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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/05/2018 05:40

He has a hobby but not that takes him out of the house

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 26/05/2018 08:56

I am going to go against the grain here, and say that from reading what you have written I can see the perspective of him just not going into details rather than lying. Especially as you say that would be like him not to.

Am I right when I say he introduced her to the other 'line manager' (I appreciate that this is not the term used), then they had an informal standing up meeting, he stood by quietly and didn't participate, and then the move happened miraculously quickly? Could it be that he really had nothing to do with the final move, but it is the case that this new manager was very keen to move her to the new role, and is much more efficient than the other manager so organised it much more quickly?

Cuppaoftea · 26/05/2018 09:00

So basically he fell over himself getting her an immediate meeting with the boss so she could move to a role where he's her senior manager. And now has an excuse to check in with her every day, do her lots of favours, lunch to discuss clients next?

Working physically further away from her in the office is neither here nor there, they can legitimately be in constant flirty email contact without your friend observing anything.

And then he lied to you about his involvement even while you were reminding him of your feelings. He's actively pursuing an affair knowing you have some knowledge of it! Where's his respect for you?

He wouldn't still be living in my house that's for sure.

Motoko · 26/05/2018 10:26

He said she'd had a meeting with the head of the gallery and didn't know more than that.

So, he blatantly lied.

and he said he could help so why wouldn't he and he'd do it for anyone

But if it was all innocent, why did he lie about not knowing anything more about it? If it was innocent, (and he didn't fancy her) he'd have said at the outset, something like "I though x would be good in that role, so set her up a meeting with the manager".

XiCi · 26/05/2018 13:07

You sound lovely OP and I think this is one of the reasons that I find this thread so painful to read. To me, from reading your posts it seems that he is blatantly taking the piss out of you and you, understandably, are desperately trying to excuse him and think of ways it could all be innocent. And the lies continue. If they are behaving so flirtatiously in front of your best mate can you imagine what they are like when alone? And now he has gone out of his way to move her to his department.
What worries me most about your situation is that you seem completely unable to communicate effectively with him. Why are you not able to say look, I know whats been going on,, I know you walked into a post whilst staring at her, you're making a fool out of yourself and a mockery out of our relationship and is has to stop. I know you don't want to play 'pick me' but sometimes we need a jolt from someone we love when we're behaving badly instead of just being left to career into disaster

silverstarling1 · 26/05/2018 14:07

I agree with XiCi, he may be still the same lovely person to you, feel like nothings changed in your relationship and maybe you don’t believe he could really do that to you, but people do

ReallyWTF · 26/05/2018 18:08

Are you doing anything with him over the weekend OP?

I have to admit, I couldn't carry on as usual if I were you, especially after the lying. It sounds like only a matter of time before he discards you I'm afraid. He's simply getting his replacement romantic ducks in a row.

I'm sorry :(

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/05/2018 18:54

ReallyWTF what makes you so sure regarding the disgarding?

And yes, normal weekend - shopping and park today and visiting my family all together tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/05/2018 18:57

Cuppa, thankfully it's not that kind of environment with lunches to discuss clients. Everyone eats as they work usually. I'm not overly concerned about the contact level as he's still as removed as he was before, nothing should change in that regard

OP posts:
Lazypoolday · 26/05/2018 19:37

ReallyWTF what makes you so sure regarding the disgarding?

I'm not that poster but it's obvious to many here how this is likely to pan out. I've read many similar threads over the years, they all go the same way and I've been involved in a workplace flirtation myself that led to me leaving my partner at the time.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/05/2018 19:44

I know I probably sound really naive but what does make you so certain that's how it'll end up and not just a flirtation/distraction?

OP posts:
Lazypoolday · 26/05/2018 20:03

Well no one can be certain of course. But the fact that he has lied to you about the situation is a bad sign. If it was innocent then why lie? He seems to have gone above and beyond to get her this new role or am I misunderstanding ? Why would he do that and then lie to you about it?

silverstarling1 · 26/05/2018 20:26

If their stuck in the same work every day it’s like their being tied together in some ways, and it’s unlikely the feelings will just drop all of a sudden especially if she’s ‘not planning to stay away’ their probably both thriving off the fact they both find eachother attracted and drawn to eachother. I just feel your going to end up feeling worse and worse unless she miraculously leaves the job

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/05/2018 20:32

I don't think that stands any chance of happening. I know she'd been trying to get a job there for a while

OP posts:
Weezol · 26/05/2018 20:44

You talk about the office culture a lot, no going out for lunch, you can't just pop in because of security, there won't be any one to one meetings. How do you know this? Did you work there or is he telling you it's like this?

I'm finding it difficult to continue reading this thread tbh. You sound so lovely and he's taking the piss.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/05/2018 20:49

It's not an office so not the norm office culture wise but also obviously my friend works there too and it's been said by both of them

OP posts:
Robin233 · 26/05/2018 21:45

If you was doing something that was hurting your dp , and he asked you to stop what would you do......?
Now it's his turn .,,
Stand firm x

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 26/05/2018 21:53

He doesn't know I know as much as I do and I can't tell him I know as that'll get my friend in trouble. I also don't want if/when something happens for my information supply to be shut off

OP posts:
ReallyWTF · 27/05/2018 13:52

Hi OP.

He's lying, he's openly making a fool of himself at work and disrespecting you, he's not backing off from her, take your pick. This isn't going to go away sadly OP.

Why aren't you married btw?

Laiste · 27/05/2018 18:11

He doesn't know I know as much as I do

Do you mean specifically that he doens't know your friend is a 'spy'?

A month ago you wrote this:
he said he does find her attractive and gets the vibe that it's mutual.

He admitted the eye thing and that they both sort of try to avoid each other because of it. They've never actually had a conversation about it, just surface level stuff and stuff about work. Never been alone together etc. I am gutted that he feels it's enough to have to try and stop himself looking at her.

Since then she's decided not to bother keeping her distance and he's been sitting in on meetings for her promotion and been ... non-committal about that when asked.

You know i'm thinking I don't think there's much you have to lose by exposing your friend at this point. It would make life very awkward for her at work mind you. For your DP to find out she's been watching him. A window on what's going on is bitter sweet. You'd be in blissful ignorance and still have no idea about any of this if the mutual friend wasn't there. I wonder how long this will go on? I'm wondering - what do you think would prompt you to act? What would you do?

Flowers and Wine OP anyway.

ReallyWTF · 27/05/2018 19:42

I don't think there's much you have to lose by exposing your friend at this point.

I agree. She can still watch and report. If he reduces his overt contact with OW as a result, then so be it. If his contact with OW becomes more covert as a result, then so be it. You aren't privy to his covert dealings with her anyway - which he is almost definitely having.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:02

I can't do it to my friend, I'd be jeopardising her professionally as he is her direct senior manager.

Laiste....a month ago. I can't actually believe it's been that long which is a little horrifying. I don't know if I'm being masochistic and I'm actually now seeing this as some sort of test...that I really want him to pass

I was silly and had a look at her social media. She's even prettier than I remembered :sad:

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:03

To answer what would prompt me to act...Something physical and we are done

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:04

Regarding why aren't we married - neither of us were overly bothered about ever getting married, though if he asked I would say yes

OP posts:
GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 20:10

I can't understand why you haven't spoken to him. I think it's very telling that you see this as a test he has to pass rather than as something you very obviously need to discuss. All you have to go on is the word of your friend. I just find this whole thing so bizarre - if a friend of mine was constantly dropping details of my DH's apparent flirtation with a colleague the first thing I would be doing is talking to my DH, finding a resolution, working through the problem.

I agree with PPs that you sound like a nice person but I also think it's inexplicable that you've had this discussion with a bunch of strangers on the internet but not your actual partner.