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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I confiscated dds phone, she's found it and I've just caught her using it, punishment?

188 replies

Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:14

She must have gone into my knicker drawer and found it hidden there. I've just caught her in her room using it. She tried to hide it. I took it away, shut the door and I've come downstairs. Haven't said anything.

I feel really disappointed in her. I wish I'd never given her the bloody thing, she's completely addicted to it. I've never known her to be underhand and sneaky like this.

Obviously the phone stays hidden somewhere else! Wwyd?

She's 11 about to be 12.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 08:19

Slightly off topic - our router is one that came with talk Talk and is a bit crap. Would buying a smart router give me a better all round router??

OP posts:
zaalitje · 20/04/2018 08:26

Is this the same DD as has a swimming competition today with a broken finger OP?

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 08:27

Yes this weekend.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 20/04/2018 08:47

Yes - but check if your wifi is fibre optic or wired via the telephone line

But those with more antenna work quicker

GreenTulips · 20/04/2018 08:47

I'll link later the one I found for £50

LS83 · 20/04/2018 09:04

For the future- buy a replica or broken iphone off eBay. Next time she rifles through your stuff to find her phone, take it off her, do a switch and make her watch in horror as you smash it up with a hammer. Lessons with be learnt that day.

(Obviously lighthearted....)

sashh · 20/04/2018 09:53

Actually, kids whose parents demand 'respect' and pile punishment on top of punishment are often the ones who go really badly wrong. Because they recognise that their parents are bullies, and therefore there is no one they can really trust.

This and what MsGame said.

My mother's default if I asked to do anything was,'no'. so I just stopped asking or telling her anything.

It's probably time for a sit down and decide some rules for phone use. Let her have some input.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/04/2018 10:15

Oh, and the PP who said her parents hit her until she was in her teens and she 'turned out all right'.

No you didn't. You turned out a person who thinks it's OK to bully your children.

Hillingdon · 20/04/2018 10:24

They really are addicted pieces of kit. My DS is at boarding school and his housemaster takes the phones from them at 2100 to return the next day. Boys were putting in old broken phones and keeping their Apple's. Housemaster is VERY experienced with young lads and knows all the tricks.

My DS told me to complain. I said it was a jolly good idea and he started with the 'well, what if you wanted to contact me in an emergency'.

Do these young people not recognise that in a REAL emergency there are others ways! If I needed to be contacted by my parents when I was at school and it was only once from memory - parent calls the school. School secretary comes into the class and pulls you out.

IMHO young people are losing the art of conversation. Get off your phone and get out into the world and make your mark!

PotterGrangerWeasley · 20/04/2018 10:37

I would make it clear that they are separate sanctions. She lost her phone for a week for not doing her homework (completely agree with this). Stealing it back and invading your privacy is a different thing and I wouldn't advise continuing the first sanction. So in my opinion she gets the phone back when agreed, but is grounded or whatever you would normally do for the second behaviour. Then sit down with DD and agree rules for future phone usage (I suggest time restrictions - this worked really well for my DSis).

woollyheart · 20/04/2018 10:41

There is a big difference between noticing your child has a problem and looking for ways to help her, and being an abusive parent. Op clearly is worried about her child and is working out how to help her. Some of you may have over-punitive parents and have sadly suffered. That doesn’t mean that it is ok to give up on children learning about the consequences of their actions. Obviously, it would be better if you can do this in a co-operative way with them, when things have calmed down.... but just giving up on helping them grow up and mature at all isn’t any better. Maybe the mindset needs to change - is it really a ‘punishment’ to remove something that is clearly diminishing a child’s life and enjoyment?

fannyanddick · 20/04/2018 11:00

I doubt she thought about the fact she was stealing/being really naughty. She was probably just thinking 'I really want my phone, I wonder if I can find it'.

Don't know about punishments, I don't think it should be too severe. But if I were you going forward I would develop clear rules for phone use. E.g. 30mins each night and one hour at the weekend plus taking it with her when she goes out alone with friends (can you make it call only for that time). Then in a locked drawer the rest of the time. She is a child and is not able to self regulate (I can't!). It is in her interest to limit access even if it is not what she wants/other families do.

However, I have younger children so maybe I am underestimating how difficult this would be.

Jins · 20/04/2018 11:18

Removing the charger is useless. It might work for an old style phone with a dedicated connection and welded on plug but now you can pick up mini usb or lightning cables anywhere for pennies and they'll work in any usb socket you have lying around.

It may have been a genius idea once upon a time but now it's one of the easiest sanctions to get around that I can think of.

My DC are now all grown up and working so I don't bother monitoring screen time. Smile.

leafblower · 20/04/2018 11:30

You've been by far the most rude and aggressive telling someone to fuck off. Hmm

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 11:47

We had a good, calm talk about it this morning. The irony is that her phone was dead anyway, so although she had 'liberated' it from its hiding place she didn't actually use it. I said that was silly then if you'd waited you could have had it back today. So the end result is no going to town tonight (which she is completely happy with, not sure she even wanted to go in the first place!) and phone back tomorrow while she is at a swimming competition then left downstairs. Sunday is for family stuff, homework and reading then she can have it back for an hour. She was very contrite.

The positive thing was that typing on here and taking on board most of the comments meant I was super calm and kind when talking to her so it all seemed to work well.

Going forward there's no phone in bedrooms in the week and most weekends (may relax a bit if she's done lots of sport or something) and if I think she's been on it too much I am going to take it off her to give her a break. She seems very happy with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 11:49

No, implying that parents who impose punishments are bullies was extremely unpleasant and justified a robust fuck off.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/04/2018 11:57

Not sure why you've been given such a bashing on here, OP. I think you sound perfectly reasonable.

I think people are missing that she stole the phone back - that action of course deserves punishment. No kids should grow up thinking it's OK to just help yourself - especially to something that you have been told is off limits.

Hope you can move past this and enjoy the weekend.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 12:11

Thanks greenfingers I am sure it will be fine. I feel a bit sorry for her actually as she thinks she has stomach cramps this morning and is worried she might start her period at school. So we had quite a nice! bonding bit where we packed a little purse with everything she might need if she does. She also has a possible broken finger so she's feeling quite crap! We are going to watch Lost In Space together tonight so its all good.

I quite like the advice about grinding the phone into powder which is exactly what I felt like doing last night.

OP posts:
Weezol · 20/04/2018 12:18

That sounds to be a really good conclusion you have reached together. I remember talking to my mum when I was a similar age, telling her I didn't really want to do something with friends (a party or something) and had been talked into it. She very helpfully said 'Oh dear, it's such a shame you're not allowed. Isn't your mum really strict?' or similar.

RedDwarves · 20/04/2018 12:30

You haven’t addressed why you won’t just buy her a cheap, old style phone which only allows texts and calls?

Spotify alone isn’t reason enough to have a smartphone.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 12:32

You haven’t addressed why you won’t just buy her a cheap, old style phone which only allows texts and calls?

I don't really want to spend any more money on it and the contract runs until November. I think I do have an old nokia somewhere so might try and dig it out and having to take that to school will be the Ultimate Threat.

OP posts:
MadBadDaddy · 20/04/2018 12:49

To me the breach of trust would be way, way more important than whatever lost her the phone in the first place.

It is an addiction though - dopamine, etc. - and that's what I tell my DDs. They are already aware of food or sugar addictions or other obsessional behaviour, so it wasn't such a hard sell. Fingers crossed, they are fairly self-regulating....so far.

lalalalyra · 20/04/2018 13:06

I talk to her lots. I am actually concerned that she's addicted,as I have said before. It's very out of character for her to do something like this.

Did she give you any reason why she took it back?

There should, absolutely, be a punishment for taking it from your room, but if it was out of character for her might be worth finding out what was behind it.

I had similar last year with DD (then 13) and it turned out a spiteful 'friend' was using the fact she didn't have her phone to exclude her from something. It didn't excuse DD, but gave us the chance to talk about friends and real friends and also about why she didn't come to me and say "They are having a group skype session with X (who moved to australia) is there anything I can do to earn my phone back for that hour".

LemonysSnicket · 20/04/2018 13:40

My Step Mum got rid of my brothers phone completely when she discovered he couldn’t be trusted with it. He’s just gotten it back age 13.

Go extreme or she won’t care.

LemonysSnicket · 20/04/2018 13:59

And get her a cheap iPod

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