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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
TomHardyswife · 23/05/2018 07:52

I agree with Luisa27 that mutual friend is coming across as a bit two faced in a way. However we actually don't know what her responses are to the potential other woman. She could be advising her to stay away etc.

IMO the mutual friends loyalty.. Or seeming lack of it is a seperate issue that comes secondary to the main issue.

I also wouldn't speak to the other woman as suggested previously. And other than perhaps drop some major hints to the DP that he needs a reality check, I wouldn't expect or ask mutual to speak to the DP about it either. This reality check needs to come from you, Butt. How you go about it, is up to you.

OP I agree with the PP that giving him enough rope to hang himself and watching from the sidelines isn't the best way about it if you want to save your relationship.

Cuppaoftea · 23/05/2018 07:53

The friend, woman and butt's DP are all work colleagues. Their work environment is a creative, gallery type space, they need to be friendly. And perhaps the friend and woman have always just naturally got on well since she joined or are the two a similar age/same stage of life etc. It sounds like butt's DP is senior to both women so all of that puts the friend in a very difficult position really.

Getting involved at all was a big step as she'd likely be worried butt wouldn't receive her interference well, may not believe her, she could damage their friendship as well as piss off the DP. She's probably done the best she can with it, quietly letting butt know of her concerns, being happy for him to know she's spoken to butt and indicating to the woman she isn't impressed she's prepared to pursue something with him.

What more can the friend do.

Beaverhausen · 23/05/2018 08:04

Apologies in have not read all 31 pages.

Personally I would do one of two things.

If you do not want to confront your partner, you need to up your game I.e your appearance etc being the perfect little woman and obviously we all know the way to a man's heart is through his crotch.

Secondly confront him with the emails and ask him if there is anything the two of you need to discuss.

Laiste · 23/05/2018 08:05

Just about everyone reading this wants you to do something Butt, either because it's a knee jerk pride reaction thing - ''i'd bloody well do x, y, z to him!!! ect'' - or because it'd be the quickest way to change the status quo, and we're all feeling bad for you as things are and want it to change. I'm guilty of it myself!

I can see why you're doing things the way you are and i know from experience that we are often wrong about how we would actually react to a real situation once it happens to us. (my experience was with physical danger, but the same principle applies).

Anyway, something struck me reading one of your recent posts - you seem certain they haven't disclosed their feelings to each other. How much store are you setting upon this? Is that a line in the sand? I mean, would you feel much differently about the email exchange and all the other things in the light of them both being aware of how the other felt?

You see, personally that's how i've been viewing this all along. With them knowing. Because I think it's quite impossible that he doesn't know she fancies him and vice versa and all around. We all have that little radar, especially in an every day situation. They both know. And they both know they know. Nothing needs to have been said out loud and within this knowledge she's decided not to keep her distance and he's behaving more and more strangely and sending nuanced messages.

Are you thinking more that their actions are going on in a bubble of ignorance about how the other feels? That isn't how i see it.

TomHardyswife · 23/05/2018 08:08

Laiste has a good point. How do you know they haven't disclosed their feelings to each other?

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 08:10

Well yes I suppose Cuppa...

It’s just something about it doesn’t feel right to me....I get the friend “quietly letting Butt know of her concerns” bit - I really do. However, the extreme detail and incredibly nuanced description of looks, laughs, lingering stares, snippets of emails - how office woman feels about Butt’s DP, how DP stares after her, walks into pillars, looks up whenever he hears office woman’s heels etc etc - for me that goes above and beyond the “quietly letting Butt know” territory
I’m maybe way off with this - it just doesn’t sit right with me.

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 08:15

Poor Butt - she’s going to get up to a barrage of posts.
We’re all with you Butt 💕

Butterymuffin · 23/05/2018 08:17

They both know. And they both know they know.

Absolutely. Even if they haven't said so out loud, there's no way either of them believes this is a one sided crush. That's part of what makes it so dangerous. Sorry OP.

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 08:37

Have to say, I do understand totally why Butt isn’t ‘doing something’.

To me Butt seems very confident in her own physical attractiveness, especially and particularly, as far as her DP is concerned ( correct me if I’m wrong Butt x). I feel this way too, with my DH and would probably be reacting in exactly the same way as Butt.

If my DH wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn’t fight for his attention, I’d probably sit back in a slightly masochistical way and observe - my concern is that perhaps this is would be the wrong path to take?

Beaverhausen · 23/05/2018 09:15

No doubt Butt's DP will come to her in a few months time "sorry Butt but I kinda fell in love with some else while you passively sat around doing nothing".

i would be very careful in believing the emails sent to you OP whether it is a mutual friend or not, people can be devious and you just never know.

But it is your choice so sit by and make yourself get more and more anxious email after email.

silverstarling1 · 23/05/2018 09:23

I feel like it’s a bit shady towards the other woman so if i was her I’d probably question the friendship but I guess we don’t know what the friend is saying back to the other woman

silverstarling1 · 23/05/2018 09:30

Oh sorry I didn’t realise there was a whole page between my reply and the previous post Grin

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 09:32

😂

saiya06 · 23/05/2018 10:20

PinotMwah is right.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 23/05/2018 17:42

To clarify on my friend...Cuppa is right, and they made friends when she first started and the my partner thing was only mentioned about 2 months ago

Just going through reading all the posts since last night

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 23/05/2018 17:44

'If you do not want to confront your partner, you need to up your game I.e your appearance etc being the perfect little woman and obviously we all know the way to a man's heart is through his crotch.'

I don't know if that was supposed to be tongue in cheek, but that would be a solid no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 23/05/2018 17:48

Laiste, that was a really helpful post, thank you. And I think there's something in it

'
You see, personally that's how i've been viewing this all along. With them knowing. Because I think it's quite impossible that he doesn't know she fancies him and vice versa and all around. We all have that little radar, especially in an every day situation. They both know. And they both know they know. Nothing needs to have been said out loud and within this knowledge she's decided not to keep her distance and he's behaving more and more strangely and sending nuanced messages.

Are you thinking more that their actions are going on in a bubble of ignorance about how the other feels? That isn't how i see it.'

That IS how I see it. That they've not said anything to each other so it's not real/a thing ever/yet until they do. For some reason that didn't actually occur to me...I don't know why. Your words have hit me though

OP posts:
lindyhopy · 23/05/2018 18:36

Oh OP I really feel for you being in this shitty situation. The problem with waiting back and hoping that it will fizzle out/ that he will choose you is that it won't fizzle out. I have been in a similar situation with a work colleague it was so obvious that we were attracted to each other that people used to comment on it but we were both in relationships at different times. Nothing ever happened but the feelings were so strong and lasted over 3 years until I got a new job. The feelings last so long because you are seeing the best version of that person for a few hours a day and none of the mundane day-to-day stuff that a relationship has.

From what you have said about your DP I really don't think he will lose these feelings and they may even grow as they get to know each other more. As they are in a niche job I also don't see them getting new jobs soon either. Can you really put up with this for a long time? If they don't have an affair now they may do in the future and his feelings could go on for years.

I would strongly suggest you speak to DP again and let him know how much this is hurting you. Also, as another poster has suggested, work on your own life- work on your career, friendships, hobbies being independent etc.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 23/05/2018 19:40

Hi lurker since the beginning here. In an impartial observational way, on a technicality, they both had time away him visiting parents and her doing whatever with the elderly. Could they not have communicated without observation freely during that time frame. I don’t have any amazing advice, and am hoping you have a positive outcome for yourself and your family. However with that space on the timeline I wouldn’t commit to the fact that ‘they dont’ know they know’ iykwim.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 23/05/2018 21:59

I am reading, just not got a minute to reply properly. Thanks both

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 22:12

Ah yes I see Butt - so your friend became friends with office woman before any of the ‘thing’ cane to light?
Yes that makes more sense now - it probably gradually dawned on your friend what was happening and by then it was too awkward to distance herself from office woman.
I still hope it will fizzle out, he’s not a total idiot and I suspect he’s seeing this as a flirtatious distraction and not real life. I hope this is the case Butt

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 24/05/2018 13:10

I think that's it with too awkward to distance. I know she genuinely likes this woman too which makes it harder

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 24/05/2018 15:13

I think it might be more appropriate to say ‘he’s turned his head’ rather than implying it’s the woman’s fault for ‘turning his head’ His head is his own responsibility, not anyone else’s.

True, unless she is 'Circe'!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 24/05/2018 15:32

Yeah, thanks. Read the thread. No where have I ever said its her fault

OP posts:
Louislovesmud · 24/05/2018 16:22

Deathraystare if he turned his head that's quite a different meaning! The OP has used a common idiom, but she's been very clear that the colleague is not the person she is blaming here.

OP, I can't help but agree with the PP (I think Laiste?) who said that he's playing with fire because he's convinced himself nothing is actually happening. I worry that by waiting for something to actually occur means this will continue to torture you for quite some time. I hope he checks himself, realises just how much hurt he's causing and treats your relationship with the respect it deserves.

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