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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think women don't love their children more than men?

246 replies

whalewhatsallthisthen · 19/04/2018 22:04

So I started back at work last month. My baby is 6 months old. My partner is at home - he has actually given up work. I really enjoy my job and I am quite enjoying being back in the adult world and having more control over my day again, although I really miss my baby of course.

But I am being bombarded with questions from almost everyone, including colleagues and family, about whether I will be working part time and why I am not working part time. Frankly, I am working full time to keep a roof over my family's head and also because I have ambitions for promotion and part time isn't compatible with that.

Why don't men get this kind of pressure when they return to work? They are just expected to get on with it as far as I can see.

Aibu to think that men don't love their children any less than women, so there is no reason to assume women are the primary caregivers and are all heartbroken to be back at work?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 20/04/2018 20:35

@Mummyoflittledragon - I agree with that to an extent. There are so many cultural reasons that cause men to be easily disengaged from their children, and I suppose society is in some way set up for women to be the more nurturing ones, and for men to step back e.g. impact of slavery, men being sent to war in their prime, men being 'allowed' to leave children and partners and not looked down on by society, etc.

Also having an absent father has an impact on men, which means they are more likely to become absent fathers themselves. So an unhealthy pattern continues.

TawnyPort · 20/04/2018 21:16

You don't think it's a stereotype for people to assume I'm going back part time because I'm a woman and I took maternity leave, and other women do go part time? In that case you don't appear to understand what a stereotype is

I think perhaps thats you. If its a stereotype, its because so many women do it, not because they are making wild guesses with no basis in reality.

biscuitraider · 20/04/2018 21:20

Well maybe we do agree whale but you did say aibu for assuming men don't love their kids any less than a woman. The consensus seems to be that women love them more (mainly). So I suppose that that could be seen as stereotyping men.

You don't have to explain to anyone why you are returning to work, my point was that people will always assume the man to rather than the woman. Yes it is stereotyping but it's based on the fact that statistics show that men don't have the same emotional attachment. I'm just trying to say why I think this happens Op, I'm not being deliberately argumentative, just trying to give you my take on it.

TawnyPort · 20/04/2018 21:20

I think it would probably be a fair assumption that the more you engage and connect with your child, the more you love them. The oxytocin connection

Sooo, sahm love their children more than wohm then? That is the logical conclusion if you actually think that.

Original poster
whalewhatsallthisthen · 20/04/2018 21:21

Tawny, this is literally what comes up if you Google stereotype definition:

a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.

"the stereotype of the woman as the carer"

How can you not see that it is a stereotype to assume a woman is the primary caregiver? A stereotype is not a wild guess. It's a generalisation. An oversimplification based on a characteristic. An extrapolation that because lots of women are the primary caregivers that all women must be. That's what a stereotype is.

OP posts:
TawnyPort · 20/04/2018 21:24

How can you not see that women ARE usually the primary caregiver? So its not stupid to assume something that is generally true.

Nobody is saying that its ok to say you must be, but it is ok to think you probably are, because well look at that, you probably are Hmm

Original poster
whalewhatsallthisthen · 20/04/2018 21:25

I did mention above Biscuit that that part of the question was mostly facetious on my part. I don't think that women innately love children more than men. Not in my experience anyway, limited though it is.

But I think you do agree with the people who are surprised I'm returning to work full time. Because you think I should have the stronger emotional attachment because I am the woman (if I've read your last post correctly). And that is a gender stereotype. Even if it's often the case, it doesn't make it any less a stereotype - or any less frustrating when people try to put you in a particular "box" because of your gender.

OP posts:
Original poster
whalewhatsallthisthen · 20/04/2018 21:26

TawnyPort.... I really don't think you understand what a stereotype is!

OP posts:
helacells · 20/04/2018 21:27

I agree that women love their kids more than men with a few exceptions. I think this is pretty much a universal truth across all cultures.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 20/04/2018 21:28

That is so interesting about the long term impact of war on men’s parenting engagement.

Now I wonder if that is part of the difference on the views of men walking away from children in the UK vs Ireland. It makes sense that war is a socially accepted even lauded reason to leave children behind. Obviously Ireland did not suffer the same impact in WW2 and so the missing generation of men post war was not the same. Don’t get me wrong of course there are shit fathers in Ireland ones that don’t see their children at all, unless there is very good reason abuse, prison etc, genuinely seem rarer. I appreciate I am not the oracle of Irish separated parenting but I know plenty of separated parents and the men all have their children most weekends bar 1 (toerag) I think that may well be part of the difference.

biscuitraider · 20/04/2018 23:39

whale we'll have to agree to disagree, there are exceptions, but on the whole men do not love their kids the same way as women do. They can and do walk away without a backward glance. We are massively different. We can scream about it as much as we like but that is the way it is unfortunately.

biscuitraider · 20/04/2018 23:45

The thing is that you cant say something is right just because of individual experiences. There are always exceptions to the rule. We are talking about in the majority.

Original poster
whalewhatsallthisthen · 21/04/2018 09:21

But just because the majority of men like football, would you automatically assume ALL men like football? That's what I'm complaining about. Surely it's reasonable to expect people who actually know me to treat me like an individual rather than a statistic / stereotype? I can't see how you can argue with that really.

OP posts:
PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 21/04/2018 10:32

Yes whale since DH is an absolutely commited parent I’m his own right and would not be wandering off on the kids if we split up since he is their primary career, I have to agree with you.

TawnyPort · 21/04/2018 10:42

But just because the majority of men like football, would you automatically assume ALL men like football? That's what I'm complaining about

I wouldn't, but it wouldn't be outrageous for someone to think so. I think you need to get over yourself and realise that nobody actually cares what you do. It's just chat.

Blaablaablaa · 21/04/2018 10:55

@whale I'm with you . I've been in exactly your situation and know how frustrating it is.

Just because stereotypes exist doesn't mean we should perpetuate them. I teach Undergraduate's and run a session on stereotyping and unconscious bias. It's mainly around careers and education but I also address some wider issues. I'm always surprised/disappointed in the ingrained perceptions on parental responsibility - especially when you start to look at the ideas around what it means to be a single mum compared to a single dad.

throwcushions · 22/04/2018 13:32

"I think you need to get over yourself and realise that nobody actually cares what you do. It's just chat."

Well aren't you a charmer.

throwcushions · 22/04/2018 13:33

"Just because stereotypes exist doesn't mean we should perpetuate them."

Yes, that's it in a nutshell. Thank you.

TawnyPort · 22/04/2018 22:46

stereotypes exist literally because we do perpetuate them.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/04/2018 23:04

So maybe it's time to stop perpetuating them. Then they can become anachronisms.

RedForFilth · 22/04/2018 23:37

What has always struck me is people asking me "What do you do with your son all day whilst you're here?" I doubt my ex gets asked what he does with our son all day for the 26 days I have him.

But the thing I hate most is the other mums saying "oh I can't imagine working full time, I'd miss child too much." Pisses me right off. I'm a single mum so obviously have to work full time anyway but I actually love my job!

AgnesBrownsCat · 22/04/2018 23:41

Not sure about living them more but women generally sacrifice more for their children .

AgnesBrownsCat · 22/04/2018 23:42

Loving

corythatwas · 23/04/2018 01:15

most of my relatives live in another country with far more generous paternity leave

most male relatives of my generation has taken at least part of the paternity leave, one close male relative has been the main caregiver- and certainly not been unhappy

of the divorced couples I don't know of a single father who has disappeared altogether; last time that happened to anyone I knew was when I was a baby

former couples tend to go to great lengths, even sacrificing their own careers, to be able to live close enough to one another to make shared parenting as painless as possible for the children

50/50 is very common

it's assumed that dads care as much as mums

biscuitraider · 23/04/2018 07:53

That's fine but it's a known fact that more men will walk away from the family than a woman will. Individual cases to the contrary won't change that.

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