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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:12

If you've read the thread, I've spoken to him multiple times thanks

OP posts:
GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 20:13

But you clearly haven't told him what you're telling us - that's what's weird. It's all so cloak and dagger.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:17

Not really, for the reasons I've literally just posted. My friend is important to me and showing her loyalty to me risking telling me. I'm not about to destroy her professionally as a thank you

OP posts:
GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 20:18

Why would it destroy her professionally unless your partner is a vindictive shit?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:22

He's not vindictive but like I said, he's her manager and no one is going to take kindly to being reported on, friend or not. She told me in confidence to protect me, I'm not about to be a 'vindictive shit' to her either. It would make her going to work hell and that's not fair. The problem is mine, I don't need to visit that on her

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 27/05/2018 20:24

Have you thought about shifting the focus from him to you? He is consuming your thoughts.
What will build you up, OP?
He is a man, not the centre of the universe.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:28

With respect, this is my only outlet for talking about this so that's all I'm posting about. I don't need building up or to focus on hobbies etc, I'm fine in that regard. I will be fine whatever happens eventually, I just really appreciate having this thread as an outlet

OP posts:
GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 20:29

Look, fine. You know best about your own situation. But I don't think a lot of the people on this thread are doing you any favours by telling you he's getting ready to leave and discard you, or that he's definitely having an affair or planning one, when none of us know the truth (least of all you, since you don't seem willing or capable of taking the bull by the horns and actually addressing the issues in your relationship)

timeisnotaline · 27/05/2018 20:44

I am surprised it’s not obvious why the op doesn’t want to out her friend who basically works for her dh. There is no clear proof, and you don’t have to be a vindictive shit to be completely unable to treat one of your employees the same way again after finding out they have been reporting details of your behaviour as inappropriate back to your partner. It would chill any working relationship!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 20:46

Thanks, timeisnotaline, thats exactly it

OP posts:
BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 27/05/2018 21:43

If my partner had behaved like yours with a work colleague he would have failed the test ages ago, so basically if their ‘relationship’ carries on as it is you will do nothing, it’s only the physical side you are worried about, the emotional side can rumble on for months, years and so long as you have no evidence of a physical relationship you are content, for want of a better word for it to carry on without tackling it?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 21:48

It's not that I'm happy to, more that there is nothing concrete as proof

OP posts:
tootstastic · 27/05/2018 22:03

Butt, if you absolutely need proof, what about a private detective to find out for sure? Something like this....

www.investigate.uk/matrimonial-relationship-investigators/cheating-partner/

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 22:08

Thanks and I appreciate the support but if I was ready to do something like that then I have no relationship

OP posts:
tootstastic · 27/05/2018 22:13

Yes, totally understandable. I think you're right, sorry, I was just trying to think of a way around the not knowing.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 27/05/2018 22:14

Thank you x

OP posts:
RubyTrees · 28/05/2018 00:46

Hi OP,

I’ve been following this thread but not commented before since so many PPs have offered so much support and great advice.

Just wanted to say I can completely understand the position you’ve taken regarding needing concrete evidence but if you never get any, can you really go back to the level of trust you had in your DH before all this started?

I really feel for you. It's not something I could have coped with, I would have had to do something by now.

Laiste · 28/05/2018 09:27

It's funny butt - you know when you said you'd not been seeing this situation in the light of OW and DP actually both knowing full well about each others feelings? Well - i've just realised i've been seeing this situation without consciously realising how much of a corner you are in due to having to protect your friend. IYSWIM? No much help! Just saying what i'm thinking :)

It was kind of only when i read back last night and saw how you were really pro-active when you'd seen him yourself at the exhibition. With your own eyes. You've had to bottle everything up since then.

Speaking of since then ... again last night i was thinking 'blimey this has been a month now'. But thinking again this morning - a month is nothing for a situation like this. Crushes and affairs can brew or rumble on for months and months before flaring up or dying out. If DP never finds out friend is watching him and you're never certain about anything physical, you could easily still be here like this this time next year! Very depressing thought.

I wish there was a way for you to force the issue. But i can't think of one.

Sorry for the ramble.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 28/05/2018 09:44

Thanks and I appreciate the support but if I was ready to do something like that then I have no relationship

To be fair, you're already doing this (albeit on a smaller scale), via your friend.

Robin233 · 28/05/2018 11:32

Surely your dp knows you are close friends with the other person he works with?
Are you sure she's not making more out of it?
And if it's so obvious why isn't she taking the ow to one side and saying 'you do know his wife is a good friend of mine and had a smashing little boy'
Or something similar. It might just give her a reality check.
If she is such a good catch why hasn't she got a partner ?
Ego boost aside some men can be a bit 'dopy' regarding ows and sometimes need it spelling out.....'carried on like this and you will lose everything you hold dear'. This is not controlling just protecting your own.
Would he put up with it if you carried on like this ?
Probably not.
Time for a long hard think x

PinotMwah · 28/05/2018 11:48

laiste has hit the nail on the head, I think. The issue is that there is going to have to be some sort of catalyst to bring this to a head and in order for you to clarify what he is feeling and what you need to do.

At the moment, the ball is entirely in his court. He knows that he's on thin ice and presumably is conducting any flirtation that is going on with discretion and keeping things under the radar. Only he knows how far this has gone and whether he actively wants to take things further with this woman or just wants to let the crush burn out in the course of time and retain the status quo.

But you are a back seat driver in this situation -- depending on him slipping up, showing his hand etc. Which is quite a bit ask, given that he knows he's being watched.

You need to do something to bring matters to a head. I appreciate that this is extremely difficult for you and its easy for us keyboard warriors to say this.

But you could very easily be in this situation at year, even two years from now, unless some sort of catalyst occurs. And he is not willingly going to provide that catalyst.

I don't know what the solution is. You are going to have to talk to him again, he is probably going to be defensive and deny everything. You may or may not have gathered further evidence which will help you, but you can't count on it.

You are going to have to be prepared to do something fairly radical in order to move this situation along and to force him to decide what he ultimately wants to do. And you're going to have to make up your mind to do it even in the absence of solid evidence of an affair or emotional affair. I don't know if that's an ultimatum to him to move jobs I appreciate this is difficult and will take time or if you need temporarily to move out of the home. But you have to do something. The fact that you are uncomfortable, are wracked with anxiety and are watching his every move, and via a third party, means something is not right in your relationship. If that means proactively taking yourself out of the relationship for a short time, so be it. He needs to be forced to make his mind up.

Good luck OP. I realise its a horrible situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

ConferenceBores · 28/05/2018 12:40

I agree about crushes being a slow burn thing, especially when you work together as large chunks of time can go by without much interaction. Mumsnet changes your perception as it’s like a drama where you check for updates but really in most of our lives issues take years to pan out.

ReallyWTF · 28/05/2018 19:59

Thanks for answering my questions OP Flowers

Loving the private detective idea! He's given you every right to need one.

You mention she is pretty, do you think looks are important to your DP and this is the main draw for him? Walking into walls Hmm

Luisa27 · 28/05/2018 20:11

I see exactly what Conference means Butt, and as I said upthread, I really hope it’s an intense infatuation that will burn itself out naturally.

Let’s face it, if mutual wasn’t working there, you’d have no idea of the intensity and complexity of their ‘connection’, you’d simply have seen him looking at office woman (through the window etc)...nothing more. You wouldn’t be aware of all the other stuff

In fact I really feel many of us could actually be ‘living’ Butt’s situation, without even realising it - simply because we don’t have a ‘mutual’ feeding us information from the inside. I bet a fair few of our DP/DHs are flirting outrageously/a little bit obsessed with attractive colleagues at work, the gym, or tennis club...wherever? We’re just not aware it’s even happening...sobering thought there girls 😐

One more thought Butt - does mutual ever voice her opinion as to how you should/ might react to all the info she’s giving you? Does she ever offer any advice at all?

bigbadwolvesnextdoor · 28/05/2018 20:27

I know this sounds a bit crazy but does your friend have your best intentions at heart? I don't suppose she's interested in your DP and is exaggerating the situation with the OW to cause you to break up ? Stranger things have happened.

Women can be very sneaky, even if it's a long term plan. Does the mutual friend have a DP? How does she know you & DP?