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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:

Luisa27 · 24/05/2018 16:25

Yes - actually Butt has been at great pains (very generously IMO) to absolve the office woman of any blame Deathraystare

caperberries · 24/05/2018 21:41

Have you read any Hemingway, op? A moveable feast? Your situation reminds me of it

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 24/05/2018 21:59

I haven't read that one but I'll Google it...happy ending?

OP posts:

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 19:15

I cracked and brought it up again

I told him mutual friend has mentioned that woman has had her role changed and he agreed that had happened. Mutual said he'd been instrumental in it so I queried how that happened as it usually takes time and not two days. He said she'd had a meeting with the head of the gallery and didn't know more than that. He said he was pleased for her as she'll be much happier

I didn't tell him I knew he was lying but I did keep hearing Laiste saying how he has convinced himself to he's doing nothing wrong

OP posts:

Cuppaoftea · 25/05/2018 20:22

I didn't tell him I knew he was lying

You should.

'When Friend told me Woman had had her role changed she mentioned you arranged and sat in on the meeting. Why did you just lie about that?'

If you don’t have honesty from him on the situation with her do you really have a relationship worth saving?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 25/05/2018 20:31

Will the role change move her further into his orbit or out of it? Could be he's trying to create more distance between them. But I would also ask why he felt the need to lie.

silverstarling1 · 25/05/2018 20:31

You should have told him you knew he was lying 100%

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 20:37

I think that's what I find so jarring. He's still the same lovely man to me... I don't get it

I asked him like you said and he said he could help so why wouldn't he and he'd do it for anyone

My friend said she never known such a quick move. From how he said it, I think he does genuinely believe he's doing nothing wrong

I said that considering he knew how I felt and that he's said he thinks she's attractive then do you think this is appropriate and he repeated the above

OP posts:

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 20:44

By the sounds of it no real change. He has more to do with the area she'll be moving to but still have a different manager.

I don't want to say much but it's kind of like this

Woman > manager > senior manager (partners level) currently

The move will mean

Woman > manager > senior manager dp

So they'd have no real change in contact but he's had to liase with the other senior manager to do it

OP posts:

WickedLazy · 25/05/2018 20:49

I had this with my ex. I was standing behind him and a girl (about 17), they didn't know I was there. They were standing really close and laughing. As soon as my ex caught my eye, they sprung apart, although they hadn't been doing anything. I always know when he fancies someone. I predicted he would try to steal his mates gf, based of a few glances, and a week later they proved me right. Go with your gut, my ex was a cheating bastard, but your dh hopefully has more self control! It's okay to look, we all do, and maybe even flirt a tiny bit, as long as it doesn't go too far. Texting about non work related things etc.

Cuppaoftea · 25/05/2018 20:51

I think he does genuinely believe he's doing nothing wrong

I'm afraid I don't believe that.

The email 'open to anything . . . really good to know', the chats, the lingering looks . . . he knows or he wouldn't have lied to you about his involvement in her job change. He's got his excuses ready.

The question is how deep the lies go. I realise you can't tell him about the email and other details your friend has passed on. I would say 'DP I know when you're lying, I know there's more to this than you're telling me. Stop trying to treat me like a fool, what do we have if we don't have honesty. I love you and am completely faithful to our relationship, can you say the same?'

throwcushions · 25/05/2018 21:11

I agree with Cuppa. He's lying to you, so he knows what he's doing is wrong. If anything he's getting closer to her.

Also, I find it strange that she said she "won't try to keep away from him any more". Especially to someone she isn't a very close friend of. It suggests to me he was openly pursuing her and she was trying to keep a distance but "gave in".

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 22:06

throwcushions 'If anything he's getting closer to her' ?

OP posts:

throwcushions · 25/05/2018 22:11

Flirty messages in emails, helping her out at work. It suggests to me that he's not distancing from her. Probably the opposite, really.

Weezol · 25/05/2018 22:17

Am I understanding this means he is now her line manager?

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 22:20

Part of me - the rational part - realises that that is part of his job...but he could have passed her to her direct manager who takes months to do anything

The other part thinks...could you just not. Not get involved

Mutual said he's now moved to a different part of the office so should actually see her less as he's now in a different room to do with the promotion.

OP posts:

ahouseofleaves · 25/05/2018 22:21

There's a direct line between them now, with only one person in-between, a person your DP is senior to, as it looks to me. He no longer has to liaise with another senior manager.

I wouldn't be too pleased. But it's so much worse that he's lying.

I really hope the best for you, and that this doesn't go further. But I'd be so upset about the lying.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 22:23

It wouldn't be called line manager in their line of work but I guess in an office environment it would go:

Woman > her line manager > my dp

OP posts:

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 25/05/2018 22:24

OTOH in many places of work having a relationship with a direct report would be a disciplinary offence.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 22:24

I'm bothered about the lying, but I'm also thinking if it WAS anyone else then he would probably also not go into major detail about their employment/his help either

OP posts:

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 22:27

SchnitzelVonKrumm I don't think in their line of work it is an offence. A fair few seem coupley, all the artsy folk together

OP posts:

silverstarling1 · 25/05/2018 22:29

I really admire how much you can keep your cool with him through this, but I hope in the future if the worst were to happen (and something did happen between them) you don’t look back and wish you’d done/ said something more. Like I said if it were me I’d have said something, especially with her saying she’s not going to keep away from him anymore- blatant disregard for the fact he’s in a relationship and off limits. And to him also about him lying

Weezol · 25/05/2018 22:29

A rose by any other name etc. So lots of potential for one to one closed door meetings.

He really is taking the piss now.

For me, this would be a final straw. I accept it may not be for you, but it's something that would have me considering whether there was any point continuing to be with a man who has so little respect for me.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 25/05/2018 22:36

Thankfully again, it's not the 1 2 1 environment in the gallery. Any meeting room is windows floor to ceiling

OP posts:

beIindaBlinked · 25/05/2018 23:40

If anything is going on, they won't be silly enough to conduct it within the workspace.

They'll flirt etc but anything serious will occur outside of work.

Does he have hobbies etc that mean he leaves your home regularly?

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