I confiscated dds phone, she's found it and I've just caught her using it, punishment?

[Sarkyharky]

She must have gone into my knicker drawer and found it hidden there. I've just caught her in her room using it. She tried to hide it. I took it away, shut the door and I've come downstairs. Haven't said anything.

I feel really disappointed in her. I wish I'd never given her the bloody thing, she's completely addicted to it. I've never known her to be underhand and sneaky like this.

Obviously the phone stays hidden somewhere else! Wwyd?

She's 11 about to be 12.

I get the reaching agreement thing, OP, this is an opportunity to get some agreements in place.

My friend's son was quite obsessive at one point, and they sat down to talk and asked him to suggest a rule to start off with. He asked that all phones went on the coffee table before tea and then agreed with her that they should stay there until homework was done. Then turned off 30 minutes before bed.

What was fairly amusing was his reason for the all phones off before tea suggestion. He said he was fed up with his mum chewing with her mouth open because she was distracted by FB and Twitter. It's 'just nasty, proper rank, mum'.

Child sneaks into parent's room and searches through parent's belongings to find the phone and steals it back.

Yes, part of the punishment should be not just for taking the phone back, but for the invasion of the op's privacy. (You can't get much more private than your underwear drawer.) As the dd moves into her teens, she'll presumably want her privacy to be respected. She can't expect to have her privacy if she can't respect other people's.

There's an app you can download on your phone called 'ourpact'. You then have to follow the instructions and download the Jr version on child's phone, and connect it your account. You can then control her phone from yours. You can set a schedule, for example bedtime till morning, where her phone won't work anymore, and you can block access at anytime as a punishment for as long as you want. You won't need to hide her phone anymore, it won't work. I think it's great x

We do:
Phone downstairs after bedtime - not allowed in bedroom
Phone downstairs during homework - not allowed to be within hearing distance of the constant binging...

DD is in secondary - yr 7 parents induction evening we were told that the kids who struggle at GCSE are the ones who have their phone beside them while doing homework as its like being in a room with people talking while you're trying to concentrate.

For sneaking into your room? I'd be giving chores to help out, get a brick to give her for safety and let her earn the other phone back by doing homework on time and properly, being polite, showing that she understand why sneaking it back was wrong.

Sorry if this has been asked, but what apps is she addicted to?

I second the Our Pact suggestion

Give her the phone back. But confiscate the battery!! It's easier to hide!!

I have an android and she has an iPhone so not sure our pact would work

Limiting use will likely be accepted as more logical than banning use. Especially since we are all on google, and on Mumsnet

Original punishment was disproportionate. And it's hardly a surprise that the kid went looking for their phone - it's what I'd expect 99% of kids to do in those circumstances.

Have had similar issues with my 17 y o son with playstation. Limiting use worked better than banning for us in the end

You can put restrictions on iPhones - its in settings under "restrictions" Very useful (just don't forget the pin code you use like I have done)! You can basically take everything away except for texting and phone calls. I have used it many a time...... and I also like to catch them out and allow them to put apps on the phone but not delete them very useful when they think they can sneakily use social media when you have banned it)

Can you? That would be great

If you have a smart router you can log in and limit content stop apps check what hey are doing set time limits restrict access to homework sights stop or start internet for them at the touch of a button

Get smarter!

When my son refused to revise for his GCSEs I took his Xbox to work in the boot of my car!
He soon changed his tune!

greentulips can you link to one?

Amazed at how many folk don't agree with punishments. Why don't we just abolish all laws too? Kids have to learn that if they do wrong things, make wrong choices, then there are consequences.

We removed all phones and tablets as a group punishment for 3 months. 4 kids, 2 fucked up. But couldn't be trusted not to strong arm the other 2. Noticeable, really really noticeable, improvement in behavior. It's was interesting.

www.linksys.com/us/wireless-routers/c/smart-wi-fi-wireless-routers/

This is one of the more expensive ones I know TPLInk do them and netgear.

Look for a duel router and check you have 2.4 and 5 mh

And BT ones are needed if you have BT

But ask your wifi provider

We have something called KoalaSafe which attaches to the router. Depending on age, the DC either have no data or very limited data. KoalaSafe is controlled from my phone and their internet use is scheduled and can be changed at any point. I can also restrict what they can access, so in Homework Mode they can use Spotify but nothing else. I also have to approve any apps they want to download.

We tried setting the Wifi to cut out on the laptop. I came home unexpectedly to find it connected by Ethernet to the router and a child lying under the TV stand to use it.

I always notice the difference in my kids.

I have 6 ranging from 30 down to 16. The eldest ones obviously didn't have smart phones as they just didn't exist, and when they first appeared we didn't have the money to get them! They studied better and socialised better.

The younger ones are literally attached to their phones, taking them away as a punishment (which we did!) caused a meltdown of epic proportions. Revision & Homework required so much energy from us to ensure it was done.

OP, I think I would talk to her about phone addiction and let her know your concerns and explain that it is because of that that you've decided to give her a dumb phone instead - not as a punishment.

I would also talk to her about boundaries and privacy and that it's not OK for her to go through your knicker drawer etc. I would discuss consequences with her and ask her what she thinks would be a suitable punishment and agree this together. (Eg. Not going out with her friends.)

I would steer clear of anything along the lines of, "You must listen to adults and do what you're told". I don't think this is very helpful or empowering long-term.

I think you've handled things really well so far OP. I also have a dd in year 7, and I'm a secondary school teacher. I wish more parents would help their kids to regulate their phone usage. My dd has to leave her phone downstairs and we hear it pinging with Whatsapp notifications from other year 7 pupils until well after midnight. I can't imagine those kids are well-rested and up for a good day at school.

I would be furious if my dd rifled through my stuff to retrieve a confiscated item. I would also be worried about how it showed a real addiction to not be able to wait one more day. She is probably appalled at her own behaviour right now if she's not normally like this, so tomorrow might be a good time to discuss how things have gotten out of hand and have lead her to make poor decisions. If you agree phone usage rules and sanctions this will take the emotion out of things in future.

Good luck!

I managed to keep phones and iPads downstairs until GCSEs were over and then replaxed about it but one DC hasn't really self regulated and stays awake half the night.
It's not easy!