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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think women don't love their children more than men?

246 replies

whalewhatsallthisthen · 19/04/2018 22:04

So I started back at work last month. My baby is 6 months old. My partner is at home - he has actually given up work. I really enjoy my job and I am quite enjoying being back in the adult world and having more control over my day again, although I really miss my baby of course.

But I am being bombarded with questions from almost everyone, including colleagues and family, about whether I will be working part time and why I am not working part time. Frankly, I am working full time to keep a roof over my family's head and also because I have ambitions for promotion and part time isn't compatible with that.

Why don't men get this kind of pressure when they return to work? They are just expected to get on with it as far as I can see.

Aibu to think that men don't love their children any less than women, so there is no reason to assume women are the primary caregivers and are all heartbroken to be back at work?

OP posts:
pallisers · 19/04/2018 23:24

And if he’d stopped loving your mum he’d have stopped loving you, that’s all I’m saying,

I'm not offended by this. I'm not sure my dad would have stopped loving us - in his particular case - but to be honest, I tend to agree with Callies more than disagree. If I had to ask which of two statements was more true:

Men love their children in the same way women do and feel the same sense of responsibility to them

or

Men love their children and feel a sense of responsibility to them as long as they love or feel a sense of responsibility to their children's mother

I'd probably go with the second one.

callies · 19/04/2018 23:25

I think they do love them until something happens to mum.

Sorry, I’ve seen it time and time and time again.

Devoted husband and wife have babies.

Wife dies or has an affair or whatever.

Doting daddy isn’t so doting anymore.

Wheelerdeeler · 19/04/2018 23:25

My dh absolutely loves our children as much as me. Is just as capable of meeting all their needs. I would accept nothing less. 2 people created them. 2 people raise them.

I'll often get a text at work especially after a long weekend from him saying how much he misses them just as I might send him a similar one. Or a random message with a "remember when he did this last week" with a cute pic

So no. I don't believe mothers I've their kids more.

ILoveDolly · 19/04/2018 23:26

My husband was working a hard job when dd1 was born which meant long stretches away and night shifts when he was home. One day after about 6 months, he told me that he wasn't being the kind of dad he wanted to be, and that did I think he should take the opportunity to get away from that role. To cut a long story short, he took steps to change the type of work he took on within his profession, which meant extra training for him and a still well paid but less status symbol job, but he sees our children, he has been able to be around and watch them grow up. He has such a fantastic bond with them, I don't think anyone could dispute his love for them but I don't see many men opting for a less prestigious job so they can be around the kids more. Perhaps they should and then people would put less emphasis on the role of the mother as nurturer.

callies · 19/04/2018 23:26

That’s very fair pallisers

Thanks. I agree with you.

callies · 19/04/2018 23:26

Sure wheeler as long as he’s with you, if you died tomorrow your devoted husband would be with another woman within six months and the kids forgotten.

Noqonterfy · 19/04/2018 23:28

Its different for everyone of course, some dad's love their kids equally or maybe even more than the mother. But there are far more men than women who walk away from a relationship and see the kids rarely, or not at all. Not all men of course. But a lot that do.

Queenofwands · 19/04/2018 23:30

It shocks me that women are so keen to fight men’s corner on this despite overwhelming evidence. I don’t have children but as someone who lives on planet earth it’s obvious. Also a lot of stepmothers are resentful of their step children...another truth people find inconvenient.

Noqonterfy · 19/04/2018 23:30

I don't know if that's true Callie either. I'm a widow and in part of my widows network there are many men that are utterly devoted to their children. The odd one isnt. But the ending of the relationship wasn't something through choice either. They were happily married until their wives died.

WyfOfBathe · 19/04/2018 23:31

Sorry if the truth offends. Plenty of people think their dads adore them but they only think it because dad is happily married to mum

Ah yes, that must be why my DH worked so hard through the court to get access to his DD after his divorce, and why he became her primary carer when her mum was unable to cope.

You may have experienced a man, or men, who are dicks but please don't imagine all men are like that.

callies · 19/04/2018 23:34

Back to not all men

No

But most.

CelticSelkie · 19/04/2018 23:34

Nobody imagines all men are like that.

But you're not living in the real world if you are unaware of all of the millions of formerly great fathers who somehow dust them selves down after the relationship and walk away from their children with hardly a backward glance.

Slievenamon · 19/04/2018 23:35

No. not most.

Is it a twat convention on here today?

biscuitraider · 19/04/2018 23:36

Men didn't carry the child inside them for nine months. He isn't going to be as emotionally attached. Men can and do walk away very easily from his kids. Not all obviously, but a hell of a lot. That's fact.

pallisers · 19/04/2018 23:36

You may have experienced a man, or men, who are dicks but please don't imagine all men are like that.

My dad was a star. My husband is a wonderful father. My brothers in law also - including one being a wonderful step dad. That is my experience. It doesn't change the fact that far more men leave their children than women do. It isn't about individual experience, it is about what happens in the population. People will pile on with stories of ex wives who abandoned their children etc. but the reality is that more women are left holding the baby, rearing the baby, worrying about the baby and paying for the baby (also known as loving the baby) than men.

WyfOfBathe · 19/04/2018 23:36

OP, YANBU.

I was nervous and I'll admit slightly teary about leaving DD with a childminder when I went back to work, but I wouldn't have worried if I was leaving her with DH. I know he can look after her just as well as I can and loves her just as much as well.

Queenofwands · 19/04/2018 23:37

Wyfofbath .... did his ex wife agree she couldn’t cope and if not why did he have to fight? Nasty custody battles are not always motivated by love for a child although I appreciate that it may have been in this case. On the relationship thread many are motivated by money and spite.

Ohmydayslove · 19/04/2018 23:38

Well my dh loves our kids just as much as I do. I would take a bullet for him and he would for me. In a heartbeat. Never mind the kids.

We have quite a big family, 6 kids, and when youngest dd then aged 11 had a bad period it was dh going to the chemist demanding the best pain killers for her.

I was a SAHM as dh earned so much more but if he had been a SAHD he would have loved it and been far better at it then me to b honest. I would have loved to had a high fly career and been the breadwinner

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 19/04/2018 23:39

It doesn't change the fact that far more men leave their children than women do

Absolutely but Caille suggests it is all men literally all men. Much as I am reluctant to NAMALT but seriously NAMALT. I would say a not insignificant minority of men are like that and they are all dicks.

callies · 19/04/2018 23:39

Plenty of men do that and are great dads until the relationship breaks down

CelticSelkie · 19/04/2018 23:39

''Men didn't carry the child inside them for nine months. He isn't going to be as emotionally attached. Men can and do walk away very easily from his kids. Not all obviously, but a hell of a lot. That's fact.''

Exactly. Nobody wants this to be the case.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 19/04/2018 23:40

Plenty of men do that and are great dads until the relationship breaks down

See there it is again.

callies · 19/04/2018 23:41

Yes pink

Sorry if you don’t like the fact but over 90% of single parent families are headed by women

newmumwithquestions · 19/04/2018 23:41

Interesting one.

I dislike sweeping generalisations about men /woman as everyone is different.

However I definitely love our children more than OH. He loves them, but if they were in need I’d trample on anyone (including him) to get to them. He wouldn’t.
I’m far more willing to give things up for them than he is.

I’d say in all but one of my friends (who parent equally) that’s the case.

CelticSelkie · 19/04/2018 23:42

Nobody not even Callie on this thread has suggested that all men do that.

But there seems to be a head in the clouds refusal to acknowledge reality going on on this thread.

Polling the still-married women is stupid! posts along the lines of ''DH does so much for our baby'' demonstrate nothing.
Ask the divorced mothers. Wait! We're here. We're speaking. We're not being heard.

I have friends who are in co-parenting arrangements that I envy. But the majority of my single mum friends have been stuck with 90% of the responsibility.

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