Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I confiscated dds phone, she's found it and I've just caught her using it, punishment?

188 replies

Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:14

She must have gone into my knicker drawer and found it hidden there. I've just caught her in her room using it. She tried to hide it. I took it away, shut the door and I've come downstairs. Haven't said anything.

I feel really disappointed in her. I wish I'd never given her the bloody thing, she's completely addicted to it. I've never known her to be underhand and sneaky like this.

Obviously the phone stays hidden somewhere else! Wwyd?

She's 11 about to be 12.

OP posts:
CaviarAndCigarettes · 19/04/2018 23:32

Mine are younger so I have no direct experience, however I'm inclined to suggest returning the phone when you originally agreed to return it. However, as a consequence for her using the phone while is was confiscated all data is disabled and change the WiFi password.

She can earn them back by acting well at school, completing her homework and chipping in around the house for being disrespectful of your rules.

MsGameandWatching · 19/04/2018 23:33

Actually, kids whose parents demand 'respect' and pile punishment on top of punishment are often the ones who go really badly wrong. Because they recognise that their parents are bullies, and therefore there is no one they can really trust.

I couldn't agree with this more. Plus they really start to hate their parents and the bonds gradually just fray away. Of course there needs to be sanctions but I have seen so many kids just lose hope and stop caring when punishments just keep on increasing like this and they adopt "a might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" philosophy.

For this OP I wouldn't have kept it away for so long in the first place and would probably have a time limit of a couple of hours a day when she knows she's going to get it. The problem was not implementing rules round its use in the first place.

starzig · 19/04/2018 23:41

Grind it to a pulp and bin it.

rocky4 · 19/04/2018 23:42

Oh Jesus some of you lot sound awful Shock I bet you are of the 'I am their mother, not their friend' mentality. Well if that's the case don't be offended when they don't want to spend their free time with you or want a close relationship as an adult.

I wasn't grounded once as a child/teen and neither were my 2 siblings and we are all just fine. Very polite and respectful adults. And the relationship we all share with our parents is bloody brilliant! I would hate having some of you as a mother.

neveradullmoment99 · 19/04/2018 23:45

Well if that's the case don't be offended when they don't do as their told.
That's whats wrong with the world. No bloody discipline. Maybe your children are different but rules are rules and its a job as a parent to provide guidance. If it means sanctions, that's life.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 23:49

No, what's wrong with the world is too many people thinking that it's fine to enforce obedience to their whims and give entirely disproportionate punishments.

Frombothsidesnow · 19/04/2018 23:59

I've certainly given disproportionate punishments in the past, when driven to the point of it by frustration/anger/worry, and regretted it. I've also apologised in the past for it. None of us are perfect.

But I have also tried conversations, discussions and open dialogue and, you know what? The problematic behaviour, which ultimately harms the child not me, continues despite that. As a parent I have a job to protect and support my child and if that means doing something like taking a phone away for a period, even if they hate me for it, then I'll do it. If others parents can resolve things in a different way then all power to their elbows.

I suspect lots of people would hate to have me as a parent. That sucks. My parents smacked me into my teenage years and I was a pretty law abiding child. Despite our rows, our child seems to be fairly content with us.

Saltcrust · 20/04/2018 00:08

Rocky4 as with all things, there's a balance though isn't there? I certainly approach parenting as a parent and not a friend - my DD already has plenty of those and as they are 14 &15 yr old they can't always be relied upon to give the best advice Grin - she needs a parent to set boundaries (when she is struggling to do this herself) and to guide, to encourage and yes, sometimes to discipline. That doesn't mean we can't sit down together and have a good laugh or a good discussion too.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 20/04/2018 00:11

Take the sun out if the phone...or put a screen lock or something lock on the phone (where only you know the code to deactivate it)...so that if she sneaks her phone back she still won't be able to use itGrin

Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/04/2018 01:08

You are being to dictatorial. Don't take phone off as punishment and give it back to continue problem. If its a problem restrict is use. eg 2 hours a day or before 9 pm.

Your weaponizing something that every teenager takes for granted. Your not being fair.

rocky4 · 20/04/2018 06:44

saltcrust yes of course there has to be balance of sorts. It's not to say my parents didn't ever row with me or show me right from wrong. If I had acted out of order then sure, they made it known they were not happy with me. That in itself was enough for me to feel disappointed and realise my mistakes. I think not being grounded helps you to mature that bit quicker as instead of being sent to your room to sulk and keep on hating, the onus is on you to realise what you've done and that the apology must come from you.

keiratwiceknightly · 20/04/2018 06:46

You need an old fashioned cash box. The phone goes in the cash box and is kept in plain sight to increase the agony. The key goes on a chain around your neck.

HipsterAssassin · 20/04/2018 06:57

I have experience of this with dd1. I found confiscating the iPhone completely ineffective. She sneaked android devices, got given old smartphones by friends, hated me, our relationship deteriorated. Disclaimer - my dd1 is 15 and pushing all (and I do mean all) boundaries at present. If the OP’s dd is not quite at this stage the punishment might work more but the sneaking about suggests not. I absolutely agree with upsideup and reanimated

What I found worked better is to get off her case and leave her to be responsible for her world, she has chores to do etc and a monthly allowance and she loses money by not cooperating. This includes not handing in the phone promptly and with good grace. Money is a big motivator for dd and this works much better. Her iPhone comes to me at 9:30 every night and since my new approach she she has stopped trying to circumvent the punishments. Our relationship is now better.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/04/2018 07:05

The removing the charger idea is genius!

I like that alongside the changing the WiFi password so they can't use it and they have to watch data disappear and again - no longer be able to use SM etc!

My ds has asd. He is naturally obsessive as part of this. I explain to him I remove items for his own sake so he understands. I don't always think the teens of today realise their use is excessive.

If phone was removed as a punishment for other bad behaviour then I agree with doubling the time.

Frombothsidesnow · 20/04/2018 07:07

HipsterAssassin wouldn't work in this house. Screen time is the only motivator.

Mistigri · 20/04/2018 07:07

The problem here is that the initial punishment was excessive and now you're locked in an arms race.

If homework isn't done the obvious practical solution is to take the phone away until it is.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 07:14

Thanks all for the, erm, varied responses. I notice the posters advocating no punishments ever are also the rudest and most aggressive. I rest my case.

I am planning to talk to her this evening about trying to find a way forward with this. The phone is gone for the weekend at least.

I am mindful of the fact that if she is addicted she is not in the best place to make decisions so I may have to do that for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 07:16

On a personal note, it's been lovely to hear from teachers that I'm doing the right thing re homework!

OP posts:
SuttonHooHoo · 20/04/2018 07:19

My dd is 14 (almost 15yrs), she LOVES her phone. Both dc are at secondary school and have to travel long distance on public transport so they do need a phone. We have a brick phone (cost a fiver) - no internet, music snapchat etc, just calls and texts.

We have a few basic rules with phones.

  1. no phones when they should be doing homework (phones have to be left on the kitchen table, if I find them with their phones when they are doing their homework their phones will be taken off them and replaced with the brick phone for a week)

  2. no phones in their bedrooms

  3. phones MUST be charged downstairs at night

Dd is also obsessed with her phone but we enforce these rules strictly and it hasn’t become too problematic so far. Ds hasn’t had the brick yet. Dd has had it once, possibly twice (in 4yrs of having a phone).

I don’t think dc think we are bullies or draconian.

In yr 7 we banned dd from Instagram for a week after we found some inappropriate posting (not sexting or anything like that, posting something too identifying on a public forum). During the time she didn’t have the phone, she actually revived, became a little more human. She admitted it was actually a bit of a relief to not be constantly reading/updating Instagram.

Personally OP I would ground her (for stealing her phone back) give her a brick phone for a week (for the original punishment) and then return her phone to her with some new boundaries in place - for example phone handed in when she gets home until homework is done (this wouldn’t need to last forever, just until she gets the message).

HTH.

SuttonHooHoo · 20/04/2018 07:24

(I’m a teacher btw OP) from experience, once they get used to rules round homework they settle into a routine. It’s easy for them to get overwhelmed with homework in Yr7 as it is a jump up from primary school - although by now they should be past that shock! - what you want to avoid is the Sunday night tears and tantrums when they realise how far they’ve got behind if the phone is coming first.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoor · 20/04/2018 07:27

Tell your dd how surprised you were that she'd been sneaky as she has shown such trustworthiness throughout her life so far.

Then show her where the phone will remain until x date. You don't need to hide it. You know you can trust her not to take it.

At the same time, if you think she's showing addictive behaviour you need to help her deal with that. Perhaps that might mean the phone always lives downstairs.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 20/04/2018 07:29

what you want to avoid is the Sunday night tears and tantrums when they realise how far they’ve got behind if the phone is coming first

Exactly. I've been guilty of taking my eye off her so I need to start getting more involved in making sure homework is done. I haven't seen any for weeks Confused she was very diligent at the beginning

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 20/04/2018 07:35

I say another week and phones go in locked box 30mins after getting home.

If she has laptop she can download Spotify music

GertrudeCB · 20/04/2018 07:46

Looks like you've sorted it op, back in the day when my 2 were younger ( 7-8 years ago) and internet on your phone was becoming a thing, DH bought a simple mobile, just calls & texts. Any rule flouting would result in a phone swap. It actually came in really handy , that little mobile. It was also used on DoE expeditions by both DC and we still have it knocking about today as a spare.

GreenTulips · 20/04/2018 08:04

KoalaSafe

I've looked at this aswell - it's a little box you connect to the router so each box has its own password

Kids get the koala one and can't connect to the main one - so can't unplug it and bypass the router

Same as the other smart routers but in a way it does the same job without having to swap system

£70 on Amazon

Worth it for less hassle