Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think women don't love their children more than men?

246 replies

whalewhatsallthisthen · 19/04/2018 22:04

So I started back at work last month. My baby is 6 months old. My partner is at home - he has actually given up work. I really enjoy my job and I am quite enjoying being back in the adult world and having more control over my day again, although I really miss my baby of course.

But I am being bombarded with questions from almost everyone, including colleagues and family, about whether I will be working part time and why I am not working part time. Frankly, I am working full time to keep a roof over my family's head and also because I have ambitions for promotion and part time isn't compatible with that.

Why don't men get this kind of pressure when they return to work? They are just expected to get on with it as far as I can see.

Aibu to think that men don't love their children any less than women, so there is no reason to assume women are the primary caregivers and are all heartbroken to be back at work?

OP posts:
AornisHades · 19/04/2018 23:58

My db has been a constant, reliable and loving presence in his child's life despite his dp leaving him when their child was 3. He loves his child far more than he ever loved his xp. His child is an adult now. He has a lovely DP now who he adores but we all know his dc will always be #1.

Slievenamon · 19/04/2018 23:58

Nope. You're just an offensive bollix.

crunchymint · 20/04/2018 00:00

It is rare for a mother to walk away from her children, but not so rare for a father.

Queenofwands · 20/04/2018 00:06

Straight women are their own worst enemy, rushing to defend the indefensible. Meanwhile men stick together and support each other. Same old story.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 20/04/2018 00:08

Stats

biscuitraider · 20/04/2018 00:08

All those who are telling their individual stories of how much their husbands love their kids....nobody is doubting you. But it won't alter the statistics. Men can walk away from their families far far more than a woman can. Why is this even being argued about.

Slievenamon · 20/04/2018 00:08

It is rare for a mother to walk away from her children, but not so rare for a father

True. Still doesn't make the offensive bollocks above anymore correct.

Straight women are their own worst enemy, rushing to defend the indefensible. Meanwhile men stick together and support each other. Same old story

Are you drunk?

Slievenamon · 20/04/2018 00:09

But it won't alter the statistics. Men can walk away from their families far far more than a woman can. Why is this even being argued about

because we are not arguing about the stats.

SOME people doing X does not mean that ALL PEOPLE DO X. Or that most do.

my 2 year old can get that, why can't you?

biscuitraider · 20/04/2018 00:13

So what you saying, it's 50 50?

Sashkin · 20/04/2018 00:18

It's normal to be ok about going back to work isn't it? Not excited to go to work but basically fine when you're there?

I was really happy to go back to work. It’s s big part of my identity (doctor). The only thing I didn’t like was putting DS in nursery when he was a year old - it felt too young to me. If DH had been at home I would have skipped off to work quite happily. DH and DS have a great time on their own when I’m not there.

Snortles · 20/04/2018 00:21

I don't think DH loves the dc as much as I do. He claims to (of course), but his behaviour and attitude say otherwise.

Is he willing to lose his previous sleep night after night when they're ill? No.
Needs yes, but is he able to put his hobbies and interests before theirs? No.
Does he 'get' them the way I do? No. I could go on.

I agree that many men do find it easier to walk away from their dc without a backwards glance. But I also know decent men who have fought hard for their dc because their bitchy ex made up lie after lie to deny them access.

crunchymint · 20/04/2018 00:35

My dad's ex wife tried to get him to see his kids. He wasn't bothered. He may tell his friends a different story, I don't know. But I know he wasn't interested.

Queenofwands · 20/04/2018 00:44

Slieve no I am not drunk .... are you stupid? according to those stats 32pc of absent fathers admit to contributing nothing to their children’s upkeep. 32pc! and yet fools like you will argue that men and women love their children equally. It’s a much bigger issue for women than equal pay, and yet women fail to unite to call men out on it.

LiquidCosh · 20/04/2018 00:45

I think perhaps Callies wording has got some peoples hackles up but overall I agree that men seem much more able to move on from their children when they move on from their children's mums. A lot even move in with their new gfs kids and see them more than their own. Does this mean that on the whole women love their children more than men? It would seem so.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/04/2018 01:04

Some posters are incredibly naive.

Imo the majority of men do not love their children like the majority of women do. They just don't.

The older I've got I've seen it time and time again. The vast majority of single parents are women. The vast majority of deadbeat/absent/non paying parents are men. Most women will sacrifice their own happiness for their children whilst most men put themselves first.

A lot of men only show their true colours after a relationship ends.

biscuitraider · 20/04/2018 01:10

Very naive but also the mm obsession with insisting there's no difference between the sexes. There is, and massively so.

Graduate223 · 20/04/2018 01:31

I agree with callies. Most men only have loyalty and connection to their kids through the mother, and if that is severed, the relationship with their kids is severed too.

Also often true with mothers and sons, sons will move away to be near their wife’s family and visit the wife’s family all the time because their wife initiates the visits, but hardly visit their own family.

Brokenbiscuit · 20/04/2018 01:44

I'm sure most men do really love their kids. The feminist in me really wants to agree that fathers love their kids as much as mothers do, but I'm afraid my gut says otherwise. On average, I believe that mothers probably do love their kids more.

My DH absolutely adores dd but I do not honestly believe that he loves her as much as I do. And I do not believe that my lovely dad loves me and dsis as much as my mum loves us. It's different somehow - I do think it must be a biological thing.

I don't think it has any bearing on going back to work though. None whatsoever. I'm the main breadwinner in our family and I went back full time when dd was 5/6 months old. I certainly wasn't sobbing in the toilets about it - I knew she was being well cared for and I was happy to pursue my career. Her dad is every bit as capable of doing childcare as I am!

SAH parents do not love their kids more than WOH parents, regardless of whether they're male or female. But while there are undoubtedly some fathers who love their kids far more than the average mother does, I still think that, on balance, mums probably love their kids more. And it pains me to say so because I don't want it to be true.

biscuitraider · 20/04/2018 01:45

Men are fickle

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/04/2018 05:53

My parents got divorced when I was 5 and me and my sister saw our dad EOW and had holidays with him every year. I’m 35 now and still very close to my dad and can definitely say he loved us despite the divorce.

I’m married to a man who is a wonderful man and I would to think that if we divorced he’d still want to maintain a good relationship with his children but how can any of us really know that?

However, I still agree with some of Callies opinions as men do find it a lot easier to walk away from their responsibilities and their child than most mothers would.

I can think of about 4 women I know where the father has just walked away from the children and has barely anything to do with them.

I know not ALL men are like this (as Callie knows too) but generally yes, a lot of men do walk away guilt free and have nothing to do with their children.

BartholinsSister · 20/04/2018 06:14

I've known several men who have stayed in unsatisfactory marriages for fear of compromising their relationships with their children.

TeasndToast · 20/04/2018 06:57

I’d like to believe it’s equal love and in many individual cases it is.

However, broadly speaking, there are FAR more men who leave their kids without a backwards glance when the relationship breaks up. FAR more men who will happily use the children to hurt their exes and who are much more likely to put their own needs before those of their children.

It is our love for our children that is often used against us by men once a relationship ends.

Original poster
whalewhatsallthisthen · 20/04/2018 07:00

Thanks Sashkin. That makes me feel better!

My mind just boggles at people - predominantly men - who cannot fathom at all how I could be happy working full time when they themselves work full time and have young children.

OP posts:
callies · 20/04/2018 07:00

At first I thought I’d posted hastily last night and had offended someone but slieve is attacking anybody with an alternative viewpoint, so ...

The Guardian article wasn’t exactly cheery reading! So out of 100men who don’t live with their kids, 13 don’t see them at all and 49 don’t see them regularly. And that’s the ones telling the truth!

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/04/2018 07:07

My sister was with her ex for 10 years. When they split up they had two children. They’ve been separated now for about 5 years and he sees the children for 4 hours every Saturday and despite living only 5 a minute drive away he makes no effort to see them more often and does not ask to see them more often either.