2018 16:46

Wow, last time I checked water was free out of a tap ( or pennies it on a meter).

I really hope SS are involved and if not you need to get them involved. They just want a free babysitter. He sounds a right divk and as for her .....

Lizzie48 · 22/04/2018 16:47

That really is abusive, only allowing her 3 drinks while she's at their house is disgraceful. And making her be a nanny at age 11?? That's wrong at all sorts of levels. Social Services should be involved.

It's great that you're there for her, OP.

youngnomore · 22/04/2018 16:47

I feel so so sorry for your niece. The rules are beyond disgusting and absuse imo.

kimlo · 22/04/2018 16:48

she was only allowed 3 drinks, did they feed her properly?

musketeersmama · 22/04/2018 16:49

I actually felt like crying when I realised your niece is 11, like others I assumed she was nearly an adult. Poor love. I'm glad she has you to care for her and give her a better life, you're doing a wonderful thing. Keep protecting her💐

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 16:49

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2969243-In-thinking-Dsis-should-put-DN-first

This was part one of the saga, my sister than actually slapped my niece after the boyfriend and her had a disagreement. She kicked my niece out until she apologised to the boyfriend!

SS was involved, but closed the case due to me stepping in deemed niece safe. No my sister doesn't pay anything, I don't receive any benefit for her.

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 22/04/2018 16:49

Good lord. She kicked her 11 year old daughter out?! That poor girl Sad

The "rules" are awful. Can you work with SS to have visits to her mum as a more formal arrangement? So she can't take the piss and expect money from you to care for her own daughter for a few hours!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 22/04/2018 16:50

I wouldn’t let her go.

I would explain to her why, but it wouldn’t be negotiable.

I know your sister is her Mum, but you know neither of them are good for her to be around, it’s abuse and will get worse. If you have to be the ‘bad guy’ to keep her safe (mentally more than anything) then that’s what you have to do. Sadly.

I can’t remember what your legal situation is with her, but if you’re not already legally her guardian you need to be.

Nor can I remember if she’s getting any outside help, but she needs to be. She needs someone to back up your position on this and someone neutral she can talk to.

Poor wee love.

Livinglifepeachy · 22/04/2018 16:50

Oh my god don't let her ever go there again!! That is cruelty pure evil! Bless her she must be protected

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 22/04/2018 16:51

And no her father isn't involved in her or her brothers life, useless twat although pays maintanece I believe.

OP posts:
TotHappy · 22/04/2018 16:52

Fucking hell, this is so horrific. I'm particularly worried by the 'make sure she knows she has to respect and obey what boyfriend says' - since he appears to regard her as a slave, this could be grooming her for anything. She's ELEVEN. She should not be exposed to that sort of shit and nor should her siblings. I dont know if the care systems better but fuuuuck I would not trust that man with kids. And your sister clearly can't be trusted to protect them.

Miranda15110 · 22/04/2018 16:53

OMG, get SS involved and arrange formal contact for her with siblings. She shouldn't be allowed into this damaging and abusive environment without proper supervision. What a bastard this guy is. Not too be trusted. Prob psychology abusing your sister too.

BewareOfDragons · 22/04/2018 16:53

Please call social services.

Let them sit down with your niece and talk to her about how her role is not to be her mother and her mother's boyfriend's babysitter while being treated like a 3rd class citizen in their home. Not her home. Their home.

Please go for permanent guardianship.

Anditstartsagain · 22/04/2018 16:54

I wouldn't be letting her do any over nights sounds like she is being used as an unpaid babysitter and treated like a second class citizen to boot. Contact would be limited if it was my niece.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 22/04/2018 16:55

Exactly what annieanonimouser said.

How bloody cruel. It is abuse. You need to keep her away from it.

Your sister is no mother. She is a monster and so is the so called man she's living with. If you let her go back the damage will be irreversible, if it isn't already. Where is her Father?

blueskyinmarch · 22/04/2018 16:55

If she is in your care you need to be claiming the child benefit for her.

OohMavis · 22/04/2018 16:56

This is absolutely horrific. You need SS involved here, they can't just wash their hands of you. Make a fuss, make the living arrangements official. This girl needs you.

Screaminginsideme · 22/04/2018 16:56

You should be getting that Maintenance for her OP. They are committing fraud if they are keeping money but not carrying for her!!!!

PinotMwah · 22/04/2018 16:56

This is so wrong I don't know where to begin. And the fact you have to ask the question, as someone else said, suggests you're used to being very poorly treated.

I'm inclined to agree with Annie that she neice shouldn't in an ideal world be going there at all although I can see that its more complicated than that and that you and she want her to keep a relationship with her mum.

She obviously isn't going to listen to your views on the boyfriend (who sounds like a grade A piece of shit, by the way) so you may have to take a neutral stance. But I think on other things, such as the three-drink rule etc you have to be fairly hardline and say that if your sis is going to make demands like this her daughter won't be able to visit. If the relationship is to be maintained some boundaries need to be established.

Nanasueathome · 22/04/2018 16:56

So does your sister claim child benefit and maintenance for her and then keep the money for herself rather than pass any in to you for the care?

Missingstreetlife · 22/04/2018 16:57

Sure you could get child benefit for her. Look into guardianship or residence order, social services should support you.

bonnyshide · 22/04/2018 16:57

Abusive.

Don't let her in that house.

If your sister wants her to see her siblings she should meet outside the house.

Abusive BF hates you because you are the only one not under his control and likely that call him out on his behaviour.

Your poor DN, she is just a little girl who doesn't understand why her DM is rejecting her.

Madonnasmum · 22/04/2018 16:59

This is horrendous and ss need to be involved for your niece and the other 6 kids (unless some are adults/No longer in the home).

They clearly want to use her as a child slave and for you to pay them for the privilege. Not good on any level.

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